Spin Off
by Death Makes An Artist
Summary: Five years of separate experiences may not be able to kill an old friendship, but with the introduction of new secrets, relationships may never be the same. (A/O, eventually)
1. Chapter 1

**Spin Off**

_**A/N: AU fiction involving Alex and Olivia. It's a break from my normal, but I thought it would be fun to explore.**_

It had been snowing for nearly three days straight. The wind and the flakes did not seem willing to give up, and the street crews were nearing the end of their ropes. Everything was closed: post offices, schools, convenience stores, and non-essential government buildings had closed down until there could be some light in the storm. It was impossible, outside, to see a person's hand in front of their own face. Breath seemed to freeze immediately instead of fog, and for that, people were warned to stay indoors lest they catch frostbite or become lost. It would be too easy to get lost in the raging storm just walking across the street.

But, it was at that point that the nondescript New York apartment building in the midtown area found itself host to an uptown girl who had, indeed, ventured out in the storm, her mind wracked with guilt so terrible it drove her to the outside realm. Though, it might also be said that Alexandra Cabot, for all of her grace and wealth, had no idea what to do now that she was in the building. Her lips were blue. Her teeth chattered outside of her control. Her clothes had moistened and frozen to her body, though in the heat of the apartment building were beginning to melt again, and she was shaking. "Stupid girl," she muttered, ripping off her icy gloves and shoving them into the soaked pocket of her jacket. The jacket was down, but the heavy snows and the fact that she had walked from uptown to midtown because the rail was not running had left the jacket wet through to the clothes underneath.

Her shaking was not entirely from the cold, though. A great deal came from nerves. The nerves of seeing her closest friend again after nearly five years. When she had seen her friend last, she had been working as a prosecutor for the Manhattan District Attorney's office. She had just gotten back from a year long stint at the International Criminal Court where she had thrived. She worked at the office for a few months before a job offer came in that was far more lucrative only because it did not hold all the memories of terror of being targeted or being shot and having to fake her own death. It was an offer to use her law school training for what it really had been, to go into an International practice. Mostly, she contented with the Canadian courts, but occasionally, she worked with documents from European countries including England, France, Italy, and Spain. It involved a lot of phone work and strange hours, but the bonus about already being a New York resident had been that New York City was a hub for international domain, and she did not have to move.

However, she had also not seen her friends in that time, either. She had thought she wanted to move on and forget, yet she discovered more and more each passing year, that she could not forget. But, how to walk back into someone else's life after five years of unexplained absence was not something she knew how to do. She had thought waiting five years could wait a few days for the blizzard to be through, but that had not been the case. If anything, it had eaten her worse than before, so she looked up an old address she had in hopes that old friends would still live there.

Of course it was that standing in front of the detective's apartment door, she was almost too nervous to knock. Holding her breath, she did, though, wincing at how weak the sound was. But, then, she was freezing cold, too.

"Who is it?" the voice on the other side of the door called, and Alex felt her soul melt. There was suspicion in that voice, but there was warmth as well. But, then, Olivia Benson had always had a suspicious streak. It made her a good cop.

"Me," Alex called back.

Alex heard something in the apartment clatter, then everything was still and silent for several long moments. She feared she would be turned away. She stood in the hall, arms wrapped about her body, shivering, until she heard the lock on the door click and the chain slide a few minutes later. Looking at the detective, the attorney tried to smile, but her smile faltered as she violently shook.

"Get inside, Alex, you're soaked," Olivia said.

Nodding, Alex stepped inside, the detective closing the door behind her. "Dear God, you're freezing. You remember where the bathroom is?" There was a bitterness to the detective's words that made the attorney flinch, but she nodded all the same, not trusting her ability to speak. "Go get in the shower. I'll get you a towel and a change in clothes."

Feeling like a scolded child, Alex obeyed, tracking melting water behind her to the bathroom. She stripped down, plopping her wet clothes in the bathtub beside the shower and climbed in, the warm water burning her skin the same way a stove might if she touched it while it was on. The water was not truly that hot, but it was several degrees hotter than her skin temperature, and she cried out on impact.

"Alex, are you okay in there?" Olivia called through the door.

"Fine," Alex called back, fighting back the last of the shakes.

"I've left clothes on the bed. The towel is by the bathroom door when you're ready for it. I'll make some hot chocolate. You still drink it with the mini marshmallows and cinnamon?"

Alex nearly burst into tears. She sank down in the shower, holding her head in her hands. It was in that position which she stayed until the shower ran out of hot water. Her body had defrosted considerably, but she still felt chilled to the bone. It was the kind of cold, though, she imagined would stay with her for a long time.

When she left the bedroom, dried and dressed in a pair of gray sweats and an NYPD tee shirt that smelled classically like Olivia, the detective in question was waiting for her with a cup of hot chocolate. "Thank you," Alex whispered.

"I might be mad at you, but I can't let you freeze," Olivia said. "I also can't let you walk back out there with the weather the way it is, Alex. You should know that."

"I'm sorry," Alex said, her head drooping with shame.

"What for?" Olivia asked, eyes narrowed. She was angry, and Alex could not find any reason to blame her. After all, it was the attorney who had disappeared for five years, not the detective.

Alex frowned. "Everything," she murmured. "For leaving without saying goodbye, for not calling or emailing in five years, for not telling you I was okay and for not asking you if you were, for not warning you before I showed up on your door, and for everything in between, Olivia, I'm sorry."

Olivia nodded. "I don't really want to know why you left right now. But, what have you been doing?"

It was a step forward. Olivia did not easily forgive, but she did forgive, and Alex had always been grateful for that quality in the woman. Smiling faintly, Alex cradled her cup to her chest. "I've been working as an International attorney, mostly contract and government work, but some of it was counsel to Americans abroad when the issues involved American civil law. Not very exciting."

"Was it rewarding?"

Alex shook her head. "Not really. But, in some ways, yes. I didn't have to be anyone's rock. After Special Victims, civil law was cake walk."

"Was?"

The blonde attorney nodded. "I took a position last month with the Attorney General's office. I start next week."

"Wow," Olivia said. "That's impressive. You're really moving up. Just what you always wanted."

Shrugging, Alex bit her lip. "I guess. What about you? How's the squad?"

"We're good. We're pretty much doing the same thing we always do. Did you ever meet Amanda and Nick?" Alex shook her head. "Oh. They're the newest detectives in SVU, but they're not really that new. They've been working with us for four years. Good kids. I got a promotion to sergeant detective. Munch is retiring in three months. I have no idea how we're going to replace him."

"You can't," Alex murmured. "He's impossible to replace. You could always hire a new detective, but you could never replace him. Congrats on your promotion. I didn't think you wanted rank."

"I don't," Olivia agreed. "Not really. But, I can still work in the field. I just get to pull rank when someone's back talking me now." She smiled, and Alex did, too, because she had always loved that smile.

For a while, they sat in silence, sipping their cocoa. However, where the evening had started with a tension so thick it was creepy, the solidity of the tension gradually began to fade away. That was the thing with best friends. Even five years of no contact, they could begin to repair the damages within a couple of hours.

"Are you spending the night?" Olivia finally asked.

"Do you want me to?" Alex returned. "I did make it here. I can make it home."

"No, you can't. Not like that." Olivia stood, collecting Alex's empty cup, and headed to the kitchen.

Alex followed behind her, leaning on the counter. "Like what?"

"First of all, Ali, it's at least minus ten out there if not colder and blizzarding so badly we haven't seen the sun in days. How you made it here is beyond me. Second, even if I would condone you going out, you are not going out in that weather in your condition. You should know better."

Brow furrowing, Alex pressed a hand to her stomach. "How'd you know?"

"I know you, Alex," Olivia said, her tone less harsh as she faced the former ADA in her kitchen, her eyes grazing over Alex's face, then down her arm to where the blonde's hand rested on her stomach, the pressure from her fingers folding the shirt over, confirming what Olivia had thought based solely on how Alex was walking and how she sat, protective. "How far along are you?"

"Eighteen weeks," she whispered, biting her lip. She looked around the kitchen for something to distract her, her hand falling away from the bump at her midsection. The tee shirt had been large enough on her that she did not think that Olivia would have noticed. Plus, it was not as though her stomach was large. She still fit into most of her old clothes, albeit a little uncomfortably. "I don't know what I'm going to do, Olivia."

"What do you mean?"

Alex shrugged. "I'm a single woman devoted to my career, Liv. A baby was not in the plans."

"What about the father?"

Shaking her head, Alex stared at the ground. "It's a long story."

"You're here all night if you want someone to listen," Olivia offered.

"No," Alex declined. "I'm still trying to process everything myself. But, thank you."

"Does the AG's office know?"

"Yes. They hired me anyway."

"Who wouldn't?" Olivia asked with a smile. "Alex, you don't have to talk about him, but I have to know because I care about you and because I'm a cop – the baby's father, are you safe from him?"

After a second, Alex nodded. "Yea. Yea. I'm good."

"Okay," Olivia said. "You would tell me if you weren't?"

"Yes," Alex answered, nodding her head once.

Olivia pressed her lips together in a tight, thin line as she looked at the blonde. "Alright," she finally said, though her tone betrayed the fact that she did not believe the attorney. But, then, she was trained to see when people were lying to her, and Alex had always been bad at lying to Olivia. She might have gotten away with it to judges, politicians, defendants and their attorneys, but she could never get away with lying to Olivia, not without being found out.

After a few seconds of silence, Alex laced her fingers together, under the base of her midsection, the tee shirt clinging to her stomach, making its slight roundness seem all the more apparent. She stroked her thumb over the cotton cloth, a small frown on her lip, brow furrowed as though in concentration.

"Do you want your baby?" Olivia finally asked.

Alex shrugged. "Some days, yes. Other days, no. It's my child, so, yes. But, I'm not ready to be a mother, and I don't think I can do this. I can't raise a child by myself. It's not the money issue most single parents face. I know that'll never be an issue. It's the time and devotion it takes to bringing up a child. The baby's going to hate me because I'll never be around."

"Will you try to avoid being with it?" Olivia asked. "Or, will you do everything you can to go to all the school performances, be home in the evenings, go to the park on the weekends? Alex, you'd be a great mother if that's what you chose to be."

Biting the inside of her cheek, Alex shrugged. "Okay, Olivia," she said, her voice soft, faded. It was a means to end the conversation, but not her typical means. She sounded like she was just giving up, and that was not the Alexandra Cabot she had been five years prior.

"Let's watch a movie," Olivia suggested, leading the way back into the living room, squatting by the stand next to the television where she stored her DVDs. "I've got The Awakening."

Alex smiled. "I haven't seen that since –" She paused, thinking about it. "Since we saw it in theaters."

"Me either. I bought it on a sale thinking I would watch it again one of these days, but I guess I haven't had the time."

"Maybe this snow storm has been a blessing, then," Alex said as she disappeared into Olivia's room, returning with the comforter from her bed. Olivia sat down on the couch, remote in her hand, and Alex sat beside her, wrapping the comforter around them both as Olivia pressed play.

They had barely watched the first twenty minutes before Alex was asleep on Olivia's lap. She did not feel Olivia wrap her in the comforter and carry her to the bed. She did not know that she nearly woke up but rolled onto her side instead, fingers clutching the comforter. There was no memory of Olivia opening her closet to retrieve her own pajamas and a blanket. Nor could she recall Olivia curling up on the couch to sleep.

No, the next thing Alexandra Cabot knew was that she was waking up, drenched in sweat, her heart thudding in her chest, in a bed not familiar to her. She pushed the comforter to the side, padding through the near dark of the apartment – Olivia had left the small desk lamp on in the corner casting an orange glow about the place – to the door. She opened the door without thinking about it and raced down the stairs to the front of the building, slamming out of the front door. As she pushed open the door, the snow parted, shoved to the side, and she inhaled several deep breaths, the icy air instantly burning her lungs.

She stood in the doorway, gulping down air until she was shivering so badly that she could barely breathe. Even then, she did not seem to have the intention of moving. But, a warm body near hers covered her shoulders with a fleece blanket, hands slowly rubbing down Alex's arms until the fingers laced with her own, and Olivia held her from behind, her warm cheek pushed up against Alex's cold neck. "Come on, Counselor," Olivia whispered. "Let's get you back inside."

Alex nodded, letting Olivia hold her hand as they walked back up the stairs to Olivia's second floor apartment. "Talk to me, Alex," Olivia said as she locked the door behind them. "What happened?"

"Nothing," Alex protested, staring at her too white feet, the blood forced away with the cold. "I'm fine."

With a sigh, Olivia leaned back against the door. "Right," she said. "Well, let me make more cocoa. You're still shaking."

Nodding once again, Alex sat on the couch, pulling the blanket Olivia had been sleeping with over her body. As she fought to stop her teeth from clanking and chattering, Alex watched Olivia over the breakfast counter at the kitchen. "I'm sorry," she said again.

"What for?" Olivia asked, the spoon clanking against the mugs as she stirred the cocoa in with the warm milk.

"Freaking out like that," Alex answered. "That's not me."

"You had a nightmare and woke up in a strange bed, Alex. There's nothing to be sorry about. Anyone might have freaked out." Olivia stepped from the kitchen to the living room, handing Alex one of the two cups she was carrying.

Closing her hands around the mug, Alex stared at the still sloshing liquid as though it might swallow her up in a chocolate tidal wave. "Yea," she murmured, pressing both lips between her teeth. "All the same."

Olivia did not ask Alex what the dream was about. She knew better. She knew that the woman would not respond, and Alex appreciated that the detective remembered those little things, remembered not to ask. For several minutes, they sat in silence, though it was Olivia who finally broke it.

"Alex, did something happen recently? Something that is powerful enough to come here in the middle of a blizzard?" Olivia asked. "Please, be honest with me."

Sighing, Alex shrugged. "There are things about Special Victims that I will never miss, Olivia, nightmares that I will never be rid of. But, there were good things, too. My friendship with you was among that goodness. I just – I've been pushing everyone away for so long they finally started to listen, and I didn't realize how alone I was. I think it was harder for me to relate to my newer coworkers, to the people in and out of my life over the past five years. How do you relate to someone who's never seen the evil in this world? Never held someone's hand while they walked through Hell?"

"You don't," Olivia said with a sigh. "You always stand apart from others, but that doesn't make you less deserving of friendship or people who care about you. Did you date?"

"A little," Alex murmured. "Stephen was okay. I mean, he was sweet, but not really my type in the long run."

"Another Trevor?" Olivia asked, referencing when Alexandra used to date one of the criminal defense attorneys. Their split up had been brutal enough that in a court room, they tore at each other's throats mercilessly. For the detectives, it was actually fun to watch because Alex usually came out on top. It was rare for her to be bested by another attorney.

Smiling, Alex shook her head. "No, not a slime ball. Definitely not a slime ball. Stephen's a third grade teacher, really devoted guy."

"Why'd you two break up?"

"I started having nightmares pretty regularly. I didn't want to talk to him or tell him about them. I was jumpy, flinchy, I guess. He said I would recoil when he would try to touch me, accused me of not wanting to kiss him. He left because he thought I was cheating on him."

"I'm sorry," Olivia said.

Alex shrugged. "It's alright. I mean, he's happier for it, I'm sure. Plus, he was right."

"You were cheating on him?" Olivia asked, surprise evident in her voice despite her efforts to tightly control it.

Shaking her head, Alex curled tighter on the couch. "Not expressly. I just didn't want to be with him. But, he was so sweet, I didn't want to break his heart, either. I couldn't handle that, not on top of everything else."

"Else?"

"Work stress," Alex said, staring hard at the stripes on the blanket on her legs.

"How long were you two together?" Olivia asked.

Alex shrugged. "Three years. But, we never did live together. I think that made him suspicious."

"Is he the baby's father?"

"No," Alex said shaking her head. Her fingers traced her stomach, finding her navel and tracing that hypnotically. "The baby's father doesn't know. I don't want him to be a part of the baby's life."

Olivia nodded. "Okay," she said, exhaling slowly. "But, you're safe?"

"Yes."

"When's your last day with the firm?" Olivia asked, gracefully switching topics.

Breathing out a grateful sigh, Alex shrugged. "I quit a few months ago. I wound up in the hospital after fainting at work. The doctors said I was a month pregnant; I panicked, quit without putting in my two weeks, and called it good. I haven't worked in the past three months. Turns out, it's done a world of good. My blood pressure has gone down considerably, and the baby's health is fine according to the OB. She thinks I would have miscarried had I kept up the work at that firm. I was on call all the time and flying across the globe. Apparently, I was sick to begin with, so it gave me a chance to heal and the baby a healthy start, well, after the first month."

"Then, I guess it's a good thing you passed out. Are you looking forward to working again?"

"It's going to be strange, going back to work and then leaving in three or four months for maternity."

"Are you going to take the full three months?"

Alex shook her head. "I don't think so. I'll have to find a nanny, but after the first four or five weeks, I'm going to want to go back. These past three months have been killing me. I wake up, and I'm bored. I've bought a crib, a bassinet, blankets, clothes, diapers, toys, binkies, bottles, and everything else I can think of. I can't go clothes shopping for me too far in advance because I don't know what I'll look like. I'm still kind of small for how far I am. But, that could change in a week or two. I don't know."

"You're bored."

"Pretty much," Alex admitted.

Olivia bit her lip. "So, I'm an outlet for boredom?" she asked, sounding serious at first, but the twinkle in her eye and the smile she broke out into a few seconds later were a dead giveaway that she was just teasing the blonde attorney.

"I'd like to think you're more than that," Alex said with a grin, gently shoving Olivia.

The detective laughed. "Alex, I've missed you. Please don't wander off on me again. I know we have a history together that shares a lot of dark memories, but it shares some good ones, too, right?"

Alex pressed her lips together. "Yes, some very good ones. Some special ones, too. I'm sorry about leaving, but I think I'm okay again. I think I'm moving forward." She grinned, pulling her legs up under her and shoving Olivia off the couch with a gentle nudge.

Laughing, Olivia pulled Alex off the couch with her, the attorney landing on the detective, wrapping her arms around the brunette's neck, holding on. "Forward is good," Olivia murmured into Alex's neck.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you to those who read and reviewed. The reviews help me to know whether or not my writing is on a good track for your enjoyment (and to address any questions or comments you may have about the story or something I left out or something I messed up, so please feel free to review!) Thank you, too, to those who read. Hopefully, you enjoy this enough to come back and read some more. :) **

**DMAA**

**2. **

Alex stared at her new desk in awe. She had thought she had been spoiled at the Manhattan DA's office, but that was nothing in comparison to her office at the Attorney General's office. The oak was old, that much she knew, but it still held a new shine to it. Her computer was new, plus there was a laptop beside it with a sticky note from IT directing her on instructions to log in and set up her password. The name plaque on her desk matched the one on the office door. _Deputy Alexandra Cabot_, the plaques read, something that made Alex's mouth water in anticipation.

She turned to her new supervisor, slight smile perched on her pink lips. "I'm impressed," she said. "It looks fit for a king."

"That desk lasts longer," the woman said. "Truth be told, it's probably eighty or so years old. They just buff it and polish it every few years, and it stays looking like new. Sturdy trees make hardy desks."

Alex laughed. "Works for me."

"Great. I'll let Scott know you're here. He's the IT guru for this area of the building. He'll come by and help you get set up. If you want to just take the morning and make sure all of your information works, we'll start there. If all goes well, we'll meet after lunch and start going over your docket."

"Great, Lisa. That's great. Thank you." Alex's brunette supervisor left, shutting the door to Alex's office gently behind her. Not five seconds later, though, Alex's phone rang. "Cabot," she said, assuming it was Scott to check the lines.

"Miss Cabot, this is Jim down with security. There's a Detective Benson, NYPD here to see you."

"Oh," Alex said. "Of course. Can you send her my way? I'm afraid I don't know how to get back down to the front desk to get her."

At that, the security guard laughed. Jim Burkman, Alex had learned early that morning was employed by the Federal Police with a security guard standing. It meant they did not pay him quite as much, but he said he still made enough to be happy. "I'll have Mark escort her up, maybe bring you a map, too."

"I'd appreciate that. Tell him I owe you both coffee tomorrow morning."

"That, Miss Cabot, we may have to cash in on."

"You just let me know what you drink, Jim, and I'll be sure to have it for you." Alex hung up with the guard and sat behind her desk, lifting the lid to the laptop, running her hand over the new keys in awe.

A knock on the door a few seconds later caused Alex to look up. "Uh, hi," she said to the man standing in her door, his hair pulled back away from his face, though something about him looking vaguely as though he had just been shocked by a hundred volts. "Scott?"

"You betcha," the man replied, slinking into her office. "Lisa told me you were the newbie to the office, so I'm here to set you all up."

"Yea, uh, Alex. And, good to meet you, Scott. I have a horrible feeling I'll be keeping you in business around here."

"Oh?" the man asked, smiling as Alex moved to the other side of her desk so that he could boot her computer. "That spells trouble."

Alex smiled faintly, pulling her jacket tighter around her midsection as she shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. "Technology and I fight, a lot. But, um, thanks for helping me get set up so fast. Lisa was saying you have this floor."

"Yep. Most of the deputies' needs fall under my domain in terms of IT. Shaun is usually around downstairs with the agents if you ever need anything down there. Though, really, you could call either of us." Scott flashed her a smile which she politely returned, sitting down in the leather couch across from her desk. She was well and truly impressed. She had a couch at the District Attorney's office, but that couch was something she had purchased and had moved in. With her faked death, though, she never did know what became of the leather beast. She had never asked when she returned, either. It hardly seemed important.

"Wow," Olivia breathed, stepping into the office. "Nice. Well, I know where I'm spending my breaks from here on out." The detective shot a warm smile to the security guard whom Alexandra presumed to be Mark though she had not yet met the man. "Thanks for the guide, Mark. I'll see you around."

Olivia flopped onto the couch beside the blonde attorney. "How are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm okay," Alex answered. "Glad you swung by."

"Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss it. Fin's downstairs with me. I didn't tell him who I'm here to see, but can you spare an hour to have breakfast with your two favorite detectives?"

Alex smiled. "Who said you were one of my favorites?" she teased. "But, I have to stay."

"Actually," Scott piped up. "It'll take me a little while to get everything loaded. I guess they didn't put all the information onto your laptop like they were supposed to. I'll probably be here a little over an hour. If you want to go, there's nothing you can do before then, anyway."

"Really?"

"Yea. Just let Lisa know on your way out so she doesn't scour the office looking for you."

"Thanks," Alex said, standing with the detective. "Although, Olivia, you may be responsible for getting me out of here. I have no clue where the elevator is."

The detective laughed. "That's okay. I'll get us out. Where's Lisa's office?"

"No clue. I'll just call her," Alex said, pressing her phone to her ear as they walked out. "Lisa, it's Alex. Scott has to load everything onto the laptop. I've got nothing going for about an hour. Do you need anything from me?"

"No, Alex. There's not a lot you can do until that laptop is up and running. Do you have something?"

"PR with NYPD?"

"You put such a wonderful spin on breakfast. Enjoy a cup of coffee for me?"

"Of course. Do you want me to bring anything back?"

"I'm okay."

Hanging up, Alex slid her phone into her back pocket. "Well, we're in the clear. Let's go. Where are you taking me?"

"For crepes."

"Yum." Alex's smiled faltered, though, as they stepped onto the elevator. "Uh, does Fin know about?" She gestured to her stomach which, in the blouse and skirt she was wearing, protruded just enough to say she was pregnant.

"No. He doesn't even know we're going to breakfast. I thought it would be a nice surprise for the both of you."

Nodding, Alex wrung her hands. It was a new nervous gesture that had developed in the past year. It was, perhaps, a sign of her declining self-esteem and increased anxiety. Or, perhaps, it was something else entirely. Either way, Olivia covered Alex's hands with her own. "It's going to be okay, Alex. Take a deep breath. We missed you. We were a little pissed you left again without saying anything, but I think that deep down, we all understood. Especially after Elliot left and gave us no word. Sex crimes is something that , once you leave it behind, you want to leave it behind."

Alex attempted a smile. "Thanks, Olivia, but I still wouldn't blame Fin for being mad."

"He'll get over himself soon enough. Everyone will if you want to talk to Munch and the Cap again. And, I'm sure Amanda and Nick would love to meet you. We talk circles about you in the squad." Alex flushed. Olivia's brow furrowed. "You okay? You're acting more nervous than you usually do. Even when you came back from Witness Protection to testify, you came into the room halfway through chewing our heads off, then again on scene barking orders like you owned the place. This whole week, since you came to my apartment, Lex, you haven't quite been yourself."

"Five years is a long time," Alex said, looking up and squaring her shoulders as the elevator doors opened. "Maybe I've changed."

"Not that much without good reason," Olivia muttered, practically chasing Alex out of the building. "Fin! Look who I found." Olivia waved her hand to the African American detective leaning against the unmarked NYPD detectives' car, jacket pulled around him and hat over his head.

"Cabot!" the man shouted, clearly surprised. "Look at you moving up in the world."

Alex smiled, hugging Fin. Of all the men Alex had ever known, she trusted Fin Tutuola the most to be honest with her. Even if she did not like the answer, she knew he would tell her the truth. At least, as long as it did not pertain to rules of evidence in a case. They had bent a lot of rules in their time together. "Good to see you."

"Well, well," Fin said, holding Alex at arms' length, examining her pouching stomach. "What have we here?" He held her jacket away from her body. "Congrats, Cabot."

"Thanks," Alex murmured, her hands closing over her center. "I'm, uh, nineteen weeks."

Fin whistled. "I never thought you would settle down and start a family, Alex. Good for you. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"

"Nope," Alex answered, shaking her head. "I won't find out until D-day."

"D-day?"

"Yep. The day my life changes entirely in that I will never spend a moment alone following." She offered a grin that only Olivia would know well enough to know that it was forced. Otherwise, if Fin ever suspected, he never indicated as much. "Hey, um, Olivia mentioned breakfast. I'm starving, and my treat."

Alex climbed into the back seat of the car, sliding over to the middle so that she could look out the windshield between the two detectives. "What have you been up to?" she asked the male detective.

"Not much. A lot of work. My son got married."

"Oh? Who's the lucky man?" Alex asked.

Fin shook his head, laughing. "I had no idea you knew my son was gay."

Alex shrugged. "Kind of hard not to," she teased. "I'll have to say hello to him sometime soon. He's a good kid."

"Yea," Fin agreed. "His husband is Alejandro. A good guy. They're really devoted to each other."

"Good for them," Alex said with a genuine smile. "I'm happy for them both."

"What about you, then, Alex? Any husband to speak of?" Fin asked, glancing behind him quickly before Alex sat back in her seat, a soft sigh escaping her lips. "Uh oh. Did some guy get you pregnant and run off? 'Cause if he did, him and me can have a real sit down about that one."

"No," Alex said quickly. "Nothing like that. No husband. No deadbeat dad, either, Fin. Don't worry."

"Okay," Fin said. "So, he's gonna help take care of his kid?"

Alex shook her head. "No. It's my kid. I'm going to take care of it."

"Sounds like a deadbeat to me," Fin grumbled. "You know, I'm pissed at you for leaving, but if you're gonna be sticking around, Cabot, I expect some quality Uncle time with that little one."

Alex laughed, smiling broadly. "And, quality Uncle time you shall have whenever you want it," she said, settling back into her seat. Maybe things would not be so terrible as she feared, she thought as she laced her fingers over her stomach. "Tell me what I've missed in the squad? I hear there are new detectives."

"Who?" Fin asked, looking at Olivia, raising his brow.

"'Manda and Nick," Olivia said.

"Oh, shit," Fin said. "It's been that long, Cabot? Well, now you've got some serious making up to do. They're good detectives. Got their own quirks, like we all do. I worry about Amanda sometimes, but she's plugging along."

"Why so worried, then?" Alex asked. "She got an abusive husband or something?"

"Something," Fin muttered. "She's doin' alright."

"Okay," Alex said, her voice softening. "Let me know if there's something I can do for her. I still have favors out there if she needs a quick divorce and a restraining order."

"Novak left the DA's office," Olivia said, twisting in her seat to face the blonde attorney. "She went into private defense, fizzled out within a year, and left law altogether. After her suspension, she didn't really want back into law anyway."

"I guess I don't blame her," Alex said. "Being a lawyer kind of sucks. What does she do now?"

Fin chuckled. "She graduated the NYPD police academy about two and a half years ago. She's on patrol in District Eleven. We all kind of thought she was just going to go into the military."

"Ah," Alex murmured. "Well, good for her. Who's prosecuting SVU?"

"We haven't had a stable prosecutor since 20-12," Olivia said. "You and Casey high tailed it out of there, and no one else wanted in. Those who came quickly left. Rafael stayed a while. Sonya, too, until her alcoholism got in the way. Paxton was killed in a case. Barba is too much something to be in SVU for long. He always seemed up to something, cunning and driven, like you, but not with your compassion. It was almost as though his ulterior motives got in the way of the cases."

Chuckling, Alex offered Olivia a warm smile. "My cases used to get in the way of my ulterior motives," she said.

"Precisely," Fin said. "I liked him, but we questioned him, too. If justice wasn't his motivator, what was? In the end, none of us could really answer that."

"Where'd he go?"

"Last I heard," Olivia said, "Somewhere out in California. He intends to run for political office."

"Well, sounds like it'll fit him," Alex mused.

"What about you?" Fin asked. "I'd much rather hear the adventures of Alexandra Cabot. You've always got a good story or two."

Alex laughed. "I was a paper pushing attorney for nearly four years. I flew around on company dollar across the globe. That was a riot. Actually, right before I quit, I had just been sent out to Germany to the American embassy. It was mostly contractual work, but it was interesting." Biting her lip, Alex slid her hand over her midsection and sank into the seat, her mind working to fill the gaping silence left in her thoughts. Then, as though someone had just jump started her with electrical voltage, she sat up straighter. "I have to tell you, though, if you get the chance, never turn down France. Not Paris, France, either, but some place smaller, more compact. I had to take a translator with me everywhere I went, but the smaller townships were adorable."

Olivia smiled briefly before mouthing, 'Are you okay?'

"Sounds like you have a good time without us," Fin said, faking hurt. Alex knew there was still some anger there, but she also knew that it would fade away with time. She had left before, and they had managed to repair their friendship. She knew, though, that the detectives she had called her friends would forever remain on the edge of the iceberg with her, wondering if she would ever up and leave again.

"It would have been more fun had you been there," Alex purred, nodding to Olivia. The brunette detective narrowed her eyes but did not press. "I missed the squad, I really did, but there is something freeing about not living day in and day out with the memory of the cases we handled. I had the chance to make new memories, not tainted with the kind of evil only truly found in sex crimes. I had to take it. The only thing I regret is not calling or writing or going to the bar with everyone, especially not saying good bye."

"Do it again, Cabot, and I'll hunt you down," Fin warned.

"Alright. That sounds fair," Alex said with a smile.

Over breakfast, they chattered about the cities Alex had been to as part of her work, some of the things going on in the detectives' lives, and a little bit of shop. Alex did not mind giving the two of them legal advice on cases they were handling as well as dropping hints about how to bend the rule of law just a little to get what they needed. She never condoned breaking it, but Alex always had an eye out for just how far bent was too bent. And, she had usually been really good about coaching the detectives on how much was too much as well.

The detectives dropped Alex back off again at her new job where she proceeded to spend the remainder of the morning setting her office up in a manner where she liked it. Her tactics involved recruiting one of the stronger men who worked on the floor with her to help her move the desk around so that the sun would not hit it throughout the course of the day. Once he realized she intended to help him move it, though, he grabbed two other men and none of them would let her move anything remotely heavy.

"I'm not a glass ornament," Alex said, hands on her hips.

"No, maybe not," Adam, her first recruit responded, "but, in case you hadn't noticed, you're pregnant. Means no heavy lifting. Not while you've got a bunch of us in the office capable of doing it for you. Just sit back on the couch and enjoy." He flashed her a grin, and she sighed, sitting where he had told her. "See? Much better."

Alex took her case load home the same night to study it and review. It made for carrying a large box of files up the stairs to her apartment since the elevators were being repaired. It started out awkward but turned out not to be too terrible when she set the box on the floor and resorted to dragging it backward one step at a time until she reached the landing for her floor. Panting, Alex sat down on her little box of files outside of her apartment, promising to catch her breath for just a moment before ducking into her home. She was in good shape, but she still felt winded after just a few minutes of exertion.

"Oh, honey, you can't do that," Alex groaned, shifting as she pressed a hand to her stomach.

"Do what?" Olivia piped, trotting up the stairs. "Alex, you didn't carry that up here by yourself, did you?"

"What's with everyone thinking I'm suddenly invalid?" Alex snapped, groaning as she bent forward a little.

"You're not inspiring much confidence right now. Are you okay?"

Alex nodded, reaching her hand out to Olivia's, taking the detective's free hand and pressing it up against her stomach. She gasped again just as a tiny foot or hand or head or something made contact with Olivia's fingers. "It just gets worse if I exert myself. Like, this kid doesn't like exercise or something."

Olivia chuckled, still smiling from being able to feel that kick. "Well, then, let's get you inside and prop your feet up. You can still read case files without having to do too much."

"Alright. What are you doing here, anyway?"

"Brought over Chinese," Olivia said, holding up the bag in her left hand. "You sounded distant at breakfast. I wanted to check up on you."

Accepting Olivia's outstretched hand, Alex stood. "I'm okay. I'll trade you loads, though."

"Deal," Olivia said, handing Alex the bag of food and picking up the large box as the blonde unlocked her apartment door. Olivia set the box on the floor by the couch and took the bag from Alex. "Sit down, put your feet up. I'll figure out the kitchen."

"You sure? I mean, it's my apartment. You're the guest."

"Guest? I think we've known each other too long for that."

Alex smiled, flopping on the couch. "Fine."

"I do like this place, though. When did you move?"

"A little over a year ago," Alex responded, picking out her first file and settling in to read the notes. "I purchased it for the location. It's bigger than my last place which turned out to be a blessing."

"Location?"

"Closer to the law firm, only two trains instead of three."

"Ah." Olivia brought the Chinese take away boxes out of the kitchen on a tray with forks as well as the plastic chopsticks Alex kept around should she ever need to use them. "What does your case load look like?"

"I have one serial homicide that crosses state lines, so feds have jurisdiction. The others range from assault on a federal officer to narcotics trafficking and kidnapping across state lines."

"Not a bad range," Olivia said, sitting beside Alex.

"No," the attorney agreed, picking up the carton of sweet and sour chicken. "I have been craving this for days. How did you know?"

Olivia chuckled. "I know you, Alex. Don't you ever forget that."

With a sigh, Alex lay her head on Olivia's shoulder, her feet propped up on the coffee table. "How could I?" she asked, biting into a morsel of chicken, moaning with delight. "Oh, Moon Dragon's over by the police station. How could I forget how wonderful their chicken is?"

Offering a strip of sesame chicken to Alex between her chopsticks, Olivia laughed. "You haven't been there all this time?" she asked.

Alex took the bite into her mouth, munching happily before she shook her head. "No. I tried to leave everything behind."

Olivia shook her head. "I don't know how you survived. You used to special request that if we had to call you in in the middle of the night for something. It got to a point where if we were working late on a case and were close to a break, someone would go get some just in case we had to call you."

"What did you do with the chicken when you wound up not having to call me in?" Alex asked, brow furrowing.

"One of the boys would chow down."

"Ah, well, then, Fin can consider my apology rescinded until he apologizes for eating my chicken." Alex sniffed, poking her chopsticks around in the box.

"Are you crying?" Olivia asked. "Alex, it's just chicken. It's okay. I'll buy you some everyday if you'd like."

"It's not that," Alex said. "I don't know why I'm crying. One minute, I'm happy. The next, I'm sad, and I have absolutely no reason for it, either." She pushed the tears away from her cheeks with a frustrated sigh. "When do I get to be normal again?"

"Never," Olivia said, pulling Alex closer to her with her arm. "But, that's okay. You weren't normal to begin with."

Alex bit her lip. "Can you just hold me, Liv?" she asked after a few seconds of hesitation.

"Yea, sure," Olivia said, setting her carton down and taking Alex's, placing it on the coffee table before she wrapped both of her arms around the blonde woman and held her tight. "It's gonna be okay, Alex. I know it doesn't always feel like it, but it's gonna be okay."

"I know," Alex said. "I just haven't had anyone hold me in forever. It's lonely being lonesome."

"You're not alone, Alex. You just have to let people in."

"I'm scared," Alex whispered, her arm draping naturally across Olivia's torso, fingers playing with the corner of the throw pillow Olivia was leaning on.

Stroking Alex's hair back from her face, Olivia asked, "What are you scared of?"

Alex shook her head. "Nothing. I don't know. It's just these pregnancy hormones have me feeling all kinds of weird stuff. I'm sorry."

"Okay," Olivia said with a small sigh. "But, whenever you're ready to talk, I am here for you. I'm not going anywhere."


	3. Chapter 3

**3. **

Over the course of the month, Alex managed to establish a routine. She left her apartment at seven in the morning, hopped the subway to the office, stopped at the coffee shop a couple of blocks away and picked up a medium coffee, black with one sugar, for Mark and a mint mocha for Jim. Every morning, it was the same routine, but she did not mind. It was nice to have normal hours and a typical day after four years of waking up to a text message telling her that she had a ticket waiting for her at the counter at JFK and she was headed to Italy for a conference because her boss decided last minute he could not go. Or, the time she went to Germany with her boss to essentially act as his assistant. She had not minded then because she had never been to Germany and the thought of an adventure was too much to pass up. She had gained a taste for travel as a child with her parents, and that had not changed even as she had aged.

"Miss Cabot?" an agent said, knocking on her office door and startling her out of her thoughts. She looked up at the man. He was shorter than her at about five foot seven with dark brown hair and a clean shaven face as every agent in the office had. Alex motioned for him to enter and take a seat, which he did. "Sorry for interrupting. Maggie told me to talk to you."

"What have you got?" she asked, holding her hand out across the desk. The agent leaned forward and handed her a folder. While he talked, Alex leafed through the words in the affidavit that he had typed up as well as the evidence that he had drawn together. It was a new case, and she was up next for a new one.

"Essentially, it's a drug trafficking case. I've almost got enough for an arrest, but I need a search warrant for the suspect's house in Queens," he said.

Alex looked up from the file. "You're DEA?"

"Yes. Alexander Hope, uh, Alex."

"Ironic," Alex mumbled.

"Sorry?"

"Nice to meet you. Alex Cabot. Um, Lex is fine if Alex is going to get too confusing."

"Lex," Alex said, nodding his head. "Although, I don't usually speak about myself in the third person, so I could call you Alex."

Alex waved her hand. "Whatever works for you," she said. "Why do you need his Queens house?"

"We think he might be storing a shipment there. As I wrote in the affida-"

Alex held up her hand. "I know what you wrote. I want to hear you speak. You'll be before the judge explaining this, and Hamilton is on the bench. He prefers to be told rather than to read, and he won't let me help you out except as legal counsel. He's, well, he is who he is."

"You have more choice words than that," the agent said, a slick smile coming across his face.

"No one likes Hamilton, but he's the one with availability if you need me to go over today. We're cutting it pretty close to five."

"Fair," he said. He went over what he had stated in the affidavit with Alex coaching him until he got it right enough to satisfy the attorney.

Alex groaned, pushing herself out of her chair. She was getting tired of having to shop for appropriate outfits for work. Weekends were spent in maternity yoga pants and oversized tee shirts, but Monday through Friday, she was pretty much stuck in nicer clothes, and she refused to buy slacks and skirts with stretchy bands because they were uncomfortable for her.

"How far along are you?" the DEA agent asked, reached out to help her stand. "I had no idea you were pregnant."

"Hard to tell with this massive desk covering me up," Alex joked. "I'm five and a half months. And, I really just need to get a sign for my desk."

The man smiled. "Sorry. I didn't mean to offend you."

"No, it's okay. I'm still getting used to it myself."

"Unplanned, then, I take it?"

Alex frowned. "That might be a bit too personal for a professional relationship," she said.

"Right, sorry. It's none of my business."

"No," Alex agreed, "it's not."

The two walked to the court house in relative silence, the attorney lost in her thoughts and the agent feeling appropriately rebuked. Alex had her bag slung over her shoulder. It was nearly four in the afternoon, and by the time they got out of the courthouse, it would be close enough to five that Alex was ready to go home and take a nap. She had been extremely tired the past week or so, and the evening naps were something that she was beginning to look forward to.

Naturally, the judge granted the warrant. Alex would not have dragged herself down to the courthouse if she did not know that Judge Hamilton would grant her request. Agent Hope walked away from it happy, already on his cell phone before they had cleared the doors telling someone else that they had the warrant. Alex had the feeling that they would execute such that night at the absolute latest, and that was fine by her. In truth, she did not care, though now that she knew she would be getting that case, her brain was already formulating a plan of attack in terms of prosecution.

"Please, allow me to walk you to the subway at least, Lex," Alex said as he held the door open for her.

Alex inhaled the polluted New York air and sighed. "I'm okay. Thank you, though, Agent," she said, carefully addressing him by title as opposed to name. She had kept mostly to herself that first month in the office, and she did not intend to change her loaner status. While she had told the agent that 'Lex' was an appropriate moniker for her, she also wanted to make it clear that she did not intend to become a friend, simply an effective coworker.

"Be safe, then," the man said, and he continued back to the office while Alex turned to the subway.

Pulling out her own cell phone, Alex dialed a number that was becoming more and more familiar to her again. She had not spent much time socializing, but she and Olivia text messaged each other fairly regularly. The detective checked in on the prosecutor every couple of days, but it being a Thursday night, it was the night that the squad got together at the bar. Olivia had been inviting Alex weekly, but the attorney had been turning her down, hesitant about meeting the newer detectives in the squad.

"Liv," Alex said as the detective answered.

"Hey," the detective replied. "What's going on?"

"That invitation still out there?"

"Always."

"Count me in."

"Great. I'm glad. Meet me at the stop by the station?"

"Alright. I'm on my way." Alex hung up, tucking her phone in her back pocket. She had been falling prey to her own thoughts of late, and she hoped a night with old friends and meeting new ones might be a good change of pace for her. Being antisocial was not necessarily unlike her, but it was not really her style, either. She liked to talk. She had just become uncharacteristically shy over the recent year. As much as she wanted to nap, she thought a change in routine might be nice.

When she reached the police house, though, it was Fin who met her, not Olivia. Not that she minded. She had always liked the company of the older, male detective. She smiled, walking over to him as she hoisted her bag higher on her shoulder. "Fin, nice surprise."

"Liv'll meet us there. She and Rollins had a bit of a crisis to go deal with," Fin explained as he unceremoniously took her bag, settling the black over the shoulder on his own, tucking his hands in his pockets. Alex smiled, looking down. She still hated being treated like a flower just dipped in liquid nitrogen, as though a mere breath would cause her to break, but she was grateful for the chivalrous nature of the otherwise gruff man. "You doin' okay, Princess?"

"Yea, why?"

"Liv says you're not texting as much. I thought you two would be right back in the same boat you were in before."

Alex tilted her head. "What do you mean by that?" she asked.

Fin shrugged. "Just that you two were awfully close before you started working civil law. Liv was heartbroken when you disappeared. She thought she had upset you."

Frowning, Alex shook her head. "She is my best friend, Fin. Leaving was my mistake."

"How permanent is you being back?" he asked. "Because, I don't want to see her hurting again. That was painful, worse when Elliot left. At least Stabler made your absence tolerable for her."

"Really?" Alex asked, stopping on the sidewalk and staring down. "Me being gone meant that much to her?"

"You know what I think?" Fin asked, continuing before Alex could answer. "I think you're both too scared that one of you is going to leave. I think you keep leaving because you don't want the heart ache of her doing it."

"You make it sound like we're dating," Alex mumbled, blinking and shaking her head as she started walking again.

Fin smiled. "You practically were," he teased. "Minus all the lesbianism. You two argued like you were married and went out like you were courting."

Alex laughed. "I guess," she said.

"Why are you so scared of being left by your friends?" Fin asked. "I've been trying to figure that out about you for a while, but you really don't let people in."

"I guess I'm just a private person," Alex said with a shrug. "Is there anything I should know about Amanda or Nick?"

"Don't ask Nick about his family," Fin said, taking the change of subject in stride. He was accustomed to Alex deviating from the topics he brought up. She changed topics a lot when things became too personal. Or, when Munch was talking, but he had been a conspiracy nut. "Or Amanda."

Alex nodded. "Alright. Works for me. I'll just observe." She smiled faintly, following Fin into the bar and taking a seat beside him in the booth, empty except for a man that Alex had to say looked somewhere between Latino and Italian. "Nick Amaro, Alexandra Cabot," Fin introduced, "Cabot, Amaro."

"Pleasure," Alex said, holding out her hand, shaking his firmly.

"Likewise. So, you're the infamous Cabot, huh?" the man said, swirling the whiskey around in his glass.

"Depends," Alex murmured. "Are the stories you've heard good or bad?"

"Both," the detective replied laughing.

"Then, yes, I am," Alex mused.

Fin laughed. "I'll be right back. Sprite?" he asked, pointing to Alex.

"Cherry Pepsi?" she queried. He nodded, making his way up to the bar.

"Where are you working now?" Nick asked Alex.

"Attorney General's office," Alex replied with a shrug.

"Great," Nick said. "Then, we'll have to keep in contact with all the federal cases we seem to be latching onto lately."

"That bad, huh?" Alex asked, smiling as she settled into the worn cushion on the bench.

Nick rolled his eyes. "You have no idea."

"I think I can still remember those days," she said with a faint smile. "I remember arguing with FBI agents and federal prosecutors about keeping the charges in the District and not letting them plea them off."

"I bet they enjoyed you," Nick said, popping his brows.

Alex laughed. "I made enough of an impression that they remembered me. When I applied for the position, my boss practically pissed herself to get me in for an interview."

"That's good." Nick's eyes held a devilish twinkle in them that made Alex do a double take.

"Terrifying, but, yes, good."

"Well, now you're working for them, not against them."

"True," Alex agreed. "Not sure if I'm using my powers for evil or for good now."

The detective chuckled.

"Hey," a southern voice drawled, though Alex could hear the New York accent beginning to worm its way into those vocal chords. "Ya'll started the party without us?"

"Amanda, Liv," Nick said by way of greeting, looking up at the two. Nick scooted over for Amanda to sit beside him, and Olivia nudged Alex to move over.

"It's not much of a party until you get here," Nick saved. "'Manda, Alex Cabot; Alex, Amanda Rollins."

Once more, Alex shook hands with a stranger, smiling as she did so. "Good to meet you, Detective."

"Likewise. Where's Fin?"

Alex pointed to the bar where he was getting drinks. "Oh, better go help him," Amanda said, standing and disappearing.

"You two getting along, then?" Olivia asked.

"Why wouldn't we?" Alex questioned.

"Oh, I don't know, two very strong willed, hard headed people in conversation together," Olivia started.

"Well, we get along just fine," Alex quipped.

Olivia smiled, playfully smacking Alex's arm. "Don't start, Cabot."

"Yes, dear," Alex said, taking her soda from the offering hand, immediately sipping off the straw to try and appear too busy to entertain Olivia's response. The detective's response, however, was not verbal. Under the table, she kicked Alex's foot gently but solidly. Alex frowned over at the detective. "Mature."

Olivia just smiled as Fin and Amanda raised their brows.

Alex was glad to have foregone her nap that evening to spend time with the squad. The new detectives made her smile, though they were not so much new to the squad any longer as they were simply new to her.

Olivia, a little tipsy but far from drunk, insisted on walking Alex to the subway station after they left. Alex hardly minded, the detective carrying her bag as they walked. "You okay?" Olivia asked the attorney while they waited for the train.

"Fine, why?" Alex said.

Olivia shrugged. "You've been pretty distant since you showed up at my door in the middle of a blizzard. It's like you're already pulling away again, and I haven't even gotten you back yet."

"Oh," Alex said, frowning. "No. I'm staying. I just, I don't know." She sighed softly, the kind of sigh that was evidence of simply being resigned to something, though what, it was difficult to ascertain.

"Would you tell me if something was bothering you?" Olivia asked, resting her head on the attorney's shoulder.

"Yes," Alex said.

"Would you tell me what was bothering you?" the detective pressed.

Alex remained silent, unable to lie but just as unable to tell the truth.

"I thought so," Olivia said with a sigh.

"Fin said you were afraid I would leave again."

"Can you blame me?"

"But, fear is-" Alex licked her lips, rethinking her train of thought. "Fear is such a strong term to use."

Olivia pressed her lips between her teeth. "Perhaps," she agreed.

"You're not disputing that it's the correct word, though?" Alex asked, lacing her fingers together and worrying her lower lip.

"No," Olivia murmured. "I worried about you every day you were in Witness Protection and every day you were in Africa. I worried when you up and left the DA's office and no one seemed to know where you were. I care about your safety, Alex. I would never be the same if something happened to you and I couldn't stop it or help you. Seeing you shot, it- it changed how I see you."

Brow furrowed, Alex shook her head. "I'm not sure what you mean," Alex mused. "It's not your responsibility to keep me safe. I appreciate it, but you can't be with me always."

Olivia sighed. "I know. It's just, there's not a whole lot of people who can say they've been covered in your blood, feeling your heart slow."

Opening her mouth, Alex closed it again without saying a word. "I'm sorry," she breathed after several seconds of tense silence.

"Don't be, Alex. It's not your fault. It's his. But, I can't help it. It's in my nature to protect the people I love."

"Yea," Alex whispered to no one in particular, "his."

In silence, Alex stroked Olivia's hair as they waited on the subway. While it was never a position they would assume in a work environment, once they had gotten close, it was not unusual for one to rest her head on the other woman's shoulder. In fact, for two women who very much opposed touch in a work environment, they both almost craved it off the clock. At the bar, Alex had frequently placed her foot on top of Olivia's when they were all sitting together, a show of solidarity, of understanding what it was like to be the woman in the sex crimes squad even though Alex considered Olivia to be closer to one of the boys than she would ever be. But, that seemed like ages prior, a lot longer than five years.

"That's my train," Alex finally murmured, pushing her nails through Olivia's hair and drawing the detective's hair up out of her face where she had pet it.

Olivia lifted her head, her chin on Alex's shoulder for just a moment. The blonde attorney turned her head, her eyes meeting the chocolate and amber eyes of the detective. For a moment, Olivia looked utterly vulnerable, and Alex opened her mouth on instinct before closing it. "I'll see you later," Alex murmured.

"Text me when you get home so I know you're safe," Olivia whispered, her lips just touching Alex's cheek. Neither seemed to notice the accidental touch, though, because Alex only nodded before grabbing her bag from Olivia and scurrying onto the train.

With a long sigh, Alex sat down. She turned to look out of the window behind her just in time to see Olivia still standing at the platform, her hands in her back pockets, watching Alex. Turning back in her seat, Alex traced her fingers down her stomach, the baby flipping somersaults from all the sugar in the soda. "Well, kid," she murmured softly, "Mommy's a liar twice over."

The next day, Alex called in sick.

The problem was that she genuinely was ill. In the night, she had spiked a temperature that left her pajamas drenched and had her bed sheets on the floor in an effort to remain cool. Around six, she crawled out of bed to take a cold shower, but even without any hot water turned on, the icy water was unable to drive her to shivers.

Exhausted from being awake most of the night and feeling nauseous, Alex curled up on the couch in a large tee and underwear, the news playing in front of her, though she hardly knew what was going on. She had pushed the trash bin up against the couch in case she actually did vomit. Otherwise, she was just nauseous enough to be dizzy, and waiting until her doctor's office opened at eight was a painful process.

"Alex?" Olivia's voice called from outside, the detective knocking on her door.

Groaning, the blonde hauled herself off the couch and opened the door, leaning heavily on it. "Hey," she murmured, smiling faintly.

"Well, don't you look like hell ran you over," Olivia said, pushing some of Alex's wet hair off her face. "Go sit down."

"What are you doing here?" Alex asked, slinking back to her couch and curling up again.

"I was going to walk you to work, but that's out of the question," Olivia answered, moving to Alex's kitchen and finding the box of tea. "Have you eaten, yet?"

"I want to throw up," Alex answered.

"Saltines, then. I know you have some."

"Top shelf in the pantry," Alex bubbled. "I should have some left. I haven't had morning sickness in forever." She paused. "Okay. A month."

Olivia laughed, offering the cup of tea to Alex. She pressed the back of her hand to Alex's cheeks. "Damn, you're hot. What's your temp?"

Alex shrugged.

"Where's your thermometer?"

"Drawer by the fridge in the kitchen."

Olivia grabbed it, slipping it from the container and rinsing it in the sink before handing it to Alex. "Under your tongue, now."

"Yes, mother," Alex murmured, taking it and tucking it into her mouth.

"Your doc opens at eight?" Alex nodded. "You'll call them, right?" Alex nodded again. "Anything else feel sick?" Alex shook her head. "What about pain?" Again, Alex shook her head.

Olivia plucked the thermometer from Alex's mouth, looking at it. "You know, you are so old fashioned, Cabot," she teased with a smile. "An under the tongue? I'm surprised you don't have something for your ear."

"I have a forehead one in the baby's room, but-" She shrugged. "I don't know. I don't like that one on me."

The detective nodded. "Sure," she said. "That's okay. You're at an even one hundred." Olivia frowned. "I don't want to leave you here unless your doc says you're okay."

"It's okay, Liv. If she says I need to be seen, I'll go in. You should get to work."

"Cragen can wait. I'll let Nick know I'll be late. It's not a big deal. You're kind of more important."

With a lopsided smile, Alex shook her head. "Hardly," she murmured. "Go. I'll be fine. It's just a fever and nausea, probably the flu. It's not going to kill me, Liv. I know you think I'm delicate, but I'm not that delicate." Despite her words, Alex twisted, resting her head in Olivia's lap.

"Somehow, I don't think you really want me to go." Olivia stroked her hand over Alex's cheek, the attorney gasping and twitching. "Are you okay?"

"Yea," Alex murmured. "Just sensitive. It's been nuts since the baby."

"Okay," Olivia answered, curling her fingers around Alex's at the blonde's stomach. "Close your eyes and try to sleep. I'll wake you up at quarter after eight to call your doctor." Olivia settled into the couch, Alex lifting her head long enough to allow her to do so. When Alex lay her head back down, Olivia began rubbing small circles with her thumb over the back of Alex's hand.

"Liv," Alex purred.

"Yea?"

"Thank you."

"For what?"

Alex just smiled, pressing her face into Olivia's slacks.

Within a few minutes, she was asleep.

When she woke up, her head was on a pillow and she could hear Olivia talking quietly in the dining room. "She's asleep right now," Olivia was saying, her voice soft. Alex kept her eyes closed because the living room was in full view of the dining room, and she did not want Olivia to know she was awake at that time. "Her temperature was one oh one about twenty minutes ago. She said she's nauseous but I haven't seen her throw up. No, no complaints of pain."

Alex opened her eyes just enough to see through her lashes. Her body felt warm, the sweat sticky. She had pushed her own shirt up in her sleep in an effort to get cool, though as she moved her fingers slowly over her body in an attempt to subtly cover herself back up, she found a semi-cool cloth over her side, as though Olivia had tried to cool her off as well.

Sighing, Alex flicked her eyes over to the table where one of her wash cloths was sitting on the table in a bundle. "I've been wiping her with a cool cloth," Olivia was telling someone. "It doesn't seem to be helping." Alex rolled over onto her back, opening her eyes fully. Well, that explained the rags.

The attorney groaned, pressing her hands into her stomach. "Stop," she whined, panting. "Liv."

Olivia flew to Alex's side. "What's wrong?" she asked.

Blinking up at her friend, Alex shook her head. "I don't know. It hurts. Like someone's trying to rip my uterus out of me."

"I'm taking you to the hospital, Alex," Olivia said, hanging up the phone. Alex barely noticed that the phone the detective was using was hers. She dialed another number. "Dispatch, this is Detective Benson, SVU." Olivia requested an ambulance to Alex's address while Alex curled in a ball on the couch whimpering, her arms over her stomach. "Try to breath, Alex."

"I can't. It hurts." Alex sobbed. "I don't want to lose it."

"It's going to be okay, Alex. It's going to be okay. Just take some slow breaths. Try to relax." Olivia rubbed circles over Alex's back, trying to help her to calm down and relax. "Slow down, Alex. It'll hurt less if you can breathe."

Alex dug her nails into the back of her hand. "It hurts too fucking much, Olivia," she barked, her voice broken by a sob. "I can't lose my baby, Olivia. Oh, God, I can't."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for the reads, reviews, and favorites. I hope you continue to enjoy. :) **

**4 .**

Alex lay curled on her side on a hospital bed in the maternity unit staring at the wall. Olivia was sitting in a chair in front of her, but Alex had been looking through her for the past couple of hours. She was hooked up to a number of different machines, some monitoring her, others the baby. By the time she had gotten to the hospital, the cramps had been so bad that she couldn't unfold herself from the fetal position without a lot of coaxing. There had been blood in her underwear, and when the staff had attached the monitors, the fetus' heart beat had been erratic.

The doctor had given her an injection to help the fever and to calm her down. After a few hours, the cramping had stopped, but they were still monitoring the fetus closely for any changes. Alex had been given an intramuscular shot of Benzathine Penicillin G and told she would be fine but that once she was settled into her room for monitoring, her doctor would want to speak with her.

"You can go to work, you know," Alex mumbled, her focus returning to Olivia. "I'm okay."

"No," Olivia said, "you're not okay, Alex. You're an amazingly intelligent woman in her late thirties with a fantastic career. You're wealthy, you're settled, you're responsible to a fault, you're driven with alternate goals and ambitions. Women like that, Alex, like you, don't accidentally get pregnant. And, more specifically, you don't have sex without you and your partner getting tested beforehand. So, you'll have to excuse me when I say that finding out you're pregnant and now finding out you caught syphilis are both signs to me that you are not okay."

Alex trembled. "I'm fine. Just stupid."

"You are not stupid, Alex. If he knew he was sick, he should have told you. I know you don't want to tell him about the baby, but can you contact him about the STD?"

Shaking her head, Alex squeezed her eyes shut. "No," she whispered. "I won't do it. I hope he never finds out and it drives him mad." She ground her teeth together, both angry at him and angry at herself. "Not only am I pregnant, Olivia, I'm sick and the baby's possibly sick because of him." Tears crept out of the corners of her eyes, the liquid forcing its way through her tightly closed lids.

Olivia covered Alex's hand with her own, sliding her thumb back and forth over Alex's wrist. "Okay, Alex," she whispered. "Take a deep breath, okay? You don't have to tell him. You don't even have to think about him if you don't want. It'll be alright, but I'm not going anywhere."

Twisting her hand so that she was holding Olivia's, Alex opened her eyes, staring at the detective. "Thank you," she whispered.

Pressing her lips together, Olivia stroked her fingers down Alex's cheek. The attorney was still crying, but she was soundless as she did so. She did not even hiccup or sob. It was just tears, tripping down her nose and face like raindrops on a window. Without saying anything, Olivia stood and climbed onto the bed with her friend, wrapped her arms around the woman, and held her close. Alex closed her hands over one of Olivia's holding the detective's hand to her chest.

A knock on the door made Alex jump, her heart rate immediately accelerating as she gasped for breath. "I'm sorry, Miss Cabot, I didn't mean to startle you," a shorter, older woman said as she stepped by the bedside.

Alex looked up. "No, it's okay. It's just this whole thing with the baby has me on edge. I don't know what I'd do if I lost it."

The woman nodded. "Okay. My name is Stephanie Rogers, I'm your doctor while you're here in the maternity ward. Hopefully, we can get you out in a couple of days, but after this afternoon, I'll want to keep you here at least forty eight hours. If anything else happens while you're here, that might be longer. But, your syphilis is in the second stage, so that shot we gave you should clear you up. Even after discharge, though, no sex until you're absolutely cleared up. And, I suggest you tell your partner so he gets tested, too."

Licking her lips, Alex sat up, Olivia sliding off the bed to give her space. "Yea, um, I, uh, I don't have contact with the baby's father," she said, chewing at her lips. Alex traced her fingers over her stomach, resting just below her navel where she most frequently felt the baby kick. There was stillness there, but the monitor at her side registered a steady, rapid heart rate normal for a fetus nearly six months in development. "I, uh, I conceived in Germany. That's the last place I saw the father, the last time I talked to him. I, uh, I got a new number after I quit my old job and turned my cell phone back in to them. I, I don't even have his number to try to contact him."

Nodding, the doctor pulled up a chair, sitting down. "Alex," she said, her voice soft, "if you need to talk to anyone while you're here, you can talk to me. We have a counselor on staff, too."

"I'm okay," Alex said with a soft smile. "It's okay. He, um, he and I aren't, but we discovered that too late. I'd rather not have contact with him."

"Okay," the doctor said. "The important thing is that the syphilis was caught and treated. We can keep you on the IV penicillin until you leave and give you a prescription until birth. Even if it clears up in you, the baby may still have it, but it's too complicated to test before birth. Better to be safe than sorry, Alex, but there are some side effects to that much penicillin including joint pain, swelling, and fainting. They're not common, but it is possible. Common side effects include headaches, diarrhea, sore throats."

"Okay," Alex agreed. "Yea, that's fine. I'd rather the baby be safe than anything." She pushed her hair back behind her ears, biting her lip. "Just tell me what to do to keep it safe, and I'll do it."

"Right now," the doctor said, "let's start with checking up on you. Your vitals are reading within the normal range. I want to check your temperature as well. Are you experiencing any pain?"

"No. Not since the ER."

"Okay." Doctor Rogers took Alex's temperature. "You're reading at ninety nine still, so you have a fever, but it's significantly less than when you came in. How are you feeling?"

"Nauseous," Alex murmured. "Tired. I want to go to sleep."

"You can once I leave, absolutely. Can I get you anything, Alex?"

"No. I'm okay."

"Alright. Buzz if you need anything."

Alex nodded, her hands folded in her lap as she watched the doctor walk out. "I don't want to talk about it, Olivia," she said as soon as the door closed, before the detective even had a chance to say anything.

"Okay," Olivia said. "You don't have to."

Inhaling deeply, Alex held out her hand. "Don't leave me."

Taking Alex's hand, Olivia sat on the bed beside the attorney. "I won't go anywhere, Alex."

Alex rested her head on Olivia's shoulder, her lips pressed together. She squeezed Olivia's hand before a sob broke from her, shaking her body. "I hate him."

Olivia said nothing as Alex cried. "I hate him for what he's done to me." She chewed at her lip. "He got me sick."

"Alex," Olivia murmured after a few minutes, when Alex's sobs became more infrequent and softer. "Did he hurt you?"

Licking her lips, Alex curled tighter. "I'm okay, Olivia."

"Okay," the detective said, stroking Alex's hair. "I'm here for you when you want to talk, though, okay?"

"Okay," Alex whispered. "I'm tired. I want to sleep."

Standing, Olivia pulled the sheets up over Alex as she lay down, her hands tucked under her cheek. "Let me know if I can do anything for you, Alex."

The younger woman nodded. "Thank you."

Leaning over, Olivia kissed Alex's temple very gently. "Sleep well." Alex smiled, tucking her head into the pillow. Olivia folded herself into a chair by the door and watched her friend fall into a fitful sleep, gasping and twitching as she slept.

Once Olivia was sure that Alex was asleep, she ducked out, already on her cell phone. Alex, however, jerked awake at the sound of the door opening. "Max, it's Liv. Listen, can you do me a favor?" she asked quietly into the phone, the door to Alex's room still open just enough for the attorney to hear what was being said. "Can you call your friend at INTERPOL and ask him if he can pull up police reports of domestic violence or assault in Germany where the victim was Alexandra Cabot, an American? Great. Thank you."

Alex sat up as Olivia came back into the room. "You left," she whispered.

"No, sweetie. I was just outside. Look, the doctor said you can eat regular food. How about I go pick us both up some Moon Dragon's?"

Alex nodded. "That sounds good," she murmured, her hand resting at her navel again. "Olivia, wait. There's no domestic violence, no assault. I was in Germany with my boss. He had a conference, and I was basically his assistant with a juris doctorate. Um, after the conference, we went out. I met a man at the bar, we hit it off. We met up again the next day for coffee. I didn't think about it. We had sex. I didn't follow my usual protocol. It's my fault I got sick and pregnant. I don't even know his name."

Licking her own lips, Olivia shook her head. "Alex, you're telling me that two hours ago, when you sobbed on my shoulder, telling me that you hated him for what he did to you, what are you telling me about that?"

"I want to hate him, but I had unprotected sex with him knowing that I didn't know him, that I didn't know if he had any STDs and, it was two weeks before my period."

Olivia nodded. "I know you too well for that, Alex. Please, don't lie to me."

"I'm not," Alex said. "I'm sorry. Five years, Olivia, is a long time. I've changed, and not necessarily for the better. I made a stupid mistake, Olivia. But, it's my mistake."

Sighing, Olivia nodded. "Okay, Alex. Let me go get lunch."

"Thank you. I'm sorry."

After Olivia left, Alex buzzed for the nurse. A woman just a few years her junior came into the room. "What can I get for you, Alex?" she asked.

"I want to go home. I want the discharge paperwork, the AMA paperwork. I want in my own bed."

"Okay. Let me get the doctor to talk to you."

"Now," Alex said. "Or, I walk out of here without signing anything."

The nurse disappeared, returning with the doctor less than a minute later. "Alex, you really should stay here. You want the baby kept safe, right?"

"I want out of here. I feel trapped. I need to get out." She bit her lip, wringing her fingers together. "Let me out."

"Alex," the doctor said, taking her hands and pulling them apart. "I think you might be having an anxiety attack, okay? You need to take some deep breaths and calm down. Do you have an anxiety disorder?"

Shaking her head, the attorney pulled her hands from the doctor's. "No. I just want out."

"If you're having an anxiety attack, you could trigger labor. You're only twenty three weeks, Alex. If you go into labor and deliver, that child is not surviving. Do you understand? That baby will have less than a twenty five percent chance of survival and will have other damage, potentially brain damage, blindness, deafness, learning disabilities. Do you want to condemn your child?"

Alex broke out into tears. "No. I don't want to hurt my baby. It's my baby." She covered her stomach with her hands. "I just want out."

"Okay. How about I get the counselor and you talk to her? Tell her whatever you need to talk about to help you calm down." Alex nodded. "Okay. Becky's going to get Lisa. I'm going to stay. Where did your friend go?" The nurse left, the door still open behind her. Alex stared at the exit, wanting nothing more than to lurch forward and race out of the room. Some small voice in the back of her head, though, told her that she could not do such a thing, and she clung to that voice until it got louder and she could refocus her attention on the doctor.

"She went to go get lunch," Alex murmured, biting her lips.

"That's nice of her."

"She's good to me," Alex said. "I think I'm going to throw up." The doctor handed Alex a pink tub, the attorney taking it and throwing up. Shaking, she wiped her mouth. "Is there something that can make it easier to breathe?"

"Yes. When the counselor gets here, I'll go get you some. I just don't want you left alone right now. Do you feel like hurting yourself?"

"No," Alex said. "No. I, you're right. I have to be okay for my baby."

The doctor nodded. "If you weren't pregnant, would you hurt yourself?"

"No," the attorney said, shaking her head.

Another knock on the door drew Alex's attention back to the exit. "Miss Cabot, my name's Lisa Talon. I'm a psychologist here at the hospital."

"Doctor Rogers said she thinks I might be having an anxiety attack. I want to leave. I can't stay in here. I feel trapped."

"Okay, why do you feel trapped?" the woman asked.

Alex looked around her, at the straps across her stomach, the IV in her arm, the blood pressure cuff on her upper arm, the pulse oxygen monitor on her finger. "I feel tied down."

"Do you think walking around would help you?" she asked.

"Maybe," Alex said.

"Absolutely," the doctor said. "Let me unhook you. You'll have to take the IV with you, but a few minutes walking around the ward is fine."

Standing, Alex walked with the psychologist and her doctor out of her room and down the hall. She was still shaking when they stopped at a window, and Alex looked out over the city she loved. "I'm in New York," she said with a soft smile, her fingers touching her stomach. "See, it's okay, Baby."

"Were you trapped before?" the psychologist asked Alex as she leaned against the frame of the window and stared out at the buildings around the hospital. Most of them were taller.

"No," Alex said. "I was shot several years ago by the drug cartel prosecuting a case. The government faked my death to keep me safe and get to the cartel. I guess I'm just afraid of anything bad happening again, especially now that I have a kid on the way." She pressed her hand back over her stomach. "The baby. I don't want anything to happen to it."

"That's a good mom, Alex. You're going to be a great mother. Are you excited about the baby?"

"Nervous, a little anxious, unprepared," Alex said, nodding. "I never planned on kids. But, the baby's room is all put together. Everything's ready. I have a few neutral clothes, but I won't be able to buy more clothes until I know if it's a girl or a boy."

"You don't know?"

"I don't want to. I want it to be a surprise."

"Do you have names?"

"Yes," Alex said. "Amelia for a girl and Jameson for a boy."

"Jameson, Son of James," the psychologist said. "After the baby's father?"

"No," Alex said. "After my grandfather, James."

"Why Amelia?" the psychologist asked.

Alex shrugged, staring out of the window. "I like it. My hero when I was a kid was Amelia Earhart. I always said I wanted to do something life changing like that. You'd think I'd become a pilot because of it, but I became an attorney because I wanted to change the world. I prosecute because I want to take the people off the street who kill dreams."

"That's very noble. Being shot didn't kill your dreams."

"No," Alex agreed. "It did. At first. I gave up. Then, a ten year old kid did something I didn't think I could do. He testified against the cartel. I had to testify as well. I had to come back. I worked so hard before I was shot. That kid reminded me that I couldn't let it all go to waste."

"You've survived a lot."

"I have to. Especially now."

Lisa nodded. "Can you talk to me about the baby's father?" she asked.

"I don't really want to."

"Well, he got you sick, right?" Lisa asked.

"I got myself sick. I had sex with him without checking."

"What's his name?"

Licking her lips, Alex shook her head. "I don't know. I didn't ask."

"No? Why not?"

"We met at a bar."

"You went home with him?"

"No. I went back to the hotel with my boss. I met him the next day for coffee. We fell into bed after that."

"Is that characteristic of you?" the psychologist asked.

Alex shook her head. "Not really. I don't know what happened. I just, I made a bad choice." Alex licked her lips.

"Why were you in a hotel?"

"We were in Germany on a conference for International Law."

"Did you and your boss have separate rooms?"

Alex nodded. "Yes. Adjoining, though. He insisted that he needed access to my notes even if I were out. I didn't mind. He sent me on errands all the time. My role was assistant, not attorney, at the conference. I only asked that I be given the key at night so I could lock the door. I told him he could wake me up if he had something that couldn't wait until morning."

"That's oddly specific."

"He's a genius, but like all smart men, he can be erratic. The first night, he came in to the hotel room I was staying in and took my computer. I've been a light sleeper since I was shot. He woke me up. I screamed. After that, he gave me the key so I could lock it. He woke me up almost every night knocking, but at that point, I just handed him the computer and went back to bed."

"Do you still work for him?" Lisa asked.

Alex shook her head. "No. I quit once we returned home from the Germany trip. I needed some time off. Plus, I had an interview with the Attorney General's office a couple months later."

"Had you already applied to that job before you quit?"

Sighing, Alex stared out of the window, hard. "No. I took two months off. A friend of mine there told me about the opening. I applied, got called in a couple weeks later for the interview. I've never been strapped for cash. My inheritance would more than cover my basic needs the rest of my life. I have my own accounts, too, including investments that have done well over the years. I'm fifty percent owner in a national company. I'm not worried about finances. I never have been."

"That's helpful, especially with a baby."

"Yea. They cost a lot, I hear. The rest of my life. I'm almost forty."

"When you were in Germany, were you stressed out?"

"I guess. I hadn't really slept in a few days. I wasn't eating much. I lost weight. It comes with the job. The firm is international. I was flying around, meeting with other attorneys in the firm, conferencing with clients overseas. I didn't have much time to sleep. Half the time, I had no idea what time zone I was in."

"That can be a lot of stress. Have you ever had unprotected sex before?"

"Once," Alex said. "With a coworker when I worked homicide for the DA. It just kind of happened. I was stressed by my new job, the cases, I cared too much. It had to bubble out somewhere. I was engaged at the time to another man, a man who let me be whoever I was. And, I spun out of control."

"Are you still engaged?"

"No, Robert and I broke it off a long time ago. He forgave me for the affair, but I didn't. I was dating a man named Stephen. I broke up with him when I returned from Germany."

"So, this one night you had in Germany must have been kind of traumatic for you to quit your job and leave your boyfriend over it."

Alex shook her head. "No. No trauma. I wanted it. At the time, I wanted it. I made a stupid mistake. I wound up pregnant. And, with an STD."

"You acted out sexually because of stress. When you were shot, did you have unplanned sex with anyone after?"

"No," Alex said. "I swallowed that. I think, um, I think that that's part of why it was so easy to fall into an affair. I never did anything about getting shot. Not long term. I got counseling for it after, though. Once my engagement was broken up. I needed help."

"Did it help?"

"Yes."

"If I give you a list of psychologists, will you go see one about this? If for no one else, then for your baby."

Alex nodded. "Yes. It's pretty outside. Can I go outside?"

"In a wheelchair, yes," the psychologist said. "Do you want me to push you?"

"Olivia should be back by now," Alex said, turning around. "Can she take me outside?"

"Sure. We'll have a CNA go with you."

"Olivia's a cop," Alex said. "She's not going to let anything happen to me."

The psychologist nodded. "I'll make sure that's okay with the doctor, but that's okay with me."

Alex walked with the woman back to her room where Olivia was sitting on the edge of the bed, a bag of take out on the chair beside her. "Hey, Alex," the detective said. "You doing okay?"

"Yea. Um, they'll let me go outside as long as I'm in a wheelchair. Can we eat outside?"

Olivia nodded. "You bet."

"Great. I'll go get a wheelchair and the doctor."

Alex sat down in the chair, sighing. "Thanks for grabbing lunch, Liv."

"You bet," the detective said.

"I'm sorry," Alex said. "I didn't mean to come back into your life to toss yours around."

Olivia smiled. "I'm just glad you're back. I'll take a tossed life with you in it than a normal life without you any day."

Snickering, Alex bit her lip. "You're too good to me."

The doctor walked in, pushing a wheel chair. "Alright, hop back on the bed, Alex. I want to double check your vitals and the baby's before you head out. Any pain?"

Alex shook her head. "Just nausea, but it's not as bad as it was."

"Okay."

Alex sat on the bed, letting the doctor hook her back up for a few minutes while she checked over everything. "You look good. Still running a fever, but the baby's heart rate is normal. So is yours. Your blood pressure and ox are good, too. No more than an hour outside, though, okay?"

Alex nodded. "Can I have a pair of paper pants or something to wear? I don't even have underwear."

The doctor opened the cabinet in the hospital room and pulled out a pair of cloth scrubs. "I can do you one better. You're not on a psych hold, Alex. Lisa thinks you're going to be just fine with some follow up."

Alex nodded. "Thanks," she whispered. Olivia pursed her lips. "I, um, I'm just really nervous about the baby. And, nearly losing it today, I thought-" She was clearly struggling to string words together which was not like Alex.

"I understand," the detective said, heading Alex off before she stumbled too much around herself. "I'll give you some privacy while you dress."

"Thanks," Alex said, Olivia leaving the room before she pulled her pants on and the scrub top. When she was dressed and her wires were all in order, the doctor helped her to sit in the wheelchair, hooking her drip to the wheelchair and taking all of the other monitors off. "I feel like such an invalid."

"Think of it like being a princess," Olivia said. "Feet up and hold on to the lunch bag."

Chewing on her lower lip, Alex nodded, doing as she was asked.

The two ate lunch together in a small patient picnic area on the hospital's grounds, chatting about anything but the hospital and the baby. After closing up in the hospital, Alex reopened herself talking about cases the detective was working, plans to go skating before the winter months concluded, and Alex's cases at her new job.

Olivia returned Alex to her room, the attorney exhausted. She was asleep moments after telling the detective to go to work, that she would be fine. Olivia did leave at the request of the attorney and head into work, but Alex slept clear through until the morning, physically and emotionally exhausted.


	5. Chapter 5

**5. **

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked into her cell phone as she gave a sheepish, apologetic smile to Alex who was sitting, cross legged, on her bed weaving a daisy chain for a Spring function Olivia was helping with for the kids at the domestic violence shelter. While Alex was going through the motions well enough, she clearly was not paying attention to what she was doing, her fingers just going from muscle memory after the hundreds of decorative little chains she had already made. "Yes. Alright. Send it to my phone, would you? I'll look at it later."

Olivia hung up and slid back onto the bed beside Alex. "Evidence in a case?" she asked, setting the chain aside.

"Yea. A lot of it. The lab wanted to fax the results, but if they email them to me, I can at least get a preliminary feel for everything on the train ride home. Are you sure you're alright to stay here alone tonight?"

Alex nodded. Olivia had picked her up from the hospital that morning, and the detective had been worried about the attorney all day. "I'll be fine, Olivia. The doctor said so."

While Alex had been hospitalized, though, Olivia had recruited her to make cut outs of rabbits, eggs, flowers, and perform a whole slew of preparatory functions for this domestic violence shelter that the detective liked to help out at when she had the rare time to do so. Alex had been willing to help and eager to get her mind off of other things. It had helped. While she had been in the hospital, she had been banned from working on her cases which frustrated the attorney, but Lisa had told her that she would fire her if she found out she had been working on the cases. Alex did not yet know Lisa well enough to know if she were kidding or not, so she just opted to not risk it.

Four days of relaxation was nice, though. Olivia visited daily. Fin stopped by a couple of times, the first time, bringing her a bouquet of rainbow daisies. Amanda came in with a giant teddy from her and Nick. Other than Olivia, though, none of the other detectives knew why Alex had gotten sick. They only knew that she had spiked a dangerous fever and had been hospitalized for the sake of the baby.

"Alright," Olivia conceded, drawing Alex's attention back to the present. "But, you promise to call if you need anything. And, I mean anything, Alexandra, even if it's just company."

"Yes, mom," Alex said, smiling faintly.

Olivia frowned, though the playful light remained in her eyes as she rolled her eyes up at Alex. "That's right," she said with a gentle smile. "Now, you take it easy for a few days. When do you go back to work?"

"Next week," Alex said. "Monday, eight am sharp. Actually, more like seven. I have motions at eight."

"Alright. Then, I'll be checking on you to make sure you're really relaxing. Alex, I mean it. The doctor said you needed as much bed rest as you can get."

"I know," Alex said. "And, I will. I promise. Once you're gone, I'm going to lie down and watch a movie. Nothing too exciting, you know. I'll probably doze off knowing me. Stop worrying."

Olivia scoffed. "Yea, Cabot. Like that's going to happen."

Alex smiled softly. "I appreciate it, Olivia. You just don't need the added burden."

"Don't you dare head down the road about maybe you shouldn't have come back. At least this way, I have a phone number for you and can call you to check in on you. Don't you dare disappear again."

"I won't," Alex quickly promised. "No. I thought I needed away from everything, but it turns out, I still really need my friends, my best friend, too." She smiled, rising up on her knees on the bed to hug Olivia.

"You better not," Olivia mumbled, holding her attorney friend close. "I'll find you and I'll bring you back if you do." She stepped back. "Hey, breakfast tomorrow morning? I'll come over and make you something."

"Actually, can we go out? Somewhere close, I promise." Alex smiled expectantly as Olivia examined her with a look of concern. "Please, Livvy? After breakfast, I promise to kick my feet up the rest of the day, but I'm going to go insane if I can't get out at least once a day."

The detective sighed. "Alright, Alex. But, only because of the face you pull every time you call me 'Livvy.' I can't say no to that."

Sitting back on her heels, Alex looked up at the detective through her lids. "That's good to know," she purred.

"You're in an awfully manipulative mood tonight," Olivia said, shaking her head. "Maybe I better get out of here before I find myself enslaved to go out and get pickles and ice cream at two in the morning." She flashed Alex a Cheshire grin.

Alex shook her head. "No, I do have this thing for peanut butter, though."

"That explains your cupboard, then," the detective said.

Nodding, Alex stood, stretching as she did so. "You wanna stay for the movie? I promise not to make you go get ice cream."

"You sure?" Olivia said.

"Well, you're stalling leaving."

"So are you in me leaving. You keep engaging me back," the detective replied, offering a knowing look to the attorney. "What's going on, Alexandra? And, no lying."

With a shrug, Alex padded over to her movie rack. She had an entertainment unit in her bedroom with a smaller television and a handful of movies. "My Fair Lady?"

"No avoiding, either. Alex, let me help you."

"You do," Alex said. "Already, every day. I told you at the hospital that I'm a big girl, but I am social."

Olivia bit her lip, moving the crafts off the bed and sitting down. "There's a difference between social and terrified of being alone. I think you're more the latter, Alex. Talk to me. That's why you have friends."

Without responding, Alex put the movie into the player and curled back up on the bed, drawing the comforter up over her shoulders. "It's just been a heavy dose of reality this week so far, Olivia," she said. "I mean, I've said things I never thought I would say."

Sagely, the detective nodded. "That's fair. Can I ask you one question, and I won't ask any more about the answer tonight." Alex hesitated but nodded. "Some of the things you said that you never thought you would, were any of them lies?"

Alex stared at the detective, a heated hesitation in her eyes. Olivia, wise from experience, did not ask any further questions, nor did she attempt to prompt an answer. Finally, Alex licked her lips. "Yes," she said, the single word so slow that it sounded like two words.

Olivia nodded, chewing at her lip, but, true to her word, she did not ask another question. "Okay," she said, gesturing to the television. "Push play. Do you want popcorn?"

After she did as she was bid, Alex shook her head, drawing her knees up as close to her as she could get them. It was a somewhat awkward pressure, but she managed to do so, and, in silence, the two women watched the first half of the movie, neither one looking at the other.

Eventually, Alex leaned back against the headboard of her bed and stretched her legs out in front of her. Quietly, she looked over at Olivia, and while she was not surprised, she found that the detective was not truly watching the movie. "Here," she murmured, "give me your hand."

Alex took Olivia's hand and spread her fingers, pressing her hand down just below her navel. That one spot where Alex had been able to feel the baby move for the past few weeks was still where the most movement was centered. However, she had noticed while in the hospital that when she stretched out, she could feel the baby with her hands. If she could, she figured Olivia might be able to, as well.

"Hey, Baby," Alex murmured as she pressed Olivia's hand over her stomach. "I know you can hear me. And, I know you're big enough now to let other people know you're here. This is my friend, Olivia. Can you show her you're here?" Biting her lip, Alex fell silent, and, as she did so, the baby moved as though it truly understood what Alex had asked, though both the detective and the attorney knew that was not accurate.

"Oh my gosh," Olivia said, a huge grin plastered on her face. "I felt that. Can I talk to Baby?"

"Yea," Alex murmured. "Who knows, maybe it'll like you more than it likes me."

"Not possible," Olivia assured Alex. "You're Mommy. And, you're a great mother, Alex." Flipping onto her stomach, Olivia lay out across the bed, her hand still on Alex's stomach as she talked to the baby. "Hi, Baby. My name's Olivia, but I think it would be okay if you called me Auntie." She glanced to Alex for confirmation, the blonde nodding her head. "Me and Mommy are really excited to meet you out here. So are Uncle Fin and Nick and Amanda and Uncle Don. Mommy already put together a beautiful room for you to sleep in and play in when you get here. And, we all love you very, very much. You know, Baby, you're pretty special. Your Mommy is a very special woman. She's smart and kind and loving. You couldn't have asked for a better mother. The rest of us are all cops, so we'll teach you all kinds of fun stuff like how to arrest bad guys and read 'em their rights and how to drive a cop car and operate all the lights. Maybe you'll be a cop like us. Or, maybe you'll be like Mommy and prosecute the bad guys so they can't hurt people any more. Or, even if you don't, I know you'll be a really good person because you have such a great mommy, and you'll be smart and kind and loving just like her."

The more Olivia talked, the more the baby moved. Alex started crying as Olivia told the baby all about its room in the apartment and the stuffed animals and the blankets and the squad room and each of the detectives in detail. She described Fin and Don, telling the baby not to mind when Fin was grumpy because he was just a grumpy old man, and Amanda and Nick, telling the baby it would adore Amanda's Southern accent and how she said 'ya'll' all of the time. She talked about going to the park and having water balloon fights. She talked about teaching the baby how to shoot a gun, but only when it was older and never without an adult around. And, when she ran out of things to say, she looked up at Alex's tear stained cheeks and crawled up along the bed until she could easily brush the tears away.

"The baby really likes you," Alex whispered, smiling. "I've never felt it move so much in one sitting."

"Maybe Baby was just trying to get me to shut up," Olivia teased. "It's gonna be okay, Alex. It will be."

"Thank you, Olivia," Alex said, holding Olivia's hand to her chest. "It feels really good to know that you care so much about the baby."

"Of course I do, Alex. I care a lot about you, too, you know?" Olivia asked, her tone indicating that she really was looking for an answer. Alex nodded. "You sure you know that because I wonder, sometimes."

Alex smiled, reaching out on instinct and tucking Olivia's hair behind her ear so that she could see her face more clearly. "You make it difficult for me not to know," she answered, continuing to stroke the detective's hair as Olivia turned her head and rested her cheek on Alex's stomach. "Thank you for staying with me."

"Of course. Why are you scared to be alone, Alex?"

The blonde attorney bit her lip. "What happened with the fever was so sudden. I mean, I had been feeling off for a few weeks, but I chalked it up to just being pregnant. Then, I nearly lost it. I'm scared of something going wrong again. I wouldn't have been able to call for an ambulance if not for you, Liv. It's stupid and silly because the doctor said I was okay, but I'm just afraid. There's been enough that's happened. This baby doesn't need to suffer any more for it."

"What do you mean, there's been enough that happened?" Olivia asked, quirking her brow.

Alex's hand froze on Olivia's head. "The syphilis. The baby suffering because of it. It put a lot of stress on it, and that's not fair. Not for my mistakes." She smiled faintly.

The baby moved against Olivia's cheek making the detective laugh. "Alright, alright, kiddo. I'll get off your house."

Alex giggled, her hand falling away from Olivia as the woman sat up. "Thanks, Liv."

"You're welcome, Alex. Why don't you curl up and go to sleep. I'll be in the living room if you need anything, okay?"

Yawning, Alex nodded. "Thank you. Are you sure it's okay to sleep on the couch? You don't have to. You can go home. Thank you for staying late with me."

"No. I'll crash out. By the time I get home, I'll get a shower, a couple hours of sleep, and I'll have to start heading back this way." Olivia smiled. "This way, I get more sleep. Plus, I know your couch is comfortable. Sleep well, Alex."

"You, too," Alex purred with a smile before she turned on her side and shifted one pillow under her stomach as she balled the other pillow under her head. Olivia laughed. "Don't judge me."

"No judgment, Alex," Olivia said. "You're just funny."

"You try being pregnant," Alex grumbled.

"I'm good. Yell if you need anything."

Olivia closed the door but for a crack so that she could hear the blonde if she needed to. Alex was not the only one afraid of something else happening. When Olivia had seen her so ill, she had panicked. She had never seen Alex quite so sick, and it worried her, too, because of the baby. Despite the assurances of the medical professional, Olivia could not help but be worried. Alex had sort of cheated a lot of consequences in her lifetime to that point. Olivia was worried that her luck would run out.

With Alex asleep, Olivia opened the email Max had sent her, the one that she had not told Alex about, though Alex had overheard the initial conversation in the hospital.

_I found one police report matching an Alexandra Cabot. She's a listed victim, but police have her noted as uncooperative here. Rachel translated for you. Couldn't remember if you knew German. Let me know if you need more. I'll try. Max. _

Settling onto the couch, Olivia read over the English version of the police report which stated that police were contacted by hotel concierge when a Caucasian woman, late thirties, was seen running across the hotel parking lot. The concierge who called the police stated that he thought he saw a man following her, but he was not sure because once the woman ran into the light, he thought the man stopped. According to the witness report, the concierge described the woman as distraught and possibly intoxicated, her hair a mess, make up running down her face, and clothing torn. She was also barefoot. The police report noted that upon arrival and questioning, the woman identified herself as Alexandra Cabot, stated that she was staying at the hotel, that she was an American, and that any further questioning would have to be completed in the presence of the American consulate or a representative therein.

"Leave it to a lawyer," Olivia muttered, scanning the scanty report. The officer who has responded noted bruises to Alex's face and neck, and small cuts on the backs of her hands and arms. Alex had told officers that she was fine, did not need medical attention, and did not wish to speak with them. The officer noted that he did not believe Alex to have been intoxicated by alcohol but that she exhibited some signs he had seen previously in women who had been drugged with GHB or a similar drug.

Alex refused to leave contact information both in Germany and in the United States, refused to address the possibility that someone had been chasing her, and refused to speak with police any further regarding the matter. Hotel concierge apparently escorted her up to her room so that she could be comfortable. Later, the officer, apparently concerned, attempted to contact the hotel to find out if Alex was okay and was told that she had checked out on the same night and caught the shuttle to the airport.

The entire report was maybe three quarters of a page, and it frustrated Olivia. There was almost no information. Alex could have gotten the bruises from an attack, yes, but Olivia had no idea what kind of attack. It might have been that Alex got between two people in a bar fight, and Olivia knew she would, especially if it was a domestic violence fight. More than once, Olivia had to warn Alex that it was dangerous to try to break up a fight herself. Someone also may have simply attacked her. That did not give Olivia much clue into why Alex was so distant, so terrified. If it were an attack, and her assailant were in Germany, why be afraid?

Olivia also ran into issues surrounding Alex's behavior. The concierge had thought that she was drunk. The officer thought that she had been drugged. Either was entirely possible, but Olivia couldn't exactly ask Alex. The blonde, she feared, would close up about it. She could have also been overly tired. She could have been stressed out. There were a lot of causes for the strange behavior. Olivia knew Alex acted out strangely under extreme stress. Usually, it was with anger or sexualized, but there had been the rare time when Alex had been so invested into a case and stressed out about it, that Alex would stay up for days, the side effect being that her speech would slur and her gait would stagger. With all the travel, Olivia did not doubt that Alex had been up for a while. She had even told Olivia that she had not been sleeping well for a couple of years because of it.

And, the lack of sleeping may have led to a fall. Alex had denied anyone following her which meant it was possible that the person the concierge thought he saw had only been trying to help her. Or, there really had been no one at all.

That was the thing that frustrated the detective, though. If she questioned Alex about the report, those were the types of things that Alex would respond with. Nothing explained the running, but Olivia was sure the skilled attorney could present with something explaining that away, too. Olivia did not know when Alex's behavioral change occurred, either. They could have been going on for longer than the few months since she had returned from Germany meaning that they were not related to what may have happened there, anyway.

Worse, Alex had asked Olivia not to stick her nose into anything, and Olivia had despite this request. Though the detective had not specifically said she would not, she knew it would feel like a violation of trust if Alex knew she had done her digging regardless.

Lips pressed in a tight thin line, Olivia emailed Max back. _No need. Have everything. Thank you. Liv. _And, then, she deleted the email along with the report. Whatever had happened in Germany, Olivia figured, her friend would have to tell her in her own time, if Alex ever did decide to tell her. If she did not, then, that was something Olivia was going to have to be content with no matter how much she detested the idea.

A cry from Alex's room startled the detective who had been sitting in the silence of her thoughts. It was wordless, merely a sound, but it made Olivia get up off the couch, kicking the quilt aside as she rushed into Alex's room, flicking on the light switch automatically.

The attorney was sitting up in the bed, her fingers clutched white around the neck of her night shirt, panting. Her clothes and the bed sheets were soaked with sweat. The comforter had been thrown off along with the pillows. There were faint scratch marks along Alex's neck that Olivia thought may have appeared if Alex scratched her neck during her nightmare.

"Alex?" Olivia asked as she stepped into the room. Very slowly, the attorney looked at her. "Honey, are you okay?"

"He was here," Alex whispered faintly.

Olivia looked around the empty room. No one else was there. "You mean in your dreams?" Alex nodded. "Okay, honey, but you're awake now, so whoever it was, he can't get to you, okay? You're safe." Carefully, Olivia sat on the bed beside Alex. "I'm here, too, Alex. I won't let anyone hurt you."

Closing her eyes, Alex lay her head on Olivia's shoulder, her breathing deepening again almost instantly which made the brunette woman wonder if Alex had even truly been awake or if it had been some kind of lucid dream that they had talked through. Olivia laid Alex on the bed, and as she stood up to retrieve a pillow from the floor, Alex grabbed Olivia's shirt. "Stay," Alex whispered, the one word so soft, Olivia was hardly sure she had heard it.

"Just for a little while," Olivia murmured back, petting Alex's wet hair as she lay back on the bed. Still seemingly asleep, Alex moved so that she lay her head on Olivia's chest, curled in a fetal position as best as her body would allow. Gradually, the grip Alex had on Olivia's shirt slackened, though whenever Olivia tried to move, Alex's hand clenched again. Finally, Olivia had to just give in. She wrapped her arm loosely around Alex, her thumb rubbing over Alex's shoulder until the detective also fell asleep.

Alex woke up early in the morning, still curled around Olivia. Her body ached, but she ignored it at she stared up and sideways at the patient woman holding her. "Good morning," Olivia murmured, pushing Alex's hair out of her face. "How'd you sleep?"

Still sleep doused, Alex glanced at her hands, her knuckles still white around Olivia's shirt. "I'm sorry," she whispered, unfurling her hands with effort. From clinging all night, her fingers were stiff and sore, and opening them back up was proving to be a challenge.

"It's okay," Olivia said. "You had a nightmare. Do you remember?"

"No," Alex said, shaking her head. "I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, Alex. You know as well as I do that nightmares are totally normal. Wanna talk about it?"

Alex shrugged, sitting up. "I don't even remember what it was about, Olivia," Alex said. "But, I appreciate the offer nonetheless." The blonde offered a small smile. "I'm going to shower. I can't believe how gross I am." She wrinkled her nose as she said it, her eyes going dark.

Olivia sat up straighter, quirking a brow at Alex. "You're not gross."

With a smile, Alex slid out of the bed and disappeared into the bathroom leaving Olivia to wait until the blonde was finished so she could shower as well. Despite that she did not think Alex was gross, the sweat from the woman had beaded off onto the detective leaving Olivia's chest and stomach sticky with their combined sweat, the heat of Alex's body pressed so close to hers causing Olivia to perspire.

Twenty minutes later, the shower still running, steam creeping under the bathroom door, Olivia swore she heard the faint sounds of someone vomiting. Knocking on the door, Olivia called, "Alex, are you okay?"

After a few seconds, the sound of Alex heaving stopped. "Yea. Morning sickness," she called.

Olivia cracked the door, steam colliding with her body that was still so hot it made her want to retreat. "Alex, how hot is that water?" she asked. "There's steam coming from under the door.

"It's fine," Alex said, her voice nonchalant. "I'll be out in a couple of minutes. I'm sorry."

Quietly, Olivia slipped in to the bathroom, closing the door behind her. "Alex," she cautioned, warning the blonde she was not alone. "Honey, the steam in here is so hot it's making my flesh crawl. You're under the water. That's got to be hot, maybe you're okay with it, but you could hurt the baby."

The water stopped running, but Alex did not exit her shower, and Olivia could not see her in there because the door and walls were solid white. "How else am I supposed to get clean?" Alex asked. Olivia heard the slap of a body colliding with the marble.

"With regular water, Alex."

"Look, Liv, it's really touching that you're concerned about me, but there's no reason to be concerned. I'm fine. I'm healthy now. The baby's healthy. We're both on penicillin until it's born. I'll be fine. It'll be fine. And, we'll have a grand and happy life." The last was sarcastic and angry, said more out of fear and hurt than anything, but Olivia probably was not who she should have directed such a comment to.

Olivia sighed. "You keep calling the baby an 'it.' Why?"

"I don't know if it's a boy or a girl. It's just a baby, Liv." Alex sighed, too. "I don't want to know. Not yet."

"Why not?" Olivia asked.

For a few seconds, Alex was silent. "Olivia?" she finally asked. The detective hummed. "Can you hand me a towel?" Olivia did as requested, and the next few moments were silent as well. As Alex stepped out, clad in the oversized blue towel, Olivia looked her over. She had red-raw pink skin and was covered in gooseflesh. Her eyes were red, and she was shivering. "Why is it so hard for you to accept that I just want it to be a surprise?"

"Because that's not the truth. A surprise now is the same as a surprise three months from now, Alex. You're pragmatic enough to see it that way. In fact, you're so practical, I would have thought you would want to know so you could have all the birth paperwork filled out before the baby is even born. You're smart. You know hot water that hot is bad for the baby, yet you did it anyway. You're shy. You're reserved. You apologize all the time."

Alex stared at Olivia. "Wow," she breathed, her voice and her eyes clouded by anger. "Wow. You know me so well, don't you?" Olivia opened her mouth to speak, but, shaking her head, Alexandra cut her off. "Why don't you just tell me what else you know? What do you know about me and the past five years, huh, Olivia?"

Olivia could not help it. The sarcasm and bite in Alex's tone made her own anger start to bubble just under the surface. When she wanted to, Alexandra Cabot could be the most stubborn, uncooperative woman in history. "You're right," she said, bordering on snapping at the blonde but managing not to. "I have no idea about you any more, especially not the last five years because you shut me out. You voluntarily walked away, Alex. And, I tried to contact you. You refused. I thought you'd either come back with time or I'd never hear from you again, and I hoped for the former every single day. And, then, you voluntarily came back. You knocked on my door in the middle of a blizzard with a new address, a new phone number, a new job, and a new baby on the way, so, no, I know nothing about your life right now, but I'd like to. I'd like you to let me in. Of all the people in this world, I know you, Alex. I've made you laugh. I've been the two AM phone call when you couldn't sleep. I was your pillow last night after you had a nightmare, Alex. You had a nightmare. You've had nightmares, Alex, almost every time I've been around you while you were sleeping. That, that tells me something is wrong, and I promise not to ask you what it is if you stop trying to push me away. Stop trying to force me to leave you."

Alex just stared at Olivia, her grey eyes cold, calculating. They were Cabot eyes, through and through. But, Olivia had long since learned to stand her ground to those eyes even though they had been intimidating, at first, coming from a younger woman. They both stared until one of them broke. It was something they had done frequently over cases they disagreed on, though, usually, since their pissing matches could last a while, Don or Elliot had to break them up. Occasionally Munch had been able to do it, but with none of the boys there, they stared at each other for a good minute before Alex finally turned away. "Fine. I need to get dressed."

There was nothing happy in her voice, though, and that worried the detective.


	6. Chapter 6

**6. **

Over the course of the next two weeks, Alexandra immersed herself in her work. She left her apartment early and stayed until even security had left for the night. Not only did she manage to catch up on the cases in detail, she had a good start on her new cases as well. She was also ahead in some of her projects to the point where her coworkers were beginning to warn her of the dangers of burn out. Alex, however, was very familiar with burn out, and it did not have to do just with work. Still, she enjoyed her work. She enjoyed that her work took her mind off of everything else on top of that.

"Dear Jesus, Alex," Brenda said, stopping in Alex's office one morning. "Sweetie, did you sleep here?"

"I don't know," Alex mumbled. "What time is it?"

"Six thirty Friday morning," Alex's attorney coworker said, checking her watch. "There is nothing that happens in this office that is that important, Alex. You need to start going home like a normal person. Hell, take files home with you, sweetie, but don't spend all of your time here."

Alex shrugged. "I get more done here."

"Yea, I can see that," Brenda said, her eyes popping at the mess across Alex's floor. At some point, the blonde attorney had laid down on a file, using it as a pillow on the floor. "Do you have anything to do today?"

Shaking her head, Alex stood up, pulling herself up using the desk. "No. I mean, yes. I need to look up some of these people and send out subs."

"But, you're not in court?"

Again, Alex shook her head.

"Take your laptop and go home. Even your lips are pale, Alex. You don't look like you had any sleep whatsoever. Work from home today. Just get some sleep, too."

Frowning, Alex scanned her paperwork. In a way, Brenda was right. Alex had not been getting much sleep because she had been working so many hours. But, then, Alex figured it was helping her on the cases she had which was a good thing. "I suppose," she murmured, pushing sleep from her eyes. "I can't wait until I can have coffee again."

Brenda shook her head. "You're not gonna be working such hours with a little one, are you?"

"No," Alex said. "I mean, I may stay after five a few days here and there depending on what's going on, but I figure most of the work, I'll take home with me."

"You have a daycare picked out?"

"No. I hired a nanny." Alex began picking up her files, setting them on her desk to then be moved to her briefcase so she could take them home with her. "She starts in three months."

"That's going to be helpful."

"Yea," Alex said, her voice vague and distant for a moment before she seemed to snap back into reality. "I'm going to take your suggestion and work from home today."

Brenda nodded. "I'll let Lisa know. Take it easy, okay, Alex?"

"Yea, thanks." Alex slung the bag over her shoulder and headed out of the office, grateful that others were not around for her to have to talk to. She had never really made it a point to associate much with her coworkers, whether at work or outside of work. She existed in her own office with her own cases and did not involve herself with anything else if she could help it. She did not speak too much with anyone.

Since their argument, too, Alex had not spoken with Olivia too much. There had been one phone call and a handful of text messages, but Alex made it a point to not initiate contact. She was in a strange place when it came to Olivia. On one hand, it was nice having her best friend in her life again. On the other hand, Olivia seemed to want so desperately to protect her, but that was not what Alex wanted. She appreciated the gesture, but she needed the space in regards to certain issues. Olivia had text messaged Alex just to check in on her, but even the detective must have realized that she had made Alex uncomfortable because she did not ask for much more than a simple update, one that Alex had only sent a reply to once despite there being four text messages on the topic. Alex could only assert that everything was fine so many times before it became a chore more than anything to do.

When Alex arrived home, she found a bouquet of colored daisies sitting in a vase at her front door with a card taped to her door. It was common knowledge that her favorite flowers were the artificially colored daisies, and people all through her life knew that. Still, her heart hammered in her throat as she reached out to take the card, opening it in the hallway. The front of the card had a picture of an oil painting of children playing on the beach. It was not particularly telling, but Alex was nearly shaking as she opened the card.

She cried out in relief, sinking to the floor at her apartment door, when she recognized Olivia's handwriting. _I messed up. Lunch?_

For a few minutes, she just sat there, crying, unable to move to get up and go inside. Finally, though, she managed to get her feet under her and open the door. She set the flowers on the kitchen counter, the card beside it. _Lunch sounds good ._She texted Olivia. _I'm working from home today. Where do you want to meet?_

It was almost an hour before Olivia replied, and Alex was curled up in bed, dozing lightly. _I'll pick you up at noon?_

Sleepily, Alex agreed, setting her alarm for eleven so that she had time to get ready before Olivia arrived. Shortly thereafter, Alex had fallen into that deep sleep that seemed to be the sleep of the dead. She was well and truly exhausted.

Her alarm went off at eleven, but she turned it off, falling back asleep until her phone woke her with a start at a quarter to noon. Scrambling for it, she hit the accept button and pressed it to her ear. "Cabot," she said, stifling a yawn as she spoke.

"It's me," Olivia said on the other end of the line. "You sound like you're still sleeping. Do you wanna reschedule?"

"No," Alex said. "No."

She looked at the clock before adding, "Maybe fifteen minutes. I need to get dressed."

"Take your time. Would you object to me coming up?"

"Not if you're here, Liv," Alex said. "I'll leave the door unlocked. I'm so sorry."

"Not a problem, Alex. I'll be right up."

Hanging up, Alex kicked the covers aside and drew her dressing gown about her. She had taken to wearing large cotton tee shirts and sleep shorts to bed because she never knew when she was going to be too hot or too cold as she slept. It seemed as though her body temperature and the weather had nothing whatsoever to do with each other. It could be cold outside, and she was inside, too hot for comfort and seriously considering sleeping naked – something no Cabot did. Ever.

She had unlocked her door and was running water into the shower by the time Olivia got upstairs. "Cabot, are you decent?" Olivia called from what sounded like the bedroom door.

Alex wrapped her dressing gown tighter and stepped out of the bathroom. "Yea. What's up?" she asked.

"I, uh, got a present for you. As an apology."

Smiling, Alex shook her head. "Liv, you don't owe me a present. You're trying to look out for me. I get it. It's just, there's nothing to look out for."

The detective shrugged. "You'd be surprised," Olivia said. "You mean a lot to me, Alex. I've lost you twice already."

"I know, Livvy. And, I'm sorry, too. Now, let me go shower. I smell like sweat."

Olivia laughed. "Fine. I'll wait in the living room with your present."

"Thanks." Alex smiled at her friend before ducking into the bathroom again.

She had started showering with luke warm water as opposed to the scalding hot water she had been using. Olivia was right. She was putting undue stress on the baby. Besides, she knew she would not appreciate being boiled, so she doubted the kiddo did, either. She knew Olivia had told her as much only because she really did care about not just Alex but the child, too, which ever impressed the blonde attorney. Olivia's compassionate nature had always been something that Alex was a little envious of because she had not the ability to really and truly speak to people the way that Olivia could. Olivia was the prince to be loved more than she was to be feared; Alex was the prince to be feared more than loved. And, that had always been her reception wherever she went. She had no problem threatening others within the confines of the law. Of course, she did not like to go outside the bounds of the law, but she certainly did stretch those limits.

Feeling cleaner and better, Alex pulled her wet hair into a bun, opting not to take the time and effort to dry it. She pulled on a pair of her maternity jeans, hating the fact that she owned them but loving it at the same time, and a long, loose pistachio colored cashmere sweater. Smiling a little, she rubbed her hands up and down her arms. She had always enjoyed the way cashmere felt against her skin. It was warm and safe and gentle.

"Alright," she announced to Olivia as she stepped out of her bedroom to find the detective lying across the couch, a book in her hands. "I'm ready."

Looking up over the back of the couch, Olivia smiled. "Wow. You do look good for getting ready so fast." She set the book down and stood up, her hands behind her back. "Roll up your sleeves, hold your hands out, and close your eyes."

Alex did as she was bid, giggling as something tickled at the palms of her hands. Then, she felt little, tiny feet crawl onto the palm of her hand, long whiskers twitching at her wrists. Smiling, she opened her eyes and stared at the little black hamster cleaning himself in the palm of her hand. "Olivia," she started, petting between his ears with her finger.

"I remembered you told me before witness protection that you had a hamster when you were a kid that you could talk to and tell everything to. I thought this little guy would make a great listener. You can even vent to him about your job. He's a pretty good listener. We had a long talk on the way over."

"Thank you," Alex said, pressing her nose against the hamster's nose, laughing as he squeaked when she did. "Does he have a name?"

"Whatever you want to call him," Olivia said.

"Pax," Alex said.

Nodding, Olivia picked up a box on the other side of the couch and holding it out. "His cage is all set up," she said, holding it up. It was white and square with bedding, food, dishes, a water bottle, a wheel, hammocks, ladders, and a salt lick already set up in it.

Very gently, Alex placed Pax in his cage, setting the cage on the dresser behind her couch. "Thank you, Olivia," she said, hesitating only a moment before hugging her friend. "That means a lot to me."

Olivia hugged her friend, pulling away until just their fingers touched. "You're welcome, Alex. Let me take you to lunch. Sleepy girl, I bet you're starving."

"Famished," Alex agreed, grabbing her purse by the door and house keys. "You have such perfect timing."

"I aim to please."

Olivia drove them to one of the cafes they had haunted when Alex had worked for the District Attorney's office the first time. On the way, they chattered about work, about Calvin whom Olivia had told Alex about, about Amanda and Nick whom Alex did not know too well, about Alex's trips to Italy and Germany and the United Kingdom which fascinated Olivia who admitted to wanting to go someday on a tour of Europe. That last, of course, lead to Alex's very casual statement. "Well, then one day, we should go."

Surprised, Olivia jerked her head a little, looking at the counselor. "Aren't you a little tired of those places?"

"On the contrary," Alex said. "I would love to see the cities while on vacation. Things look different when you don't have to be there for work. Trust me."

Olivia laughed. "Alright."

They walked into the café and sat down in a booth near the back of the café, their conversation never interrupted but for lapse of thought. Olivia very carefully avoided bringing up anything about the baby or about what caused Alex to have stopped talking to her in the first place. If Alex mentioned something, Olivia followed the conversation, but she did not lead. As such, they were fairly relaxed and easy throughout the first half of their meal until Olivia noticed a man a few tables away keep glancing at Alexandra as if in shock. "You know him?" Olivia asked, tossing her head to the man.

"Who?" Alex asked Olivia as she looked around her. "Oh. Yea. That's Eric Stanley. He was my supervisor with the Shubert and Stanley."

"He keeps looking at you."

"Oh," Alex said, her hand sliding around her stomach as she became smaller at the table. She very studiously looked at her plate, pushing the food on it around with her fork.

A hand touched her shoulder, but Alex figured it was coming. She could see, out of the corner of her eye, Olivia tracking progression. "Alex," the man said. "How are you?"

"I'm good," Alex said, glancing up with a soft smile that was all fake, but only someone who knew her would know that. "How are you, Eric?"

"Doing okay," he said, nodding.

"Eric, this is Olivia Benson, a police detective I worked with before I went to your firm. Olivia, Eric Stanley of Shubert and Stanley," Alex said by way of introducing the two parties formally.

"Pleasure, Detective Benson," Eric said, shaking Olivia's hand. Olivia nodded her head but remained silent, letting her hand cover Alex's on the table. When Alex did not pull away, Olivia folded the ends of her fingers around Alex's fingers, hanging on to her.

Eric, meanwhile, appraised Alex's figure sitting down. There was nothing sexually appreciative about it, but Alex shrunk away all the same. "You're pregnant," Eric said, and there was no mistaking the surprise there. Alex had not told him that she was when she left the firm.

"I suppose I am," Alex said, her voice subdued as she glanced to Olivia with apologetic eyes.

"When are you due?" he asked.

"Two and a half months," Alex answered, her free hand straying to cover her abdomen in a protective gesture.

"Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I don't know. Gotta keep some things a mystery, I guess."

Eric nodded. His eyes seemed sad for a moment, but they cleared up almost instantly, and Olivia, who thought she had seen it, could not be sure she had just witnessed such a feat. "Congratulations," he said, nodding his head again.

"Yeah," Alex said, shifting uncomfortably in her seat as her former boss walked away.

She chewed at her lower lip for a few seconds, Olivia watching her in silence. "Can we leave?" Alex finally whispered.

"Yes," Olivia said. "You're very pale, Alex. Are you going to be able to stand up?"

Alex nodded. "I just need to get out of here." After a moment, she added, "Please."

"Do you feel comfortable waiting in the car while I pay?" Olivia asked, digging out the keys.

Rapidly, Alex nodded, taking the keys from Olivia and walking to the front door. She did not quite make it to the car, though, and she clasped to a trashcan on the sidewalk nearby, throwing up. By the time Olivia caught up to her, Alex was still dry heaving, there were tears streaking down her face, and she had managed to attract a good Samaritan who was trying to coax her to take a seat on the sidewalk as well as a vendor trying to offer her water.

Olivia flashed her badge. "Thanks, guys, I got it," she said. Everyone backed away, and Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex, pulling her to a standing position close to her. "It's okay, Alex." The blond was shaking so badly that when she curled her fingers around Olivia's shirt, she was physically unable to pry them off herself. The detective had to do it, taking Alex's hands in her own. "Let's get you back home, okay?"

"No," Alex said. "No. No. Not there. Can I go to the squadroom?"

"Sure," Olivia said, keeping Alex close to her as they walked to the car. Olivia let Alex stand alone for a moment while she opened the passenger side door. Then, Olivia helped her in, made sure she was buckled and settled before shutting the door.

"You gonna tell me what that was about?" Olivia asked as she pulled away from the curb.

In silence, Alex stared at her hands, the question hanging in the air, a lead weight about to drop. Olivia said nothing more as Alex shifted in her seat to stare out the window. With a long sigh, Alex pressed her forehead to the cool glass, the New York City traffic congested enough that both women knew it would take some time to get back to the precinct.

It was easy to tell that Alex was so consumed she was eating herself because the air in the care was tangible in the way that it rested heavily on a person. There was almost a demand that the windows be rolled down, even though that meant letting in the general pollution of the city. Still, it was so stuffy that Olivia eventually did roll hers down a crack.

Alex turned to look at the detective as the window groaned, mouth slightly parted in that way that her lips did not quite come together when she was thinking too hard. There was a sleepy look in her eyes, but it was far from the peaceful sleepy that the detective knew. It was the kind of tired that people seemed to get when they gave up, when they were done. It was the kind of sleepy Olivia had seen in the eyes of victims of violent assaults right before they passed out. If was the kind of sleepy that was asking if it was really necessary to fight any further.

Instinctively, the detective reached over and stroked Alex's hair back behind her ear. Alex pressed her cheek into Olivia's hand, and with the detective's hand holding her, Alex closed her eyes. It was a position they held for several minutes before Alex sat up, looking about her as though becoming suddenly aware again of her surroundings.

"You're not okay," Olivia observed.

"I'm tired," Alex said, her gaze returning to her hands for a brief moment before she looked to Olivia and smiled her soft, fake smile again. "Thank you for lunch."

"You're still not okay," the detective murmured, reaching over and stroking Alex's cheek. "Whatever that stirred up for you, Alex, I'm not going to ask you to talk about it, but are you sure I can't just take you home?"

"I don't want to be alone," Alex confessed, chewing on her lip again. "I'm sorry. I just. I wasn't expecting that. I haven't seen Eric in six and a half months."

Olivia nodded. "I figured. Did you even put in two weeks?"

Alex shook her head. "I called him from JFK. He was still in Germany." Her voice was barely a whisper. Olivia had to strain to hear her speak, and, even then, she was not certain that what she heard was something that she heard correctly.

"What if I stay at home with you, that way, you won't be alone?"

"Okay," Alex mumbled.

Sighing, Olivia laced her fingers in Alex's and brought the attorney's hand over to her lap, cradling it gently against her. "Alex, I'm going to ask this because I'm worried." Alex nodded, tensing as though she already knew what Olivia's query would be. "Is there any possible way Eric is the father of your child?"

Alex shivered, her hand jerking in Olivia's, though the detective merely held on tighter. "Yes," Alex mumbled, her voice quiet and strained, as though she were trying not to cry. Her lips were pulled tight, strained over her teeth as she fought the internal battle with herself over whether or not that first tear would be shed.

Olivia gave a reassuring squeeze. "Is there any way he would file for custody now that he knows you're pregnant?"

Blinking furiously to hold back tears, Alex shook her head.

"Why not?" Olivia pressed one last question.

Alex licked her lips. "He wouldn't want a DNA test to know for sure, and a court would order one, especially on a child conceived by two people who are not married. Paternity is assumed in a married couple, Liv. It's proven in an unmarried couple."

Responding with little more than a nod and a hand squeeze, Olivia did not ask the next obvious question. Alex was fighting for control as it was, and she knew from previous experience that Alex would shut down if she felt like she were no longer in control. It was a fine line, and Olivia knew she was toeing it. Biting her own lip, the detective continued to hold Alex's hand against her body, a silent assurance that Olivia was safe, that she would protect the blonde, something she hoped that the attorney understood.

Alex just stared out the window until they pulled up in front of her building. Only then did she unwind her hand from Olivia's, pushing open the car door. Rubbing her arms, Alex shivered as she stood, waiting for Olivia as the detective grabbed her portable radio to take into the apartment with her.

"Hey, Cap," Olivia said, on the phone when she got out of the car. "Can I take a personal afternoon? Yea, I'm doing alright. I just need an afternoon." She paused, nodding even though the captain could not see her do it. "You got it, Cap. I'll see you tomorrow."

After Olivia hung up, Alex interjected, "You don't have to take personal time for me, Liv."

"No, but I want to," Olivia answered. Alex smiled a genuine smile, punching her code into the door and letting them both into her apartment building.

Inside, Alex checked first on Pax's food and water, giving him a little scratch on the head. "Hey, Pax. You should be sleeping, you know? It's daytime."

Alex reached into his food bag and picked out a sunflower seed, offering it to the hamster through the bars of his cage. The little creature reached forward and greedily snatched the morsel from between her fingers, stuffing it in his mouth and racing to the nest he had made. "Hoarder," Alex accused.

Olivia snickered. "Can I make you something? Tea? Cocoa?"

"I'm supposed to ask you that, Liv. It's my house. Can I get you anything?"

The detective only smiled. "You can get comfy and put your feet up. If we're hanging out, we're going to be comfortable."

"Alright." Alex shrugged, disappearing into her bedroom. When she returned, she was dressed in stretchy yoga pants and a tank top. She held a bundle of cloth out to Olivia. "It's from before the baby rolled out," she said, "so, it should fit you just fine."

"Thanks," Olivia said, taking the pants and the oversized tee shirt. "I'll change in a minute. There's milk heating on the stove for cocoa. Chocolate is good for the soul."

"So are you," Alex whispered. Olivia did not catch it, or, at least, she did not acknowledge it, and Alex had no idea where that statement had come from, so she did not repeat herself. Instead, she wandered into the kitchen, stirring the milk so it did not burn.


	7. Chapter 7

**7. **

Ten AM seemed all too early despite its relative closeness to the noon hour as Alex walked into the NYPD Precinct Sixteen Special Victims Unit, her leather bag slung over her shoulder. She was at the point where doing her hair in the morning consisted of throwing it back in a ponytail and makeup was nearly unheard of. She had deep grooves under her eyes that said she had been sleeping less and less, but the bigger and bigger the baby got, the harder it was to sleep. She was just about dying for a cup of strong coffee, but she would have settled for a caffeine IV drip.

"Jeez, Alex," Amanda said as the blonde detective looked up from her desk.

Alex forced a smile. "Thanks, 'Manda. You look great, too."

"Aw, I didn't mean that."

Shrugging, Alex adjusted her bag. "It's okay. I just dread the sleep I'm going to get here in a few weeks."

"Maybe it'll be better." Amanda offered a gentle smile. "You here for Liv?"

"Cragen, actually," Alex said, sighing as she looked around the empty pen. "But, I must have missed him."

"He'll be back. Here, sit." Amanda turned the chair at her desk around. Grateful, Alex sat down, the bag sliding down her arm and onto the floor. "You been doing alright, Alex?"

The attorney nodded. "It's been busy. I had no idea the feds were so swamped. They always seemed to have time to come in here and take over SVU's cases. It just surprises me." She smiled faintly before leaning back in her chair, slouching. She knew it was not a Cabot thing to do, but that did not stop her from doing it. Her excuse was that it made her back feel better, and that was good enough for her. Folding her hands over her stomach, she closed her eyes.

"You're not here to take over a case, are ya?" Amanda asked, her voice lilted with suspicion.

Alex shook her head. "Not quite, Detective. The defendant in one of the federal cases I'm prosecuting seems to be the prime suspect in a case you're investigating. He's up for a bond hearing tomorrow. I need a little more ammo to try and keep him behind bars."

"The Tracy Thompson case?" Amanda asked. "Fin was briefin' us on that earlier this mornin'. I guess the lab got a hit on a guy. You know already?" Amanda's eyes went wide. "I had no idea the feds worked that fast."

"We're pretty scary when we want to be." Alex rolled her eyes, chuckling. "No, the hit came through on ViCAP early this morning. The agent in charge put in a request on DNA matches. We knew before Fin knew. People may think the feds are incompetent, but they sure to move fast when you flash a federal badge."

"Funny how that works," the detective mumbled. Yawning, Alex nodded her agreement. "Hon, why don't you go relax in the lounge? Kick up your feet or something. Can I get you a pop or something?"

Shaking her head, Alex stretched, pushing herself to a standing position. "If I do that, I might fall asleep. Sleeping during the day is so much easier than at night."

"Nothin' wrong with a nap. Hell, we all do it." Amanda offered an infectious Southern smile, and Alex found herself enjoying the detective's charm. "I promise to wake you up when Cragen gets back."

"Why'd you leave Georgia?" Alex asked. "You've definitely got the Southern thing going for you."

"Difference in opinion with my supervisor."

"He still gave you a glowing recommendation, though, didn't he?"

"Yea. Not that kind of opinion," Amanda said, tossing Alex a look that said it all. The attorney nodded her understanding then fell silent. "What about you? Why'd you leave SVU?"

"Burn out," Alex lied. "It became too much."

If Amanda sensed the lie, she did not say anything. It was probably better that way. "I can see that. I worked Special Victims down in Georgia, too, and it was the most difficult job to get used to."

"Yea," Alex agreed, biting the inside of her cheek. "For me, it wasn't quite the same after I got shot. I came back years later, and I just could not get into it again for the life of me. I love being a lawyer, and being a prosecutor does it for me. But, it's a little different once you're the victim of a crime. I know it was only attempted murder, but that even made me see rape a little differently. I was too nervous, too afraid, after. I burned out."

Amanda nodded. "That makes sense. Some days, it's hard to not want to give this up entirely."

"Other days, you can't imagine living with a different career?" Alex asked with a knowing smile. The detective nodded. "I know that feeling."

"Do you miss this place?"

"Every day," Alex said, "but, I don't miss the cases themselves. I miss the heat of the battle. Federal court is not nearly the same. It just seems to take so much longer even with speedy." Alex shook her head, leaning back in the chair so that she was able to rock it slightly. "I miss the impact on the victims."

"You don't get that?"

"Most of my victims are dead. Or, it's a drug trafficking matter and the victim is society. It's not the same fight. Not for me. That's why I left the homicide bureau anyway. It's different when you're gunning for a perpetrator knowing the victim has a future than going after someone knowing your victim isn't going to know either way."

"Not a religious woman, then, I take it?" Amanda asked.

"Who?" Fin said as he walked in, setting a bag on his desk chair. "Alex? Religious? No way. The only doctrine that woman follows is the legal doctrine."

"Gee, thanks, Fin," Alex grumbled, but she flashed him a smile so he knew she was not being serious.

"What are you doing here anyway, Cabot?" Alex raised her brows at the male detective. "Not that I'm not always delighted to see you, Counselor. But, uh, you're not here on business are you?"

Alex smiled a court room smile. "I'm always on business, Fin," she said. "But, this might actually benefit you guys as well. Where's Don?"

"Be back in a bit," Fin said. "Liv and Nick should be up any time now."

Nodding, Alex yawned. "Okay," she said, fighting keeping her eyes open.

"Go lay down," Amanda chastised. "Alex, I promise I'll wake you up when Don gets in."

Waving her hand in a dismissive gesture, Alex looked to the elevator as it dinged. "You know, I expected that in 20-17, we'd be beaming ourselves places," she commented, looking at the machine that looked precisely the same as it had appeared five years prior.

"I'm glad we aren't," Fin grumbled. "I'm too damn old."

"Too damn old for what?" Olivia chirped, stepping into the squad room, her hands shoved in her pockets. "Cabot, you here on Thompson? Thought your meeting was tomorrow."

"We got pushed up a day. Cameron's attorney's pushing speedy, and we really don't want to lose this guy, Liv. Between his federal charges and his New York charges, he's looking at a long time."

"You're not going to plead him?"

Alex shrugged. "To be honest, right now, I don't know. I want to see him do time for what he did to Tracy."

"Isaac Cameron," Olivia clucked. "Who would have thought such a sweet kid would be such a brute. Wonder what happened, you know, where he turned?"

"Maybe he was there all along, you know, the deep dark evil inside," Alex said, her voice thoughtful. "Something inside everyone, perhaps."

Olivia looked at Alex, a brow raised. She had come to terms with her own origins despite the struggle with it that Alex had long ago helped her with, the two AM phone calls when Olivia could not sleep because the son of a rapist was a rapist or a child was born of rape and she saw the abuse by the victim of the original crime. But, Alex was too busy focusing on Amanda's desk, as if the picture on the desk of the floppy eared dog interested her more than it ought to have.

Only Olivia and Fin seemed to notice it. Amanda and Nick did not know the attorney well enough.

"I suppose so," Nick said with a shrug. "But, I think it's a choice as to whether or not people act on those impulses. I'd like to knock a few front teeth out of a few child molesters' mouths, but I resist the urge."

"Earth to Cabot," Olivia quietly whispered.

Alex jumped, her eyes wide as though she were coming out of a trance, surprised to see where she was. "Huh? I'm sorry. This not sleeping business is really screwing me up."

Olivia sighed. "You need to take time off," the detective said. "Or it's more than just your sleep that's going to be screwed up."

"I'm fine," Alex murmured. "Do you know where Don went? I might just come back this afternoon."

Pursing her lips, Olivia stared at the blonde. "I have no idea. Why don't we chat? You can give me the run down. Maybe I can give you what you need." Olivia nodded to the open door of the victim/witness waiting room.

"Alright," Alex agreed, fighting a yawn again, just barely managing to stifle it with a look of pain. "That'll save me the trip of coming back. What have you got?" Alex grunted a little as she stood, her hand on Amanda's desk to steady herself.

Fin shook his head. "Jeez, Cabot. Don't you have that baby in this squad room."

Alex grinned. "Why not? Sounds like fun." Rolling her eyes, she followed Olivia into the witness room where she flopped ungracefully onto the couch, sinking into the well-worn leather. "Ugh, Liv, why is this couch so comfortable?"

Closing the door, Olivia perched on the edge of the table, her hands folded into her lap. She watched Alex the same way a hawk watched prey. Or, Alex thought, a mother lion watched her cub. There was equal ability to kill as to nurture, and that was a little intimidating. Alex shifted uncomfortably. "Liv, it's been a long time since you looked at me like that."

"Really?" Olivia asked. "Because it's barely been a week since you last made me worry about you. Why aren't you sleeping?"

With a deliberately dramatic gesture, Alex pointed to her swollen abdomen. "This little creature is awake all night long, Olivia. You try sleeping with three pounds of kicking feet and punching fists on your bladder all night. It so does not work. I've even tried putting on some soothing music at night to help it calm down, but with me moving around all day, all it wants to do is party all night."

Shaking her head, Olivia offered a soft smile. "Alright, then, what was that comment about? About people having evil inside them?"

"It was a comment to the case. Everyone from Cameron's past says he was an adorable kid. But, to have grown up to be this huge monster – it took everyone by surprise. We usually see some kind of abuse or acting out from early on, but with this guy, there's nothing. It's like one day, he just snapped." Alex shook her head, her fingers playing with her shirt about her navel.

Reading between the lines, Olivia made a bold move she had not made in almost a month. "You'll be a great mother," she said. "You'll teach your child right from wrong and what it means to be respectful."

"What if it's not enough?" Alex whispered. "What if there's something inside it that just one day rages up and takes over?"

Standing, Olivia drew the blinds to the room and sat down on the couch beside Alex, her hand resting over Alex's stomach. "What if your kid grows up to be a physician with Doctors Without Borders? What if your child becomes a police officer or a teacher? You don't know any more than I do – any more than your own son or daughter knows – what will come of this baby's future. All I know, and all I need to know, Alex, is that he or she has a wonderful, caring, loving, protective mother and that I will be there as much as you will let me to help you carry some of this burden. Alex, you are not alone in this."

"I'm so afraid," Alex murmured. "This changes my life completely, and I will never know if I raised it right."

Olivia's brow furrowed. "You will raise this child just fine, Alexandra. You are a good person. You will be a great mother." The detective rested her hand over Alex's, rubbing her thumb along Alex's index finger. "You may not have planned this, Alex, but you have a history of doing some of your best work when things are unplanned. I have the greatest faith in you that being a mother will be no different."

"Thanks, Liv," Alex murmured, letting herself just sit for a couple of minutes, enjoying the feeling of someone rubbing along her fingers. Olivia curled on the couch beside Alex, her one finger tracing up and down Alex's other fingers, one at a time, and back over her hand again. The repetitive motion relaxed Alex until she was leaning against the detective, Olivia tracing Alex's hand over and over again, her fingers, on occasion, trailing up Alex's wrist. "Olivia." The name on Alex's lips was barely a breath.

"Hm?" the detective asked, adjusting Alex's head on her shoulder so that she could stroke the blonde hair from the other woman's face.

"Keep that up," Alex mumbled, "and, I'll be asleep."

Olivia curled her fingers around Alex's ear. "That wouldn't be so horrible, would it? When was the last time you slept?"

With a yawn, Alex shrugged. "We're at work, Liv. Not appropriate."

The sergeant detective snickered, pressing her lips against Alex's head. "Alright, Alex. But, let me make you dinner tonight? Put you to sleep after."

"Give me time to read your file on Cameron, and I'll call it a deal," Alex yawned.

"You want the entire Thompson file, Lex?" Olivia asked. Alex nodded, still curled up against the detective. "Cap's not going to like me giving it over to the feds like that. You know our history-"

"I do," Alex whispered. "Which is why I'm asking for it. I have history with both the NYPD and the AG's office now, Liv. This man needs to stay behind bars, whatever the costs. If that means having the feds snoop into your investigation a little, so be it. What he did to Tracy is twisted. What he did to the others – Olivia, I won't charge Tracy with the federal indictment, but if I can show that he's being charged in New York's jurisdiction with similar crimes, I can at least up his bail even if I can't present that to a jury."

Olivia shook her head. "Alex," she said, "the whole file? You're sure? I mean, I know you've got your cases, but I don't want to kill Tracy's case before it gets to grand jury."

"Tell you what," Alex whispered, "why don't you bring the file with you to dinner and we can review it together. I'll tell you what exactly I find that I want to use. You tell me if you can give them up."

Nodding, Olivia combed her fingers lightly through Alex's hair. "Sounds like a deal, Counselor," she murmured.

"Wait," Alex murmured. "Do that hand thing again."

Sighing, Olivia picked up Alex's hand, tracing her fingers again and again until the blonde was heavy, dead weight on the sergeant's shoulder. "Sleep well, Cabot," Olivia murmured, sliding out from under the attorney, propping her head on a pillow and covering her with a blanket.

Running her hands through her own hair, the detective slipped out of the waiting room and into the squad room. "So, where are we on what?" Olivia asked, clapping her hands awkwardly as she smiled at the others.

"Did you give her what she needs?" Amanda asked.

Olivia nodded. "Right now, I've just convinced her that a nap will not end her federal career."

Shaking his head, Fin glanced over Olivia's shoulder where the blinds were still drawn. "I swear, she used to take better care of herself than that," he mumbled. "She's got me worried about her. Especially with a baby on the way."

"I know," Olivia said. "Can we get to work, please?"

A clatter from the victim room where Alex was sleeping, though, turned heads immediately. The result was four detectives rushing into a room. Alex clawed at the air above her, whining and crying out. "No," she yelped. "No."

"Alex. Alex. It's Liv. Honey, wake up." Olivia placed her hand on Alex's shoulder in an effort to not allow her to fall from the couch. "You're having a nightmare."

"Stop," Alex whimpered, her entire body shaking. Gasping and yelping, Alex reached out, her hand clasping around Olivia's wrist. "Stop. Eric." Eyes wide, Alex sat up, one hand curled about her midsection, the other still clinging to Olivia's hand. Panting, Alex looked about her, staring vaguely at the detectives before reality seemed to rush back to her. Quickly, she let go of Olivia's hand, drawing the blanket around her as she sucked in her lower lip.

"I'm sorry," Alex whispered, holding her hand out as Olivia helped her to sit up. "I'm sorry. I need to go."

Olivia sat on the bed beside the attorney, one hand still holding Alexandra's, the other resting on the blonde's back.

"Uh, no. You stay, me and the boys, we'll leave," Amanda said, leaving the room with Fin and Nick behind her.

Squeezing Olivia's hand, Alex went to stand up, but the detective pulled her back down. "Alex, wait. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Liv."

"You were thrashing in your sleep, Alex. You kept saying 'no' and 'stop.' What's that about?"

With a small shrug, Alex bit her cheek. "I don't really remember, Olivia. I'm sorry. I was dreaming, but I don't really know what about."

"When you woke up, you called out Eric's name. Alex, I've met him. You jumped when he was near you. You pulled away from him. You started vomiting because of him. Did he hurt you, Alex?" Olivia stroked her hand along the blonde's cheek, her thumb trailing over Alex's lower lip.

Closing her eyes, Alex shook her head. "No, Liv. Eric never hurt me," she whispered. "I really should be going. I'll see you tonight." Grabbing her over the shoulder satchel, the attorney rushed out of both the waiting room and the squad.

The remainder of the day, Alex focused on her work without breaking from it, her office door closed and phone turned off. She went home, locked the door, and turned the lights low as she sat in the rocking chair of the baby's room, sobbing, a teddy bear wrapped in her arms.

She forgot that Olivia had a key until the detective quietly sat down on the floor beside the rocking chair, not saying a word. Alex stared at Olivia's knees, the detective calmly resting her hands on them. After several minutes, Olivia slipped her legs down and gestured for the blonde to move closer. Slowly, Alex unfolded herself from the rocking chair and slid onto the floor, lying against Olivia's chest, the brunette detective's warm arms encompassing her.

Tilting her head back, Alex pressed her face into the spot where Olivia's neck met her shoulder, and she just stayed there, inhaling slowly, feeling her body relax and go numb. Not once did Olivia's arms move from around her. Neither did the detective say anything. Alex did not speak, either. For a good hour, they sat on the floor of the baby's room, leaning up against the crib, the bars of which Alex could only imagine were beginning to press uncomfortably into Olivia's back.

"Thank you," Alex finally whispered.

Olivia slid her hand over Alex's arms, rubbing up and down. "Alex, I'm here for you, whatever you need me to be."

"I know, Liv," the attorney replied. "I just don't know what I need most of the time." She reached up, hesitating, her hand hovering just before Olivia's cheek, but then she drew her hand away.

"You're safe here," Olivia whispered, and Alex could not tell whether or not it was a question.

"You're here," she whispered back. "Of course I'm safe." She smiled faintly before sitting up. "Help me up?"

Laughing, Olivia stood, offering her hand out to the woman. She helped Alex to stand. "This room looks beautiful," Olivia said. "I've never seen it before."

"Thanks," Alex murmured, looking about her. The sky outside the window was dark, though the light from the street lamps shone through like a small beacon. "It looks better with the light on." She flipped the switch, the light in the room capturing the mint green and white walls with the pictures of teddy bears and toys. Alex pointed to a blank spot on the wall. "I'm going to buy letters to hang there for the baby's name."

Olivia smiled. "That's sweet, Alex." Olivia looked at the crib, a washed out white and egg shell color with a side that dropped down to turn into a small day bed. The sheet on the mattress was white, but the blanket folded in the corner was green and yellow. A teddy bear sat on top of it. The large teddy that Amanda had given her at the hospital sat in one corner of the room. The rocking chair sat in the other, and the changing table in a third. The crib was up against one wall, the window on the east wall, and the dresser on the wall opposite the crib. Underneath the crib was a wicker basket, and, curious, Olivia pulled it free, peering inside. There was a small handful of infant toys, little bells and stuffed animals on a string and a couple of teething rings still in their packages.

With a genuine laugh, Olivia pulled out a small plastic badge on a chain. "NYPD Junior officer," Olivia read, shaking her head. "Alex, I remember when I gave this to you."

"Yea," Alex mused. "You're still an ass for doing so."

"I figured you'd throw it away." Olivia turned the plastic toy over in her fingers.

Alex just smiled. "Nah. Besides, it's good that I kept it. Now, Baby Cabot has one."

Setting the badge back down, Olivia sighed. "Box is kind of empty."

"I figure it won't mind the first few months. "

Olivia picked up a book in the basket, holding it out to Alex. "Shakespeare?"

"Never too early to start trying to decipher that," Alex said with a soft smile. "I read to it every night, anyway. I keep hoping that maybe, one day, it'll calm the baby down enough that I can get some sleep, too."

"You hear that, Baby?" Olivia asked of the tiny being, her voice stern but playful. "Mommy wants some sleep. You should let her sleep."

"You really are precious, Olivia," Alex said with a sigh. "But, I believe you promised to show me a file?"

"And cook you dinner," Olivia said.

With a small smile, Alex drifted off into the living room. "And, cook me dinner," she murmured as Olivia floated out after her. "What did you plan on?"

Olivia shrugged, pointing to the bags on the kitchen counter. "I thought I'd surprise you. You're not on a restricted diet, right?"

"No caffeine."

"I think I can manage that," Olivia said, wrinkling her nose. "I don't know how you do it. I need coffee like I need water. No, you know what? I think I need coffee more than I need water."

"Me, too," Alex mumbled, shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "That is one thing I can't wait to start drinking again."

"Are you breast or bottle feeding?" Olivia asked.

Alex sighed, sliding into the bar stool at her counter. "Breast," she murmured. "Which is only prolonging my agony, but there's a medical preference to feeding a new born mother's milk as opposed to artificial milk when such a thing is possible."

Olivia stepped up beside Alex, looping her arms loosely around her shoulders so that Alex's head rested against Olivia's collar bone. "You're already such a great mom, Alex."


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hey guys and gals! Glad you're enjoying this so far. Don't forget - sometimes, things aren't what they seem! (Plot twist hint? Maybe... or, maybe this is just a tease.) Hope you continue to like. There's a couple interesting points in here re: their future relationship - one's subtle. One's not. I had fun with them. I promise to get them closer soon. :) I have a plot in mind that I hope you'll enjoy.  
**

**DMAA**

**8. **

"Can I get a honey steamer?" Alex asked the barista. "Um, medium." She handed the woman her debit card, returned with a receipt. "Thanks." Biting her lip, Alex rested her hand on her stomach, exhaling slowly. She had left work the previous Friday, not expecting to return for at least two months, if not longer. The only case she held onto and swore she would go back in on was the Cameron case. She was the liaison between the federal and the New York cases, and she did not want to give it up to someone who could not operate with the Special Victims Unit. At least she knew she could hound the detectives with only mild resentment on their part.

At thirty four weeks, she was mostly playing the waiting game, especially as an older woman having her first child. With the penicillin in her system, her doctor basically expected her to go into labor early. Mostly, she was playing it by ear, assuming that she was okay but mindful of anything she might feel that was different or new.

She had nightmares almost nightly, though not all of them made sense. Many of them, in fact, were utter nonsense. She had dreams about being overtaken by a swarm of bugs, one about drowning. Another frequent nightmare was about wandering the streets of an abandoned city in the middle of the night. More often than not, she woke up screaming, wrapped in her bed sheets, and drenched in sweat. The nightmares only seemed to get worse the closer she got to what she called 'D-day.'

Taking her drink from the counter, Alex went to sit at a small table, groaning as she sat down, pulling her laptop out of her bag. Absently, she accessed her game file and started up a new game of chess against the computer. She had sworn to Lisa that she would not work except on Cameron while on leave even though it killed her a little. Work was what kept her mind from wandering, and she did not like her mind to wander.

A hand on her shoulder made her jump. And, gasping, she twisted, nearly knocking her drink over. Her company caught the drink and set it back on the table, sliding into the seat across from her. "Alex."

Closing the lid of the laptop, Alex slid the computer back to the bag. "Hey," she said, her voice soft, eyes diverted. Her lip sank between her teeth. "Thanks for coming."

"Yea," the man said. "How are you doing?"

Running her hand through her hair, Alex nodded, her lips tight. "I'm pregnant," Alex said. "I – I hate it."

"Almost over," the man said. "You're what? Eight, eight and a half months?"

Alex nodded. "Eight. Just a few more weeks if I can make it that far." Biting her lip harder, Alex curled her fingers around her arms.

"Hey," the man said, shaking his head. "Stop being so hard on yourself. I understand, Alex. I do. I'm a little surprised you called me."

Chewing her cheek hard, Alex tasted blood. "I, um, I've been thinking. There's, this baby deserves a father. You're the closest thing biologically, Hell, you may be it biologically. I – I don't want a DNA test, Eric. I just want to put you on the birth certificate." She curled her hand around her stomach, staring down at the edge of the table. "I want your permission, though, because I don't want to go to court on custody issues. We're both lawyers."

"You want to draft a custody arrangement?" Eric said.

Nodding, Alex licked her lips. "If that's okay. This is a child, Eric. No matter what happened between us, no matter what you – what happened, it deserves a father. I won't ever ask for financial support. I'll give you every other weekend and whatever time you want in the summers, outside of school. I make all of the medical and schooling decisions. If it does activities, I want you to come. If you want to go out to ice cream, whatever, Eric, I don't care. Boy or girl, this baby needs a father, a proper father."

Eric folded his hands on the table, watching the younger blonde attorney. "Alex, you're a beautiful, intelligent woman. You will find a man who will accept you and your child and will be a great father," he assured her. "You deserve a man who can be in a relationship with you. Or a woman. What about the one you were with? The teacher?"

"Stephanie?" Alex queried. She shook her head. "She left me. It's only fair to her. I couldn't be with her, anyway. Not emotionally, and, after Germany, not physically."

"What about that detective? I saw her look at you like a wolf looks at her mate."

"What? Her and me? No. She's like my sister. If you don't want to be listed as the father, I get it, Eric. It makes us both vulnerable. I don't want to see you. I don't want to have contact with you. I'm sorry, but I can't. But, there's more than a small chance you're this baby's father. And, I know, regardless of what happened, you'd be a good father. You'd take care of my child."

Eric shook his head. "It's going to be difficult raising a child without contact."

"Email. Text messages. I can deal with that. I'm sorry, but I can't deal with more."

"I know," Eric murmured. "You can't look at me. Alex, I'm really, really sorry for what happened. But, you can do this without me. You don't need me. And, neither does that baby. You have much better options out there for raising this kid right. And, when you can stand to look at me again, Alexandra, then you can think about whether or not you want me in this child's life."

"Do you want to be?" Alex whispered.

Standing, Eric looked down at her. Alex glanced up, shrinking away. Her breath was stale in her throat, and she had a hard time forcing herself to continue to inhale and exhale. "You're right, Alex. A child between us deserves a good father. I am a good father. But, a child between us does not deserve to see that look on his mother's face and wonder whether or not Daddy did something to Mommy to make her look at him like that."

He reached out to touch her face. Alex flinched, pulling away. "You didn't answer the question," Alex murmured.

"I don't want to be a father when the mother looks at me like that, not if that look will ever pass between us in front of the child."

Pressing her hands over her stomach, Alex nodded. "You'd be a really good father, Eric. But, I understand. I won't put your name on the birth certificate. But, that means, if things get better between us, you'll have to get a DNA test. Once we know, there's no going back, and, Eric, I can't know. Everything I have to hold on to rests on the fact that I don't know, that there may be some redemption in all of this. All that goes away if I know and I'm wrong. Everything about us was just supposed to be one big business transaction."

Eric squeezed her shoulder. "Tell me about it," he murmured.

For fifteen minutes after Eric left, Alex sat and stared at her drink, swallowing and blinking rapidly, trying to prevent herself from crying in public. Once she felt that she had enough control over her emotions, which, to be honest, was not much control, she stood, slinging her bag over her shoulder and carrying her now cold steamer outside. She did not mind so much. The weather in the city was only getting hotter, and even though the formerly steamed milk had a strange taste cold, she continued to sip it as she walked.

At that point, she really had no idea where she was going, so she just wandered. Eventually, her meanderings lead her into the heart of Central Park where she sat down on a bench to watch the joggers go by. It seemed that no matter the hour, there were always joggers, always people running or walking for exercise. All she could think about, though, was what she had asked of Eric. It made her sick to think that she had called him, but, at the same time, she had known since seeing him in the café with Olivia that it was only fair to make that offer. She was not certain that she wanted the child to have a father, any father, but she did not want Eric to ever come back at her, especially in a court of civil law, and say that she never gave him the opportunity to be a father.

It was, more or less, a political move on her part, and she felt like crap for doing so. She had been honest with him for the most part. Yes, every child deserved a father. Yes, Eric would make a very good father. They had talked frequently on their trips together about their independent futures. Eric was older than Alex by just over ten years. He was unmarried, and he had said more than once that his regret was not raising kids, even adopting. He made more than enough money as a lawyer to be a single father, and the foster system would have let him adopt if he wanted to. Alex had flat out said that she never wanted children. She had found out she was pregnant a little less than two months after she returned from Germany and quit her job, and she had nearly lost it. The only thing that kept her from having an abortion was that Eric had been so wanting a child. It hardly seemed fair to strip from him what might be his without his consent.

But, she never had mustered up the courage to call him and tell him. And, she had been so big on permission. She had never called, and twelve weeks had come and gone. A month after that, the baby had rolled, and she had stared at herself in the mirror for hours. It looked like she was merely putting weight in the stomach, but the rest of her was still her. She had not put weight on anywhere else. To her, it was suddenly obvious that she was actually pregnant and that she had two options at that point. Keep it. Or adopt it. It was then that she had begun to consider what it would be like to be a mother, to have a child, regardless of who the father was – or who he was not. She had chosen to keep it, to love it as best she could. Which, she had feared was not very good. But, the more time that passed, the more she had fallen. When she felt it move, that had pretty much done it for her.

When she had seen Eric in that café, even though he was the last human being on the earth that she wanted to see, wanted to speak to, it had forced her to really consider what she was doing. She had to ask herself if what she was doing really was fair. If he had never known, perhaps it had been. But, he knew, then. And, she knew he knew as much as she did. He would be just as unable to fill in the blanks as she was, but Alex had known he would also never ask for a DNA test.

Alex threw away her empty cup and started walking to the subway. She had made a lot of mistakes throughout her life. But, she had played politics and the Cabot name well enough that they had never really affected her. They burdened her, but they had never damaged her outwardly, not by name. Some things haunted her. A lot of things haunted her. She just had more to add to that list the past eight months. More stress, more mistakes, more nightmares. She was not a woman who found herself regretting easily, but she was bearing the burden of more than a few regrets of late.

Sitting down on an empty bench in the subway, Alex closed her eyes. She was dizzy, a feature that usually passed after a while, but even the short walk to the subway from the bench she had been far too much exertion for her. When the dizziness did not pass, she pulled her phone from her back pocket, dialing a number from memory.

"Olivia," she murmured when the other line clicked. "I'm too dizzy to walk."

"Alex, where are you?"

"Subway station. Central Park."

"Okay. Sit down if you aren't. I'll be there in a couple of minutes. Are you in pain? Your voice sounds strained."

Alex sobbed into the phone. She could not help it. "Not the physical kind, Olivia."

"Alex, honey, what happened?" Olivia asked. Alex could hear her moving in the background. "Hey, Fin, I'll be right back." She heard Fin respond in the background, but it was not loud enough that she could make out what he said. "You still there, Alex? Talk to me."

"I met Eric at the coffee shop this morning," Alex sobbed. "I'm stupid, Olivia. I'm a stupid whore."

"No, honey, no you're not. You're not stupid, and you're not a whore," Olivia assured her, starting the engine on her car. "Did he say something to you? Do something?"

"No," Alex whispered. "No. I, I called him. I asked him if he wanted to share custody."

"Alex," Olivia's voice was soft over the phone. Alex could hear the confusion, and it only magnified the pain in her heart. She wanted to tell Olivia what the detective wanted to know, if for no other reason than to ease the detective, but every time she started, she found herself unable to continue. It was like something in her brain refused to let her speak, to let her articulate anything. She could remember, but she could not remember. Everything in her head was just too fuzzy, and she was too proud to admit that more than anything, it was the not knowing that frightened her more than the knowing. "He doesn't deserve custody."

"This baby deserves a father," Alex said after several moments of silence, chewing at her lip. "Eric – I know you don't like him, but, Liv, he'd be a great father."

"You know why I don't like him, Alex?" Olivia asked. Alex did not respond. "You're afraid of him. I know you keep saying that he never hurt you, but, honey, are you trying to convince me or yourself because you're the one that flinched when you saw him, started throwing up. And, now, you're a mess, Alex, all from a meeting you had with him."

Alex exhaled slowly, closing her eyes, trying to regain control over the emotions that she had lost. "He didn't. He couldn't. He wouldn't. Olivia, stop. I don't know. I don't know. I don't remember. I close my eyes, and I can see it, I can dream it, but I can't describe it. I can't. I don't understand. Something, it – I can't – It doesn't."

The phone went dead in her hands and a pair of arms wrapped around her. She opened her eyes and stared into the brown hair, the soft, olive skin of the detective. For a moment, she was still, tense, every muscle in her body seeming to tremble, they were so rigid. And, then, she relaxed into the woman, her body seeming to exhale that tension. "Let me drive you home?" Olivia asked.

"Thanks," Alex whispered. "I'm sorry I'm so fucked up, Olivia. I don't know what's wrong with me. One moment, I'm fine. The next, I'm a wreck."

"You're also pregnant and hormonal, Alex. Give yourself a break." Olivia smiled at her friend, standing and helping Alex to her feet. "Come on, crazy lady, let's get out of here."

"I feel like I'm going crazy," Alex muttered, following Olivia up the stairs and out onto the street.

"You're not. I promise." Olivia turned on the car as Alex buckled herself in and pulled into the street. For New York, the streets were almost deserted, but then, it was midmorning on a Monday which meant most people were at work. The few that were not were the elite or the broke.

Alex watched the line of businesses and alleys and basketball courts as they made their way through the inner city. A group of young teens on the street corner made the blonde sigh. "I don't get it," she remarked.

"Get what?" Olivia asked.

Starting as though she had not remembered she were in a car, Alex looked at Olivia, her eyes wide, pupils enlarged. "Kids ditching school. I know good drug dealers can make a lot, but they don't have very long life spans for a reason. I couldn't imagine aspiring to be that."

Olivia smiled. "What did you want to be when you were a kid?" she asked.

Pursing her lips, Alex raised a brow at Olivia. "You'll make fun of me," she said.

"No," Olivia responded, shaking her head. "I won't. I promise."

Flushing mildly, Alex stared back out of the window. "I wanted to be a wedding planner," she mumbled.

Olivia smiled. "Why would I make fun of you for that?"

"Could you see me planning your wedding?" Alex scoffed. "I earned my moniker."

"The Ice Queen. Yes, I could see that getting in the way. Why did that profession appeal to you?" Olivia queried, genuinely interested in the blonde woman. Despite their years together, they had seldom discussed their childhoods. Olivia just did not much talk about her childhood. Alex knew the basics – that she was a child of rape and her mother had been an emotionally, sometimes physically, abusive alcoholic. Alex seemed prone to the same kind of silence, but Olivia did not even know the basics beyond Alex growing up in one of the wealthiest families on the East Coast. Olivia had imagined that produced a lot of loneliness.

Shrugging, Alex sighed. "A wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days for a couple, Olivia. TO help put that together meant something special for me."

"So, then why did you pursue law?"

"I fell into it. We did strange things in college, and the – my friend dared me to take the LSATs our senior year. I'm a Cabot, Liv. I couldn't back down from a challenge, so I took them. I got a 180, except that the results went back to my house instead of to me, so my parents got them first. My mother was so thrilled I was pursuing law, a 'real profession' she called it, as opposed to wedding planning. I felt like telling her it was all on a dare would break her heart, so I went to law school and got my degree. I figured I wouldn't enjoy it, be able to tell my parents thanks, but no thanks, and I could go back to what I wanted."

"So?" Olivia pressed. "What happened?"

Alex sighed. "I was working in the misdemeanor unit and this woman walks into my office with three kids in tow. She's got this black eye and a ring of bruises on her arms. I asked her if she was okay. She told me I was the DDA prosecuting her husband for hitting her. I expected her to ask me to drop the charges. So many women had. Instead, she sat down in the chair across from me and just started bawling. I set her kids up in the play area with an advocate watching them, and she and I spent maybe two hours in my office just talking about her options. I helped her get into a shelter until the trial was over.

"Then, a month after the trial – guilty, all counts thanks to her wonderful testimony – I get this picture in the mail of her and the kids. I have no idea where they are. It's a local postmark, but far from a local area. The kids just looked so happy. The oldest one had taken to calling me 'Lala' because he had a speech impediment and could not say 'Alex.' The younger kids took to the nickname, too. And, with the picture was a drawing the three of them made of a stick figure me with a superhero cape flying over them all that said 'Thank you, Lala.' I cried for about a week, Olivia. You have no idea. I couldn't leave law after that."

Olivia smiled. "Then, it's a good thing you took that dare. You made a difference for a lot of people, Alex."

The attorney smiled. "Not always the right kind of difference."

"I won't say that doesn't happen, Alex, but you make the right kind of difference far more often than not." Reaching over, Olivia squeezed Alex's hand. The detective had learned that the attorney particularly preferred touch so long as they were not at work for anything. Alex was an incredibly private person at work, even outside of, but at least she allowed and sought touch outside of work. Olivia was similar in some ways. She would seek reassuring touch at work if things got that bad, but she usually preferred her role as a rock within the confines of her duties. The only place she really allowed herself to cry was in her apartment. Sometimes, not even then.

After a few moments of silence, Olivia added, "I'm going to start calling you Lala."

Alex snickered. "Just not in public."

"I don't make any promises, Lala," Olivia teased.

Alex smiled, looking down at her hand in Olivia's and biting her lip. "What about you?" Alex asked, trying to deflect their conversation. "What did you want to be?"

Olivia laughed. "A cop," she said, letting Alex's hand go and running her fingers through her own hair. "I wanted to be a cop from the time I was three." She placed both her hands on the steering wheel, but she glanced over at Alex, the blonde rolling her eyes.

"Well, look at you," Alex said, smile on her face. "You're exactly where you wanted to be."

Nodding her head, Olivia smiled at Alex. "Pretty much, yea. There's only a couple more things I could ask for from life."

"Which are?" Alex prompted.

"Well, I am forty six, Alex. It would be nice to settle down."

"Would you still want kids?" Alex asked.

Olivia sighed, shaking her head. "I would love kids, but I would have to adopt or foster. If I found someone with kids, I wouldn't object. I'm too old to have my own, though."

Alex nodded. "Fair enough. I started saying that when I hit thirty five."

"That was, what? Two years ago?"

"Stuff it," Alex mumbled. "And, three, thank you, though. I'm thirty eight. I started saying last year that kids would not work into my life."

"And, here you are. You're getting one anyway," Olivia laughed. Alex smacked Olivia's arm. "Ow, Counselor. Abuse!"

"Whatever. It didn't hurt."

Olivia smiled sideways at the woman beside her. "Fine. Whatever."

Alex smirked, wrinkling her nose at the detective. "Whatever," she mimicked.

"Mature, Cabot," Olivia snickered. "Real mature."


	9. Chapter 9

**9.**

Nights without clouds were some of the best nights. From a young age, Alex had been captured by the mystery of the stars, and, even as an adult who had been told about the billions of years it took to make a star sparkle, they still held a rare kind of magic to them. It seemed, too, that the magic came to life especially in a city like New York where it was usually too bright even in the darkest hour to see anything in the sky above them. But, a rolling black out across the city had drawn a lot of New Yorkers to their roof tops to watch the glittering skies.

Alex knew that at any moment, the lights would come back on. Whatever had caused the problem would be fixed, and life would go on as normal, but until then, she was attached to her complex rooftop, staring up with a wide appreciation of just how small she was in the grand scheme of things.

"It's crazy, isn't it?" the woman next to her said. "All those stars out there, and we almost never see them here."

"I've been told man destroys magic," Alex murmured, unable to break her gaze and see which of the neighbors she was talking to. It sounded like the accountant who lived across the hall from her, but Alex was not entirely certain.

"Magic?"

"I think magic and science are the same thing," Alex said. "Magic is what happens. Science explains how and why."

As the lights flickered back on and only the brightest of the stars remained, Alex looked at her neighbor and offered her a small smile. The raven haired woman returned it. Alex had been right, it was the accountant neighbor she had. Unfortunately, Alex had no idea about the woman outside of her occupation. "Candace," the woman said, holding out her hand, relieving Alex the awkward question.

"Alex," the attorney replied. "You're in 315B, right?"

"Yea. Don't hesitate to say hi." Candace flashed an award winning grin at Alex before she disappeared back into the building, following the two other tenants who had ventured out to enjoy the rare show.

Alex stayed on the roof top by herself, admiring the view. New York City had pretty much always been her home, and she did enjoy it. She could never live in the country somewhere. Even Queens pushed it for her, and that was saying something considering how close Queens was to the city itself. Leaning over the ledge, Alex looked down. The street spanned out beneath her, though the complex was not actually that tall as compared to some of the other buildings nearby.

The wind whipped just a little, just enough that she felt like she was spinning, a leaf at the mercy of external forces. Sighing, Alex wrapped her arms around herself and stepped back from the ledge, quietly admiring the sky, the city lights now too bright to see much of anything, before heading back to the quiet of her own apartment.

The next morning, Alex got up and went out with the intent to simply enjoy herself. She had less than a month really by herself before she would have someone attached to her at all times outside of work. While she appreciated that fact, she was also keenly aware that the things she had spent the past nearly nine months avoiding, she might not be able to do for a few months even if she wanted to. Plus, she sorely needed a day to pamper herself.

And, that, she did. She had a few things she wanted to pick up in the morning for the baby's room including glow in the dark stars and planets for the ceiling. It seemed silly, perhaps, but she had spent the better part of the night dreaming of the night sky, and it seemed only fitting. She wandered around the craft store for a little while, but she did not get anything else. Her day consisted of a manicure and pedicure as well as getting her hair cut and styled.

It was probably better than she could have asked for and served as a reminder to herself that she had been neglecting her own desires for some time. By the time she made it home, she was more than ready and willing to relax back into her couch with a bowl of ice cream and a movie. And, she was happy to do so without interruption.

Except in her life, there always seemed to be an interruption. More often than not, it came when she was starting to feel better – about herself, about her surroundings, about something. Then, came in the clouds.

That night, it came with a knock on her door.

Groaning, Alex stood up and peeked through her peep hole. Opening the door, she looked between the sergeant detective and the captain with a bit of surprise. "Not that I would ever turn down company, but you two at my door this late at night hardly screams company," Alex said, gesturing the two to enter. "What can I do for you?"

"Alex," Olivia said, "I – we. You remember Zach Peddleton?"

"Sure," Alex said with a shiver. She sincerely hoped they had not come by to talk about creepy old cases. "He's the one that locked his victims in old appliances at the dump." Alex shuddered again. All three of his victims had survived, but two were severely disabled and had left New York. The other had moved out of the country. Alex did not blame them. Their stories were true horror stories.

"He made parole two months ago," Don Cragen said. Alex regarded him carefully. He had never seemed so nervous or worried, not even when one of his own detectives was in serious trouble, as he did at that moment. "Liz Donnelly's gone missing. We found his prints in her apartment."

"Oh, God," Alex breathed, her hands covering her mouth. Elizabeth Donnelly had retired from the bench four years prior, but Alex had still kept in touch with her enough that, from time to time, the two women had had lunch together while Alex was in town, before she quit her position with the international law firm. She had not seen the former judge since, but the lost contact had not meant that Alex stopped caring for her as a person. Indeed, Elizabeth Donnelly had seen Alex through some rough patches in her law school career.

Olivia chewed at her lip. "Alex, Donnelly's the trial and sentencing judge in that case."

"You think he targeted her for that?" Alex asked, suddenly realizing why they were nervous.

"Julianne Dunbar was his defense attorney," Olivia said. "She's missing, too. Reported kidnapped from her office. We're still waiting on prints to come back, but my gut says they'll match."

Alex shook her head. "How did he make parole? He was convicted of three attempted aggravated murders and three first degree kidnapping charges. Those are Class A felonies, Don. Twenty years is the minimum, and it's only been ten."

"I'm not on the parole board, Alex," Don said. "I would never have let him out. He was apparently the model inmate, took all of the classes they told him to and then some."

Feeling suddenly cold, Alex took the blanket from the back of her couch and wrapped it around her shoulders. "I've been the target of defendants wanting revenge before. It's not a big deal."

"I want someone with you twenty four seven, Alex," Don said. "You may have been the target, but we've lost you once. I don't intend to lose you again. Not when it's more than your own life at stake."

"So, you're-" Alex started, gesturing to Olivia.

"First shift," Olivia said. "If you're okay with it."

"Yea, no. That's fine. I learned a long time ago that some things are just not worth arguing with you two." Alex hugged her blanket tighter around her. She offered Don a look that said she was steeled against everything, that she was a survivor, and she would be fine. They all knew she was a survivor. If she went down, she went down kicking and biting, and she always rose back up. But, she understood his fear. Eventually, her luck was going to run out. She would rather that luck run out later rather than sooner. Much, much later, if she could help it.

With a soft, paternal smile, Cragen rested his hand on Alex's arm. "You're with Olivia. You'll be fine," he said, though they all knew if Peddleton was going to go after Alex, not even Olivia would stop him indefinitely unless she got the first shot.

"I know, Don," Alex murmured, but she gave the man a hug anyway. "Thanks for looking out for me."

Alone with Olivia, Alex curled up on the couch. "I can't do this again, Olivia," Alex murmured. "I can't be on edge every moment of my life. Wasn't Zapato enough for one life? Or, am I really that much of a bad person?"

Sighing, Olivia rested her chin on Alex's knee. "Alex, I don't think it's that you're a bad person. I think you're such a good person that all the bad people want to try and hurt that. But, I'm glad you are who you are. And, you are never bad."

"How long do I have a guardian?" Alex asked, lifting her hand and reaching over to touch Olivia's cheek with her fingers. She slowly traced her was along the detective's cheek bone, then down her jaw to her ear and back up to her cheek.

Olivia smiled, taking Alex's hand in her own. "As long as it takes to catch him, Alex. And, we will catch him."

"I hope Liz and Julianne are still alive. I hope he's not tormenting them. God, I hope he's not." Alex closed her eyes, exhaling slowly. She did not want to think of her once favorite judge at the hands of that psychopath. And, though she did not like Julianne in a manner of professional terms, she had always thought the woman to be a good person. She would hate it if something terrible were happening to her. She had, after all, tried everything she possibly could to get her client off. She had done everything that a defense attorney was meant to do, and she had done it well. The evidence was just overwhelmingly against them, and Alex was good at her job.

"We'll find them. We will," Olivia murmured, rubbing Alex's calf slowly. Alex could see in Olivia's eyes the conviction coupled with the uncertainty of how they were going to find them – what would have happened to them at the hands of such a beast. "If he hurt them, Alex, I don't know he'll make it to court."

"Officially," Alex whispered, "I didn't hear that."

"Officially," Olivia said, "I didn't say it."

Alex nodded, curling further into herself leaving Olivia leaning against the couch, watching her longtime friend. Suddenly, Alex stood, rushing into the bathroom, not even bothering to close the door behind her. For a few months, she had been more than a little accustomed to leaning over the toilet or the kitchen sink throwing up, but even with her daily dose of medicine, it had not been that bad in a while.

Quietly, Olivia stroked Alex's hair away from her face. It was different when they both knew the victims. It was different when Alex was on a target list. Alex lost everything in her stomach and continued dry heaving several more times before she sat back, her hands shaking.

"Alex, why don't you go lie down in bed? You look pale."

"Can you blame me?" Alex asked. "I'm so tired of holding it together. I feel like I'm using Elmer's glue to keep me together. Bandages like that just aren't working anymore. Not with this little bombshell." Alex stood, refusing Olivia's assistance. She padded her way back to her room, her hand running along the wall. As the detective suggested, she did lay down, curled on her side. "Stay with me?"

Olivia nodded, lying down on the other side of the bed, her hands tucked under her cheek, laying so that they were facing each other. "I'm really sorry about all of this, Alex."

Alex did not say anything in return, and so they fell into a quiet silence. After several minutes, Olivia reached over and stroked Alex's hair behind her ears. "You've been fighting those tears, Alex, like your life depends on it. Talk to me."

"There's a psychopath out there who is holding not only his defense attorney but also a judge. Maybe he murdered them. Maybe he's torturing them. I can't get the images of those first three women out of my head. I had nightmares about that case, Olivia. Now, two people I know are living it and I might be next. What's there to talk about?"

Olivia smiled faintly. It was a supportive smile more than anything, and Alex turned her face into the pillow to avoid it. "You've got a lot more on your mind than that, Alex."

"Just the complicated life I lead," Alex said, shaking her head. "How long are you my body guard?"

"We're taking twelve hour shifts. Fin will be here in the morning and spend the day with you. Amanda's going to spend the night."

"Guys during the day, gals during the night."

"We thought it might be easier that way."

"You."

"What?"

"You thought it might be easier that way," Alex said.

Olivia bit her lower lip. "Is it?" she asked. Closing her eyes, Alex nodded. "Then, stop complaining." Olivia gave a short laugh, her hand covering Alex's on the bed. The attorney smiled, holding on to Olivia's fingers, curled together with the comforter.

000

"She's still sleeping," Olivia said, her voice low and distant. Alex felt around her, clutching the blanket on her shoulders. It was the one from her couch, and she drew it closer around her, remembering why the detective was in her house. The pillow beside hers was missing, and Alex figured the woman had taken it to sleep on the couch. Alex found it sweet, and she surprised herself blushing at the thought.

"Oh, God," Alex gasped, sitting up.

"What's wrong?" Olivia asked, pushing the door open, Fin standing behind her.

Alex shook her head. "It's nothing. The baby just kicked hard."

With narrowed lids, Olivia eyed the blonde. "You sure?" she asked, her tone betraying that she did not believe her friend.

"I'm sure," Alex murmured.

Olivia regarded Alex once more. "Alright. Fin's going to be taking over. Alex, call if you need –" She hesitated the span of a heartbeat, but Alex heard it and understood. "Anything."

"I will. Thank you. Um, actually, do either of you want breakfast? I don't want to let this, any of it, change what I might or might not go do. I've done too much of that already."

Fin shrugged. "I'm your body guard, Alex. Whatever you want to do."

"You're not my body guards. You're my friends. And, while I appreciate the whole keeping me safe from a deranged psychopath thing, I would also like to take my friends to breakfast if they want to go."

Olivia and Fin exchanged a glance. "Sure," Fin said with a shrug. "We're in. What are you craving?"

Alex laughed. "An egg and turkey bagel. You have no idea how badly I've wanted one since about two this morning. This kid has very, very specific tastes." She forced a smile that she did not quite feel. Still, she would be damned if she ever let anyone control her through fear, and that was what she had been doing. It stopped. With everyone. She was so close to being a mother that she had decided about the only thing she could fear was that very role. And, truth be told, it was a role that terrified her the way no man ever had.

"Give me forty minutes to get ready?" Alex requested, hugging the blanket to her body. Her room was abandoned, the door shut behind the last detective out. As much as she could, Alex hurried to shower, cringing halfway through her shower, using the wall for support. After a few seconds, the cramping feeling passed, and she was able to finish her shower.

At breakfast, she did not feel like she could eat much despite feeling hungry. She tried her best to disguise it by asking questions about Peddleton. Still, her only eating a couple pieces of fruit did not go unnoticed by those specifically trained to notice the unusual.

"You okay, Cabot? You're not eating."

Alex shrugged. "Just thinking," she murmured. "I'd like to pretend he can't affect me this way, but they're my friends. I can't help it." Alex froze for a second, closing her eyes as she gasped.

"What's wrong, Alex?" Olivia asked.

The attorney shook her head. "Nothing. Baby's just having a punching fest with my organs." She smiled, again, a smile she did not feel. "If you're done, mind if we head home? Lying down usually helps."

"Yea, sure," Olivia said.

Alex paid, after a brief argument with Fin and Olivia about her picking up the tab for their breakfasts, too, and the trio started their walk back to the apartment. A little over halfway there, Alex grabbed Olivia's hand, pulling her to a stop as she cringed, squeezing the detective's hand. Her other hand found the wall of a building, and her nails scraped the brick. "Um, change of plans," she said.

"Yea, okay," Olivia said, guiding Alex towards the wall. "Sit down, okay? Take a few deep breaths. How far apart are your contractions?"

"Still about ten minutes. They just hurt."

"How long have you been timing them?" Olivia asked.

Biting her lip, Alex looked up at the detective. "Since this morning."

"You didn't tell me?"

"I'm sorry. I wasn't sure. But, they're pretty regular, and they're getting more painful."

Fin nodded. "My car's about a block up. I'll be right back. Faster than a bus."

"Yea," Alex said. "Okay. Thanks."

Olivia sat down next to Alex, holding her hand in hers. Alex squeezed that hand and buried her face into Olivia's shoulder, sobbing. "It'll be okay, Alex," the detective soothed.

"I'm so scared," Alex murmured.

Smoothing Alex's hair down, Olivia gave the attorney a somewhat hug. "I promise, I won't let him get to you or your baby, okay? You'll both be safe."

"That's not what I'm scared of," Alex whispered.

"I know," Olivia answered. "But, you'll be a great mother. And, no matter what happened, that baby's lucky to have you as a mother."

"I don't really remember what happened, Liv," Alex whispered, her hand tight around Olivia's. "It's so fuzzy, not in order. Or, maybe it is." Olivia did not respond. She only stroked Alex's hair softly. After a few seconds, Alex continued. "I remember someone choking me, hitting me. I think it was because I was trying to fight him, but I don't know. There's a lot of blank spots. I went somewhere with someone. I don't know where. All I remember is walking and it being cold. Someone followed me back to the hotel. There's bodies against me. Two. But, I can't tell if they're together. One, I don't know. And, I just remember that it hurt. I hate him. It's cold where he takes me. The other one, I know. I think. I think it's Eric. But, it's warm and soft, and I remember him asking me if it hurt. He didn't want to hurt me. I don't remember if it hurt. I don't know if I should hate him."

Alex stopped talking, rubbing her arm with her free hand, the other hand still latched on to Olivia's. "It's okay to be confused, Alex," Olivia said. "It's okay to be angry and afraid. It's okay to want to hate them, both of them. It's okay if you hate them."

Nodding, Alex clenched Olivia's hand. "They're getting closer together. Where's Fin?"

As if his name summoned him, Fin pulled up in the unmarked police car, and Olivia helped Alex to her feet. Curling in the back seat, Alex waited for Olivia to crawl in after her, reluctant to let go of the woman's hand. "I am so not ready for this," Alex mumbled, fighting the tears. "I'm not ready to be a mom."

"Yea," Fin said. "You are, Cabot. You wouldn't be a mom if you weren't ready. And, you've been ready. Don't think I haven't caught you reading to the little one already."

Biting her lip, Alex looked at Olivia. The detective shrugged. "I'm not surprised."

"You weren't supposed to see that," Alex said, flushing.

"What gets me," Olivia teased, "was that it was Shakespeare. That damn book under the baby's crib."

Alex laughed, the noise halfway between a laugh and a sob. She cuddled up to Olivia, still holding her hand, just resting her head on the detective's shoulder. "I kept pretending that if I ignored it this day would never come," she whispered. "I knew it wasn't true, and that the baby needed things at home prepared, but I wanted to pretend this wasn't going to happen."

"It's okay," Olivia said. "I've got you, Alex, and I won't let go unless you want me to."

Shaking her head, Alex held Olivia's hand tighter.

Alex barely relinquished Olivia's hand for the doctor to take her vitals. When she next really let go, it was four hours later, and she was exhausted, drenched in her own sweat and things she did not want to think about, and she was shaking so badly that she didn't think she could hold the baby the nurse was trying to offer her. "I'm going to drop him," Alex whispered.

"No you won't," Olivia said. "Let me help you." The detective sat on the edge of the bed and very carefully wrapped her arms around Alex, helping to hold her arms steady.

"There you go," the nurse said with a soft smile. "You got it. You got him. Support his head just like this. You got it. See, you're a pro already."

The foreign weight in Alex's arms had the effect of a ricocheting bullet on her heart. She was instantly his. A sob escaped her lips as she started to cry. "Hi, handsome," she murmured, rubbing his cheek with her thumb. He turned to her thumb, his mouth working as though he were searching for his first meal. Alex offered him her thumb, and he latched on. She gasped. "Hi, Jameson. Hi, beautiful boy. I'm your mommy. And, this is your Auntie Liv."

"Hi, Jameson," Olivia cooed. "We're so glad you're here. Look at that red hair."

Alex traced his wrinkled, pink skin with her finger. "Mine was that color when I was a kid. It turned blonde when I was about two."

"He's beautiful, Alex. He really is."

"I know," Alex said, another sob escaping. "And, he's my son." Alex turned and looked at Olivia. "I have a son." A grin broke through her tears, and she looked between the detective and her son as if she still could not believe who she was holding in her arms. "Oh, God, Olivia, I have a son."

"Yea, you do." Olivia hugged Alex around the shoulders and lay her head against Alex's shoulder to look down at the baby. "Hey there, cutie. You're gonna give Mommy a run for her money, aren't you?"

Jameson yawned, a small sound breaking from him as if in affirmative response. Alex laughed. He wiggled his fist up out of the blankets, stretching it above his head. Once more, he yawned, then turned his face, blinked his eyes once, and was sound asleep again. "Yea," Alex murmured. "Me, too."


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Thanks for sticking with me. I think you'll like this chapter. Let me know what you think: truth or lie?_

_DMAA_

**10.**

"Olivia," Alex whispered, the first light of early morning just peeking through the hospital room Alex had been assigned. "Olivia, wake up."

"Huh?" the detective groaned, sitting up in the recliner she had fallen asleep in. Blinking, she looked around her, smiling when she saw Alex sitting up in her bed. "Oh, hey, sorry. What?"

"You don't have to stay. It can't be comfortable sleeping like that."

Olivia laughed softly. "I've slept in stranger places, Alex, believe me. And, yes, one of us needs to be with you always, even with hospital security. How are you feeling?"

"Sore," Alex murmured. "Exhausted."

"Did you sleep?"

"For a little while, yea. Little guy's already a pro at waking me up to be fed, though." Alex looked down at the bundle of flesh and blankets in her arms. Jameson was asleep, and it was the hard, fast sleep of an infant who had just filled his stomach. "I still can't believe it."

Olivia laughed again. "It's about time someone had you wrapped around his finger."

Flushing, Alex looked away, her lower lip between her teeth. "Yea," she murmured. "The only man who ever will."

The detective puzzled over that statement, but she knew better than to ask for an explanation. If Alex had wanted to offer one, she would have said as much. Instead, Olivia looked up at the clock. "Nick should be here in about an hour."

"I know," Alex said. "I already asked him to bring breakfast. This hospital food sucks."

Smiling, Olivia shook her head. "Yea, well, I need coffee. Want anything?"

"Hot chocolate?" Alex asked. "Ask Rhonda if that's okay, first. She's the charge nurse this shift."

"Will do. Did they tell you when they thought you might be going home?"

Alex nodded. "Tomorrow morning at the latest. I asked the doctor to do everything he could to expedite that process. I would really like to sleep in my own bed tonight. Plus, Jamie needs to get used to his own bassinet."

"May I?" Olivia asked. Alex nodded, offering the baby up to the detective. "Good morning, Jamie."

The baby yawned, smacking his lips in his sleep before his face fell slack again. Olivia smiled and went to hand him back to his mother. Alex shook her head. "You can put him in his bed," she said. "I don't want him to think that the only place he can sleep is in my arms, you know?"

"Fair enough," Olivia answered, kissing Jameson's forehead before she set him down. "It's hard to resist, though, isn't it?"

"God, yes," Alex moaned. "I just want him right there all the time."

Olivia laughed. "See? Didn't Fin tell you that you were ready to be a mom?"

"Ugh, he did. But, don't tell him I said as much. It'll go to his head to be right." Alex smiled as she watched Olivia leave the room, the door shutting gently behind her. Sitting up further, Alex reached out and pulled Jamie's basket closer to her. She was content to just watch him sleep. A little bit of skin that had peeled from his lip fluttered softly every time he exhaled, and she reached down and smoothed the skin back to his lip. The next breath out, though, and it was fluttering again, and she was not going to peel it off lest she peel off too much.

"Here," Olivia murmured, handing Alex the requested cup of hot chocolate. "Did you pick a middle name, yet?"

Alex nodded, taking a sip of the warm, watered down cocoa. "Benedict. Jameson Benedict Cabot."

"Formal," Olivia noted. "What's your middle name?"

"In ten years, you've never asked?" Alex said, a little surprised.

"What's mine?" Olivia challenged.

"Sophie."

Olivia pursed her lips and pouted. "Well, fine, then. Be the better friend." Olivia grinned. "Seriously, though, I think you might be avoiding the question, Counselor."

"Charlotte Audrey," Alex answered.

"You have two middle names?" Olivia asked. "Hm."

"No. Legally, my first name is Alexandra Charlotte. Audrey is my middle name."

Olivia smiled. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"My initials are A-C-A-C, Olivia. Do you know how weird that is?" Alex shook her head. "I usually just drop my middle name completely. No one knows the difference."

"You're not blessing your son with four names?"

"Nope," Alex answered. "Three is more than plenty. Can you imagine him in trouble, anyway?" Alex mocked a scolding tone. "Jameson Benedict Cabot, get over here right now, young man."

Olivia smiled. "That's pretty formidable," she said. "You're pretty formidable."

Smiling, Alex scooted over on her bed and patted the space beside her. Olivia climbed up, and the blonde attorney rested her head against Olivia's shoulder as she almost always did when they were close together and not in public.

Alex fell asleep like that within minutes, and Olivia turned the television on low to pass the time until Nick relieved her, her fingers tracing Alex's shoulder and combing through her hair absently.

The male detective walked in with a bag of take out from a nearby breakfast café. "Hey," he whispered. "How are you?"

"Good." Olivia murmured. "Alex's is out."

"I remember when Zara was born. Maria was so exhausted for days afterward." Nick set the bag down on the small, rolling table before peeking into the hospital bassinet. "He's a cutie. What did she decide to name him?"

"Jameson Benedict Cabot," Alex murmured, rolling over and smiling. "But, Jamie, for short."

"Well, hello, Jamie," Nick said. "Welcome to the world." Nick gestured to the bag he had brought in. "As requested, breakfast."

Alex smiled. "Thank goodness," the attorney said. "I'm starving, and I have been craving this since yesterday."

Olivia laughed. "A turkey and an egg bagel?"

Alex just grinned.

Shaking her head, Olivia stood. "If you two are okay, then, I have a meeting this morning. I'd like to go home and change beforehand."

With a nod, Alex bit into the bagel sandwich in front of her, her eye lids fluttering a little. "I'm okay. And, Liv?" She paused, chewing at her lip. "Thank you."

Olivia stroked Alex's hair back from her face. "Of course, Alex. Text me if you need anything, either of you."

Both Nick and Alex nodded, and Olivia dashed out of the hospital room. She did go home to change, but she did not have a meeting to attend to that had been preplanned. It was only that the day before, Alex had revealed some things that concerned the detective, and there was one person she wanted to talk to about it. What she was going to do about it all would probably depend on what was said.

So, Olivia took off to Shubert and Stanley to talk to one, Eric Stanley.

The secretary let her in only after she had said she was a friend of Alex Cabot's and needed to talk to Eric about a private matter. Eric had quickly approved of the unplanned meeting, escorting Olivia back to his office and offering her a chair.

"Would you like some coffee, Detective?" he asked.

"No, thank you," Olivia said as she rocked back and forth on her feet before following his lead and sitting. "I'm actually here to talk to you about Germany." She watched him pale only slightly. There were no other telltale signs that he thought the conversation would be a good one or a bad one. "Alex is distressed, and I want to know why in order to best help her, Eric. I'm sure you understand."

"Of course," he said with a simple nod of his head. "I will help you in any way I can, Detective, but I don't know how much help I can really be."

"We both know something happened in Germany. She's talked to me about it, but she has not truly opened up. I was kind of hoping you could tell me so that I can ask better questions of her, maybe get her to open up."

"What did she tell you happened?" Eric asked with a sigh as he looked at the detective.

Olivia leaned back in her seat, her arms folded over her stomach. "You tell me what happened. I'll see how much matches and how much more you can give me. I really just want to help her. And, I'm sure you do, too. I saw the way you looked at her when I first met you."

The older attorney nodded. "I suppose that's only fair." The pain in his eyes seemed real enough as he looked at the detective. "We still had three days in Germany, but she took off that night. We had come back from the conference and decided to go out to the bar just down the street from the hotel. Alex had a meeting with a client the next morning, so neither of us planned on drinking much. About twenty minutes in, a man approached Alex and struck up a conversation. I made up some excuse about needing to do some research and excused myself. I went back to the hotel. A little after midnight, I still hadn't heard her come in. Our rooms joined, and even though the door between our rooms was locked, we could still hear each other coming and going. I headed back to the bar just to check on her."

Eric paused as though trying to decide whether or not he ought to continue. "Alex talked about you a lot, detective. If I didn't know she trusted you with everything she ever was, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I don't want you to think differently of her because of what happened to her."

"I don't," Olivia reassured the man. He was only a couple of years her senior, and that surprised Olivia a little because she was nearly eight years Alex's senior.

Nodding, Eric continued. "When I got to the bar, she wasn't there. The bar tender told me she had left with the same man who had been talking to her at least an hour prior. It's not like Alex to go off with strange men, so I checked the area thinking maybe the two had struck up a conversation and were sitting in the parking lot chatting. I couldn't find her, so I started back to the hotel. That was when I heard a moan coming from an alley. Alex was lying against the wall. Someone had banged her up pretty good, and I thought it was a robbery. I asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital. She declined and just asked me to help her back to the hotel. While we were walking back, she suddenly got this wild look in her eyes, and she pushed me away from her and started running. I was worried about a head injury, so I ran after her. She ran up to the hotel, and the guard stopped her. I hung back."

"Why?" Olivia interrupted.

"I feared that the guard would automatically blame me. It's a little different in Germany."

"Alex could have told them it wasn't you."

Eric shook his head. "I don't think, at that point, she knew who had hurt her. I really feared for a head injury. But, the guard let her go. I went upstairs a few minutes after. When I got to my room, I could hear the shower in hers. When the water stopped running, I knocked on the door between our rooms to check on her. She opened the door and hugged me, crying. She was a little unsteady on her feet, but I couldn't smell a strong odor of alcohol. I asked her how much she had to drink. She said just one beer. I thought that it might have had something to do with the assault. I told her to lie down and get some rest."

"Why didn't you call the police?" Olivia interjected.

"I asked her multiple times if she wanted me to. She refused. I wasn't going to force something on her, detective, even if it was a police report. Alex – she's a private person."

The detective nodded. "What happened next?"

"She kissed me. At first, I asked her if she was sure she had only had one drink. She told me that it had been a long time since she had anyone come to her rescue like that. She kissed me again. I reminded her about Stephanie."

"Your wife?" Olivia asked.

"No. Alex's then girlfriend, a teacher. They were pretty serious. I didn't want Alex to mess things up with Steph."

Olivia nodded like she had known that all along, cloaking the shock she felt about learning the sexuality of her closest friend. "Okay."

"Alex told me they were headed for a break up. She couldn't be with Stephanie. She asked me to lie down with her and hold her until she fell asleep. At that point, we were both touching each other. It was mutual, and I asked her several times if she was sure. I thought she might have been in shock from the trauma. We had sex. I held her after until she fell asleep, then I went back into my room. The next morning, she was gone with her bags. I received a phone call a few hours later from her that she was resigning effective immediately. I asked her if it was because of the night before. She told me she had no memories from the night before. She apologized if we argued and apologized for not remembering. That was the first time I realized her demeanor was probably from being drugged. I assumed she was raped, because why else drug a woman? Seeing her that day in the café confirmed my suspicions."

"When did you first learn about the baby?" Olivia asked, curious more than anything.

"The day I saw you two together. I assumed she had dumped Stephanie and gotten back together with you. My apologies for the presumption. The way she used to talk about you always made me think you two had been together."

Olivia diverted the topic as gracefully as she could. It was not the first time that someone had assumed she and Alex had a thing between them. In fact, her own coworkers had once accused her of having an affair with the blonde attorney. "Why have sex with her if she was acting strangely?"

"We'd had sex one other time before, and she had acted differently then, too. She was scared which is unlike her. No, scared is the wrong word. Shy. I never imagined her to be a shy lover, but she was. At least, at first. And, the same was with that night. She was shy at first, but she became bold and demanding quickly. I fell for her the first year she worked for me. I don't need to explain to you why. But, someone else had already captured her heart, Olivia." Eric shook his head. "You know, if you pursued her, she would come to you."

With practiced skill, Olivia swallowed the questions that bubbled up from what Eric had told her. One question did nag at her, though, and she had a feeling it would not leave her alone for some time – did Alexandra Cabot have feelings for her? From what Eric said, yes, but then, he could just be saying things to distract the detective. She was accustomed to that, too. "You can't be prosecuted in America for something that happened in Germany. If you tell me you knew she was drugged or you drugged her and you took advantage of that, there's nothing I can do but hate you. But, I would like to know the truth. You said you cared about her deeply. If you tell me the truth, I can help her cope with this in the best way possible. If you lie, she suffers even more."

"I know it's difficult to believe, Olivia, but that is the truth. In all the time I have known Alex, I believe that, when she consented to me, she was very aware of what happened to her earlier that night. She was looking to regain what he took from her. I never would have done it if I had known what had happened. I thought she had needed comfort after a physical assault. If I had known it was after a sexual assault and the result would be more traumatic for her, then I would never have done it."

"Do you regret it?" Olivia asked, regarding him carefully. She still was not sure about him, though he seemed genuine enough. The topic really pained him, and not in a guilty conscience sort of way. Olivia thought it was more like a worried lover sort of way. Would he have really given everything to Alex if she would have let him? She had no answers, and she was not going to ask such a question.

Eric sighed. "I'm conflicted about that. I thought I did after I realized what must have happened. But, when I saw she was pregnant, I reconsidered. In a way, I do. I regret that she ever had to experience trauma. I regret leaving her alone in the bar that night. I regret not telling her that we shouldn't have sex, that she should have just rested. But, at the same time, her baby could be mine, biologically. She and I have talked at some length, and she has told me the only reason she didn't get an abortion was because of that possibility. We vaguely talked about the fact that she had been sexually assaulted. She had told me that she wasn't sure if I had been a part of that or not. It's why she fears me. But, I think part of her knows I would never hurt her. And, that's what she's holding on to – that though misguided, her child may have been conceived through a consensual act with someone who at least cared for her."

"Why does she think you might have been in on the assault?" Olivia asked, raising a brow.

Eric sighed, chewing his cheek. "I was alone with her drink that night while she went to the bathroom. She says that what she remembers, that was the only time her drink was out of her hands. I had opportunity."

Olivia nodded. "Motive?" she asked.

He shook his head. "No. Our relationship had turned sexual only a month before. We may have had sex only once prior, but we had discussed the reality of a purely sexual relationship between us. I had no need to drug her when I had her consent."

The detective nodded again, standing. "Thank you for your time, Eric."

"Olivia, wait," the man said, standing. "I haven't heard from Alex in a month. I'm trying to give her her space, but she's about due by now, isn't she?"

"A boy," Olivia said, "born late last night."

"She named him?" he asked, his eyes hopeful.

"Jameson," Olivia replied.

"After her grandfather." The detective nodded. "What's his middle name?" Olivia tipped her head, confused by why he would ask. The male attorney seemed to understand the look because he went on to explain. "I told Alex once that my biggest regret in life was not having children. I told her if I had a son, I would name him Benedict."

Pressing her lips together, Olivia nodded. "That's where she got the name. He's Jameson Benedict Cabot." She stood for a moment and watched the first tears slide down the older man's cheeks. "Eric, if what you tell me is true, then I hope your heart heals, too." She did not say it, but she thought it, _if you're lying, may you burn in Hell._

Olivia turned and left the office, heading back to the precinct. Really, she wanted to go back to the hospital, but there were too many questions floating in her head. Several were regarding Eric's story. She did not know whether or not to believe him. Part of her wanted to because she did not want people in the world to want to hurt Alex. Part of her thought he was lying. But, then, why lie? He could not be punished legally in the United States, even if he confessed. The other questions, and perhaps the loudest questions, were regarding Alex.

Thinking about it, the detective reasoned that it was possible Alex would have romantic feelings for her. But, they had known each other for so long, and Alex had never told Olivia that she liked women. Olivia paused in her walk. "Shit," she whispered. She had told Alex multiple times about women in her life who developed a sexual or romantic interest in her and about how Olivia appreciated it but was not attracted to women herself. Alex would never have told her at the risk of being outcast by her friend.

And, when Alex had gone to witness protection, she had specifically requested Olivia Benson and her partner meet her before she leave, not Olivia and Elliot. Then, there was the fact that Alex's biggest fear in returning to New York had been that she would have to face Olivia again knowing their relationship had changed. Olivia had thought it was because she had been the one literally trying to keep the blood in Alex's body the night she was shot. As she thought about it, it may have been that Olivia had then seen her at her weakest point, her most vulnerable. Alex had watched as Olivia was attracted to strong, dangerous men. She had been worried it would change how Olivia perceived her.

So, Olivia reasoned, it was very likely that Alex had developed romantic emotions towards the detective over the years. But, Olivia still ran into the problem of not being attracted to women. And, now that she knew, or thought she knew, could she let Alex know that it was okay to be involved with someone else? Maybe Eric was lying. Maybe he was telling the truth. But, either way, Alex deserved a man or woman who loved her in the same way she loved them.

Olivia sat down at a bench just outside the precinct and closed her eyes wondering if she had ever encouraged Alex in any way. What she actually found herself thinking about, though, was the time that a woman had kissed her. It had been soft. Not gentle because the woman had not been trying to be gentle. But, she was soft. She tried to imagine Alex kissing her like that, soft, demanding, needy. She thought about her former boyfriends, and what it was like curled up against them on the couch watching a movie or in bed just after waking up. She wondered what that would be like with a woman. Any woman, not necessarily Alexandra Cabot. And, then, she realized she knew exactly what it was like to curl on the couch with Alex, to hold the blonde in her arms. She knew what it was like to take her hand at an ice skating rink and pull her around behind her as the attorney regained her muscle memory on how to skate. She knew what it was like to catch her when she fell.

Opening her eyes with a kind of gasp, she realized she knew what it was like to kiss Alex, though the blonde had not responded. She had been lying in a pool of her own blood, and Olivia, fearing the worst, had leaned down as the medics pulled up and kissed Alex softly, chastely on the lips. She had not meant anything by it except that she had been so afraid that it would be the last time she got to say good bye. "Don't leave me," she had whispered. "Please don't leave me."

Alex's response that night had been to close her fingers around Olivia's. "I'm so cold," she had whispered back, her body shaking from the shock of blood loss.

They had never talked about it, and Olivia wondered for the first time if Alex even remembered it. It was something Olivia had put out of her mind because it was a night she tried not to think about too much. The night she had almost lost her best friend was a painful one to remember.


	11. Chapter 11

**11.**

"You've been unusually quiet today," Nick Amaro pointed out as he set a coffee cup down on the desk in front of the brunette female detective.

Olivia looked up from her reading. "Huh? Oh. Sorry. Thanks," she mumbled. "Just hoping to find this Peddleton guy sooner rather than later. There's two women still missing because of him."

"We have search teams combing the landfills, but it seems like he may have digressed from his usual pattern." Nick sighed as he looked over Olivia. "We'll get him, Liv, before he gets Alex. And, we'll get Liz and Julianne back."

The female detective nodded. "Yea, I know," she murmured, though she was wondering how true that was. They had not found him yet, and they were a little over a week with two missing women. Thus far, though, no move had been made toward Alex. Perhaps he was not plotting to take her, but Olivia knew from experience it was too much to hope for. Instead, his plans had probably fallen behind because the detectives had upped Alex's security.

Granted, that could be good or bad, Olivia did not know. It might mean that Alex would be okay and they would find him first. It might also mean that he would take his rage out on the two women he did have. No one wanted to talk about that possibility.

Checking her watch, Olivia stood, flipping the folder closed and holding it against her chest. "I gotta go. Fin's expecting me."

"Let me drive you," Nick offered. "I'd like to say hi to Jamie before she puts him down for the night."

"You and that kid-" Olivia laughed, shaking her head.

Grinning, Nick pulled his jacket on. "What can I say, I've got a way with the little tykes."

"He's not even a month old, Nick. Let the kid have some rest. You'll see him tomorrow morning when you bring us both a bagel sandwich." That was their thing. Any time Nick relieved Olivia of her guardian duties, he brought both women a bagel sandwich. Since Alex spent a lot of her down time sleeping, Olivia and Fin provided things for the detectives to do outside of work related things. Olivia spent the night. Since Jameson was born, Alex had requested Fin be her other overnight detective. No one said anything, but Fin was the only other detective who thought it had been a sexual assault. He had asked Alex multiple times if she was safe from the child's father. Only Olivia knew the fragmented bits of Alex's mind, but even then, Olivia was not sure what more Alex was hiding from her. She did know, based on her gut, that Alex was not telling her everything.

Nick shrugged. "I'll be there anyway."

Laughing, Olivia sat back in the car, pulling her seat belt on. "Alex is a saint for letting so many people near that kid."

"Yea, she's something else."

Olivia raised her brow. "What does that mean?"

"She's some kind of woman. I mean, how she's single is beyond me."

With an eye roll, Olivia shook her head. "It's not my job to speculate about other people's personal lives."

"Sure it is," Nick retorted. "We do it all the time."

Rubbing her eyes, Olivia yawned. "Ask what you're going to ask."

"How'd you know?"

"Really?" She gave the male detective her classic 'you're kidding me' look, her lips in a thin smile.

"Alright, alright. Is she a lesbian?"

"You'd have to ask her," Olivia said with a sigh. "But, I think the fact that she has a kid kind of speaks for itself." Only Fin and Olivia knew about the assault in Germany. It had not been shared with Amanda or Nick or even Don. Fin knew far fewer details than Olivia. He just had the impression the relationship had not been entirely consensual. He did not know the where or when or who.

"Are you?" Nick brought her back to the present with his question.

"No."

"Did you two, were you ever – Fin told me about the bets. Did anyone win?"

"No."

"Because you never got caught or because –"

"Nothing happened between us. She's my best friend, Nick."

The male detective nodded, and they fell silent for the next two minutes of the drive. Apparently, though, Nick was compelled to keep on it because he added, "You two would be cute together."

"Not going to happen," Olivia said. "Drop the subject."

Grinning, Nick returned his attention to the road. Olivia eyed him suspiciously but said nothing as he pulled up to a meter in front of Alex's apartment complex. The two detectives hopped out of the car. "Hey Andy," Olivia said to the night doorman.

"Detectives," the man replied, nodding his head as he held open the door. "Good to see you again."

"You, too," Nick said before they trotted up the stairs to Alex's apartment. There was an elevator, but after their conversation, Olivia needed to burn off a little nervous energy. Her stomach was still knotted when she arrived at Alex's front door, but she held up her hand, stopping Nick from entering. Silent, he complied.

Olivia stared at the frame. It was not broken or damaged, but something about it was not right. Olivia's fingers hovered just about the frame as she looked at it several moments. Then, she realized what it was that was so bothering her. It wasn't the frame that was damaged. It was the door. It bowed outward slightly as though something heavy had come into contact with it from the other side.

Closing her eyes, Olivia listened. There was utter silence through the door. On instinct, Olivia drew her service weapon, holding it low in her hands as she inserted the key into the door and turned the lock. The door swung open, but the scene inside was messy. The couch had been over turned. The door to the bedroom was open, sheets in a mess trailing out of the room. Olivia could see the blood on some of the otherwise white sheets. It made her stomach churn.

In clearing the apartment, Olivia found a still unconscious Detective Tutuola on the ground. His right arm was bent in a strange shape, and there was dried blood around his left eye and down his cheek. "Fin," Olivia exclaimed, pressing her fingers to his neck to make sure he still had a pulse. "Fin, talk to me."

He did not.

"Nick, call a bus for Fin."

"Liv, I got nothing. Alex is gone." Nick pulled out his cell phone, dialing into dispatch.

"Jamie?" Olivia asked, her voice catching in her throat. Nick nodded, pointing to the baby's room. Olivia holstered her gun and practically ran inside.

The baby's room was a mess. As Olivia glanced at the scene, she could only imagine the fight that had gone down. Small flecks of blood stained the carpet. She wondered what had been going on. Had Peddleton surprised them in the living room, attacking Fin first? Had Alex run into the baby's room to protect him? The fight seemed to move in towards the crib, so that seemed likely. Yet, from what Olivia could see, there were no drag marks along the floor meaning that Alex somehow walked out of the room with her captor. Had he threatened the life of her son? Had she traded? Hers for his?

Olivia wanted to be sick, and she had no idea what was going on.

"Hey, little man," she murmured, hovering over the crib. Carefully, she reached down and scooped the baby up in her arms. He was staring at her, wide eyed, small face puckered with stress. Whatever had happened, it had not been that long ago. Olivia was sure of it. "I got you now, Jamie. I've got you."

"Hey," Nick said, "I called CSU and that Cap. They're on their way. Bus en route for Fin. He's waking up."

Nodding, Olivia held the little boy closer to her as she returned to the living room and crouched down beside Fin. "Hey," she murmured.

"Huh?" Fin babbled. "Alex. Fuck. Where's Alex?"

Olivia shook her head, her hand firmly on the detective's chest as he tried to sit up. "He got her. Did you see him?"

"Yea. Shit. Alex opened the door to sign for a package. He made a grab for her. She fell back in here, and I jumped on him. I thought I had him, but he twisted free. I have no idea what he clobbered me with, but damn, I was out. Alex ran into Jamie's room. Last I saw her." He shook his head. "Fuck, Liv, this is all my fault."

"No. But, we do need to find her. I hate to think what he might do to her. What time was it?"

"Just after six."

Fin seemed to notice his arm at that time, too, because he groaned, holding it. Olivia could tell he was shoving the pain inside. Nothing like a little internal turmoil to get the blood boiling. At least he was enraged enough that the pain was dulled. "Dammit all to hell. This guy's gunna get fucked up, I swear."

"I know. Ambulance is coming by. You should get checked out. I'm gunna see if TARU can't trace her phone." Olivia stood, still holding the baby, and called the precinct. There was a dark, sick, heavy weight balling up in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to vomit, but she knew she could not. She knew she had to stay put together to get Alex back. She knew she had to maintain control for the small baby in her arms who had no idea what had happened to his mother or why.

Fin was transported to the hospital. Nick went with him, giving his keys to Olivia. Olivia stayed on scene with Cragen and Amanda who showed up to offer assistance. There was not too much the two female detectives could really do. Cragen looked to them both. "Rollins, check on TARU, see if they're having any luck. Alex's phone isn't in the apartment. Liv, go talk to the social worker." He looked at the baby. "Jamie doesn't need to be in the system if we can help it. See what we need to do to put him with one of us until we find her."

A social worker had been dancing around just off scene. A single parent had been kidnapped, children left on scene. It did not take Human Services that long to get a social worker out there to scurry the children to the next safest home. Olivia ducked under the police tape and waved to the woman.

"Hi, Detective," the woman said. "Thank you. Have the medics checked him out?"

"Yes," Olivia said, not giving the baby up despite the worker reaching for him. "He's in good condition. He's a little hungry, and I need to go to the store and buy him some diapers since his were thrown around the nursery."

"I can make sure he's fed and has all the proper necessities."

Olivia tipped her head, staring at the overworked woman. Weren't they all, though? "So can I. I'm his aunt. Can't I take him?"

"Aren't you investigating the case?"

"Yes. But, Alex and Jamie are family. Does he have to go to a home that isn't family? While Alex is gone, at least I know how she wanted him cared for. I've been with him since the moment he was born." Olivia touched his cheek. "I was the first person in this world to hold him. Besides, he may be in danger from the same man who kidnapped Alex. You put him in a foster home, and that family will be in danger as well and will be less likely to be able to protect him. I can keep him safe."

The woman danced on the balls of her feet. "I don't know. I'll call my supervisor and see what he thinks."

"Yea," Olivia said, rolling her eyes when the woman could no longer see her. "If you need anything further, you can meet us at the station. I need to go pick some stuff up for him."

"How will you drive him around?" the woman asked.

Olivia raised a brow. "I'll have a patrol unit drop off a car seat for him from the station. Not a big deal," she said, already pulling her phone from her pocket.

"I have a car seat. I'll give it to you. What's your number?"

The detective gave the social worker her cell number and took the car seat, fixing it into the back of the unmarked cruiser she and Nick had arrived in. "Hey, buddy," Olivia murmured as she placed the baby in the seat. "I know it's gonna be a rough night for you, but I promise, we'll get your mommy back for you as soon as possible. Uncle Fin and Nick and Amanda and I are going to fight until we find her again. In the meantime, I'm so, so sorry. I know I'm not your mommy, but I'll do my best, okay?"

Jamie cooed up at her, and she smiled, leaned over, and placed a kiss on his forehead. "Alright, tiny, let's go get you some formula and a bottle since Mommy doesn't have any of that stuff. And, diapers. And whatever else I decide I need at –" She checked her watch and sighed. "Nine o'clock at night."

The detective drove to the supermarket since everything else was closed and picked up the essentials to get them through the night. They were going straight to the police station where they would probably be all night, so at least Olivia felt comforted that Jamie would have his SVU family with him all night. And, they would have Alex's son. At least he would be safe. She agonized over finding Alex, but she had to protect the baby as well, and that meant providing for him even while she wanted to hit the streets and track him down and tear him to shreds the old fashioned way – with her bare hands.

"Well, Jamie, I hope you like this formula," she said, turning it over in her hands before tossing two bottles in her little basket as well. She picked up a toy key ring and a small plushie elephant, adding those to the cart.

"I've really got nothing for a baby," she told him with a laugh. "We'll make it through, though. I bet you're like your mom, a real survivor." She paid and headed back to the station house, listening to the police radio as they drove, hoping for suspicious activity or anything else to be reported that would help lead them to Alex. She hated this part of the hunt, and it was even worse since her best friend was missing, too.

Chewing her cheek, Olivia parked in the police garage and crawled in the back of the car with the baby. "Just forewarning you, Jame, it's going to be kind of chaotic tonight." She blinked back the tears she had been fighting all evening as she brushed his cheek with her hand. He turned his face to her fingers, and she let him suck on one. That battle with her tears was one she was losing, and she did not want to. "I want to get your mommy back, kiddo. I do. I'm gonna do whatever it takes. I promise. We'll get you your mommy back."

Pressing her lips together, Olivia shook her head, shook the tears back. "Alex," she whispered to the universe, "I can't lose you. I need you. We need you."

"Where are you taking me?" Alex asked quietly as she shifted her hands in a more comfortable position. She had cooperated the moment he had pulled a gun on her son. Who knew the person she was most conflicted about was the one she most loved was her most vulnerable spot. Of course, that made sense. Granted, now that they were quite a distance from her apartment, Alex figured that she could fight him. But, then, he had a gun. He could shoot her. At least, if she cooperated, she had a chance to return to her son. It surprised her how much she ached to see his first steps and hear his first words, feel his weight on her chest as he slept. He might just shoot her either way, but she figured she had a better chance surviving if she was docile.

Zach shrugged. "It's a surprise," he said. "A suitable place for you."

"Where are Julianna and Liz?"

He smiled over at her. "Don't worry, they're alive." But, the way he said it, that made her think that it was more terrifying they had been left alive than anything else. "But, I got you right now, bitch. You're the one I really want. All high and mighty in your court room. I've watched you for a while. Playing Momma really changed you, you know that?"

He twisted in his seat and reached back to her, stroking her face. She pulled away, recoiling further into the back seat of the truck. At least he hadn't thrown her in the truck bed. Or, maybe that would have been better. She could have gotten attention from another car. "We passed the New York State border twenty minutes ago," she said, glancing at the clock on the dash. It was seven forty. Olivia had probably just arrived at her house and discovered her missing and Fin hurt. She really hoped Fin was okay.

"Yep."

"You just went from a local offense to a federal one. When they catch up to you, it's a heftier charge."

He just smiled, tracing her lips with his finger. "They won't catch up to me, sweetie," he purred. He pushed his finger into her mouth. It took every ounce of will she had not to chomp down. But, the look of horror on her face must have been sufficient to alert him to something because he stroked his finger over her tongue only a couple of times before he patted her cheek. "Oh, yea, I forgot. Germany. Did you ever figure out what happened? I'd love to know the whole story."

Alex said nothing as she clenched her fists, wrists bound with duct tape.

"Maybe he was on to something, though. Your boss. Or whoever spiked your drink. Makes you kind of an unreliable witness when they do get you back." For a moment, Alex felt hope flicker in her chest. "Oh, yea. I will give you back to them. Hopefully, they find you before you die. I don't care either way, but for your sake. Besides, it would suck if you left your son without a mother. What kind of mother would you be, then?"

Biting her lip, Alex still refrained from saying anything. She had so much that she wanted to say, but she did not. She was afraid he would turn around and hurt Jamie. Even if Olivia protected him, he would hurt Olivia, too. He had already hurt Fin. She could not be responsible for that.

"Do you miss him yet?"

"Yes," Alex whispered.

"Really? Even with all that crying? And the lack of sleep?"

"Yes," Alex said again.

"At least with me, you can sleep," he said.

She shook her head. "I won't," she murmured. "Not until I've got him in my arms again and I'm free from you."

He grinned at her, his hand still on her face. "I can bring him with us, you know?"

"Leave him alone. Let him grow up unscathed. Right now, he's just a baby. He's not like you, and he's not like me."

"You mean, he hasn't had a chance to become a monster." Alex hesitated, her eyes casting to the floor. "What if his daddy's a monster?"

"It doesn't mean he has to be," Alex said, conviction in her voice. Her gut still clenched, but she would never admit it aloud. "I can raise him not to be."

"What makes you so sure you're the best to do that?" he sneered.

Shaking her head, Alex recoiled tighter into herself. Anything to get his hand off her as it wandered down her neck, his fingers grazing her shoulder. "I'm not," Alex whispered. "But, he's my son. I have to do everything I can to give him the best chance to be the best person he can be."

Zach laughed. "At least you know it." He moved his fingers over her shirt. Since she was not working, she work a lot of sweaters over tank tops to hang out around the house. It was easier to sleep that way when she had the chance. She half gasped in pain, half sobbed as he cupped her breast. "Sore yet? It's been, what? Two hours since you fed him last? I bet he's getting hungry. What must it be like to be abandoned so young? His regular source of life is gone."

Alex nodded, trying to sink back into the seat. "What did you do to Liz and Julianna?" she asked.

"You'll find out, soon, sweetie. Why spoil the surprise? You've already seen my handiwork before, Alexandra, why don't you let your imagination do some of the work?"

Whimpering, Alex scooted across the truck so she was harder to reach. His fist closed around her shirt, though, and he pulled her forward, his hand moving from her shirt to her neck as he pulled her into the front seat. Hands bound, she struggled to climb into the front seat without him choking her.

"Sit right," he growled. She did. "Seat belt. Put it on, and I'll free your hands."

With some struggle, Alex managed to belt herself in. She then held her hands up to her captor. Zach reached over and ripped the tape from around her wrists. Alex bit her cheek to stop herself from crying out. She rubbed her wrists before laying them in her lap, staring down. "Thank you," she murmured.

From the sides of her vision, she tried to figure out where he was keeping his gun. She thought it might be on his back or left side, though, because she could not see it. And, usually, when Olivia carried, she could figure out where unless she was trying to conceal it. "You could be trained quite nicely," Zach murmured, brushing his index finger against her jaw. "Maybe I'll keep you for a while."

Alex held her breath. Anything to stay alive, to get back to Jameson, to see Olivia and the rest of the squad again.

She watched as he pulled off the highway and down a dirt street. "Where are you taking me?"

"Cabin in the woods. The guy who owns it is a hunter. He won't be around until next hunting season. Means it's just you and me until I'm tired of you."

Alex said nothing. It was nearly midnight, and she was dreading whatever would happen to her over the next few days or weeks or even months. She was imagining never seeing her son again. The remainder of the ride was spent in silence, Alex wondering if he would become a good man, if Olivia would raise him even after it was clear Alex would not be back. Would he have her gray eyes? She pressed a hand to her empty womb, little more than a week void of his presence. She still missed the sensation of him kicking at her in the middle of the night.

They pulled up to a cabin, and Zach shut off the car. He was in his late thirties, around her age. He had dark, dark hair and equally dark eyes. He was handsome in a way. At least, he would have been if he did not give off the creepy vibe. Him kidnapping her really had not made her think kindly of him, either. Or what he did to the other women. In her mind, he was a deformed monster. She made an image of him in her head, and it was something she would cover him with every time she saw him, so she never had to look at him. Never had to think of him.

Her captor opened the door to the truck and yanked Alex out. She fell to the ground, the movement too quick and rough for her to get her feet under her. With the car headlights off, the only light came from the stars and the moon, and she stared up at him as he looked down at her, panic rising with the bile in her throat. "Nein, bitte," she whispered, shielding her face.

"Do I remind you of something?" he chuckled. "We're not in Germany, sweetie. This is America. Get up."

Alex crawled to her feet praying that her apartment's security cameras caught the truck, that something somewhere caught their direction. That out there, the squad was hunting for her, following the trail. He had not changed cars. The dark blue Ford was the only vehicle she had been in since leaving, and she prayed that he was overlooking that fact. She prayed that Olivia or Fin or Amanda or Nick would figure it out, find her. As he pushed her into the house and into the bathroom, all she could do was pray.

Zach handed her a grocery bag he had been carrying that she had not noticed. "Clean yourself up. Take care of whatever you need to." He stepped close, forcefully grabbing her chest again so that she yelped in pain. He pressed his mouth against hers. Grunting, she pushed him back. He laughed, grabbed her shoulders and pulled her tight against him, kissing her. "It's not worth struggling, Alex. I'll win in the end. If you do it my way to start, you'll end up with a lot fewer broken bones, and the sooner you learn, the more likely your kid is to have a mother."

Biting her lip, Alex stopped fighting him. He may have kissed her, but she did not kiss him back. "That's better," he grumbled. "Clean up. I'll leave clothes for you." He made to step out, then paused. "Oh, and, Alex, don't bother being modest. I'll see all of you, anyway."

Blinking back the tears that wanted to come, Alex shook her head. "I have stitches," she mewled. "I'm still bleeding. You'll make it worse."

"Not my bed," Zach said with a shrug. "'Sides, you won't be on the bed. I have a crate for you."

Alex whimpered, closing her eyes until she heard the door to the bathroom close. There was no window in the bathroom for her to crawl out of, so she turned the water on in the shower. After a couple of minutes, she tried the door, but it was stuck, locked from the outside. Resigned, Alex peeked inside the bag, pulling out body wash, a wash cloth, shampoo, conditioner, and body lotion. It was all cherry scented, and that alone made her want to cry. Still, she resolved to hold herself together as much as possible.

"Alright, Alex," she whispered to herself. "You've got to survive this. You've got a kid to get back to who needs you. Nothing else matters." She bit her lip before pushing her clothing off. She bent, pulling a trinket from the pocket in the clothes she had been wearing. She twisted her son's pacifier in her fingers. She had grabbed it when she had become compliant. She was sure Zach knew she had it, but since he had not said anything, she kept it. Looking around the bathroom, she found what must have been a cleaning rag, the cloth weathered at the edges. Picking at a frayed end, Alex tore a length from the cloth, stringing the pacifier onto it. Tying it around her neck like a necklace, Alex got into the shower, the hot water biting her skin.

It was an involuntary whisper, almost a sob, a name, just touching her lips.

"Olivia."


	12. Chapter 12

_A/N: For those unfamiliar with my writing, this may be a rough chapter. It may be rough anyway. As always, if needed, I recommend contacting RAINN or your local rape crisis center if you are triggered or otherwise need to talk. My inbox is also open._

**12.**

Alex stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around her body. She had actually been surprised when she had heard the door open and close again. She had thought her captor was going to disrupt her, get in the shower with her. It had terrified her so much that she had frozen, her heart a hammer in her throat until she was sure he was gone again.

As she dried off, she examined the clothes he had left her. Those she had stripped out of were gone except her bra. What he had left behind was a dark blue tank top and black pair of shorts. They weren't short shorts, either. Just shorts. She thought it was odd that the sexual sadist that kidnapped her did not have a strange clothing fetish.

"Zach," she said as she opened the door. "I'm, uh, I'm going to need underwear. And pads. I wasn't kidding. I'm bleeding." She felt the tears prick her eyes as she said it. It was so humiliating.

"I'll get you some," the man said, entering the bedroom. He reached over and stroked her cheek. She flinched away, whimpering. He smiled. "You know, you didn't put on much baby weight, did you?"

Alex stepped back, but he grabbed her, pulled her to him. His fingers found the pacifier still at her neck and the wet strip of towel. "Aw," he teased. "That's precious. I guess you can keep it. For now. Piss me off, though, Alex, and I burn it."

The blonde nodded, showing understanding. He let the blue binki go, and her hand curled around it. He touched her hips, his hands only lightly resting on them. "For the power horse you are in court, you sure are easy in the real battlefield, aren't you?" he sneered. He pulled her tight, kissing her, her hands finding purchase between them as she tried to push him from her.

Zach merely walked her back to the bed and pushed her down, climbing on top of her. "No," she mewled, wiggling, trying to get out from under him. "Please, don't."

"It's hotter when you struggle," he growled in her ear, holding her hands up over her head. She went still, biting her lower lip. "It's easier when you don't. You know you can't win in this one. Why bother?"

Alex turned her head, staring at the wall as one hand moved down her body. He grabbed her breast, squeezing. She yelped. His hand went down her sternum, cupping her belly before sliding over her sex, the shorts still between his hand and her flesh. She kicked on instinct, catching him in the hip. Zach stumbled away from her, and she had just enough time to gasp before he was on her again, his hand in her hair, yanking her up off the bed.

As quickly as she could, Alex tried to stand, her feet failing beneath her as she collapsed to her knees, half crawling, half scooting as he dragged her by the hair. "Stop," she mewled. "Please. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."

Zach's hand moved to her neck, clutching the towel and twisting. Alex choked. Gagging, she clawed at his hands, at her own neck. Rage still in his eyes, he punched her in the side of the head, and she went limp, her world absorbed in black.

"Sh, honey, it's okay," Olivia said, bouncing the baby in her arms as he cried. They had been in the bull pen all night, Olivia trying to coax Alex's son into taking a bottle. He wouldn't, and his cries became so much more hunger bound that it was making Olivia's heart break. Everyone had tried to get him into taking formula, but he was very adamant that he would not.

"I know, Jamie. I want her back, too," she whispered, snuggling him against her. He buried his face at her chest, searching for something that was not there, that her body could not provide him. Sighing, Olivia dipped her finger into the formula and pressed it against his lips. He took it, but twisted his head away, spitting up what had been offered.

A knock on the door made Olivia look up. She had moved to one of the witness rooms hoping the privacy would help her to coax him into eating. "Any luck?" Nick asked as he sat down beside her.

Olivia shook her head. "No. You?"

"Her cell phone tracked to the Jersey tunnel. After that, nothing. I suspect that's when he realized she had a cell phone on her." Nick sighed, holding his hands out to the other detective. She passed over the infant. "Hey, little man. We're looking for Mommy, okay? But, until we find her, we've got to keep our strengths up. Eat something, little guy."

He refused the bottle again, crying even harder. As Olivia took him back, he quieted down, turning to her chest. The female detective curled around the baby, rocking him. "So, what's next with locating her? Presumably, he took her into Jersey?"

"At least. We've got FBI agents on it now, too. They're a little ticked we didn't call 'em in when a federal attorney went missing. They're going over CSU's evidence and the apartment again. But, it's been twelve hours. He really could have taken her anywhere. We're monitoring flights across the country, but I doubt he's gonna fly her anywhere. Meeting with FBI is in five minutes."

Nodding, Olivia unfolded herself, placing the baby back in his infant seat and picking it up. "Fine. What's his timeline? How long do we have?"

"Varies," Nick said. "It depends on how interested he is in her."

Alex woke up to the sun on her face. She blinked, her face throbbing. Moaning, she pressed a hand to the side of her head, finding the skin there to be sore. "What?" she started, looking around her. Through a set of black bars, she could see the bedroom. The sun was pouring in through the windows. She had to give him that. He did not make the place more suspicious by darkening it. Not that she thought anyone would look for her there.

Legs cramping, Alex made the attempt to stretch them out, finding more bars with her feet. She looked up. He was not kidding about crate. He had locked her into a dog crate, and her body was too stiff to move to even try to get out. "Good morning, Ali. Or, should I say afternoon? You took quite the nap there," he teased.

Groaning, she looked up at him, her hand still on her head. He had a key in his hand and a metal bowl that she did not understand. Carefully, he bent down to her level. "Since you irked me last night, I've got a new rule for you. The first of many, I'm sure. The nicer you play, the fewer restrictive rules I'll place on you. And, I'll only beat you if you break a rule or if you try to hurt me. In fact, rule number one: don't try to hurt me. Rule number two: no trying to escape. Rule number three: Unless I expressly tell you, you must remain on all fours at all times. You wanna get somewhere, you crawl."

Alex bit her lip, nodding. He unlocked the crate and opened the door. Feeling claustrophobic, Alex spilled out, stretching her legs gratefully before coiling into a ball where she sat. "Can I go to the bathroom?" she asked.

He nodded. She moved to stand up, but he shoved her back down. Groaning, Alex forced her body to move, one hand in front of the other, her knees moving across the floor as she trembled, fighting the tears. In the bathroom, she started to cry. It did not matter to her that he could hear her crying on the other side of the door. She no longer cared. She just wanted to go home, to go back to Jamie, to see her police family again.

As best she could, Alex cleaned herself up. It did not help that she was a mess for other reasons than his hitting her. In fact, that had merely left a nasty bruise on her temple. He had succeeded in utterly humiliating her.

As she was considering how to put her dirty clothes back on, he opened the door. "Here. While you were napping, I got you something."

He threw a back pack at Alex. The blonde pawed through it, grateful to find some of the medical necessities she required in the bag. She pulled on the clothes he provided, situating everything in place so that she did not have to deal with it so much. A pair of jeans and an extra large men's shirt. It hung off her like a dress, but she was just grateful to be covered.

Dressed, she dropped to her hands and knees again, crawling out of the bathroom. As she sat in the bedroom again, Zach pet her head as if she were a dog. It was almost enough to start the tears again. She bit her lower lip, staring at the floor. "You're a good girl, Alex. I'm glad you're a fast learner. Are you hungry?"

She was, but she was not going to let him know, so she shook her head in the negative. "Whenever you are, your bowl is in your crate. Some scrambled eggs and sausage. The protein will help keep your strength up."

"You spiked it," Alex accused. "I'll pass."

Zach pet her head again. "It'll help you forget what happens to you here," he said. "Maybe that'll be a good thing. You already know it's going to be bad for you. You know how I get off. I'm not like your boss, Alex. I won't spike your drink and still be gentle with you. That was how he did it, right? Or did the stranger spike your drink? I heard you tell Olivia, but I can't remember."

Alex shook her head. "I want to remember," she said. "Every moment you have me here so I can testify against you in court."

"Suit yourself, Alexandra. But, I'm telling you now, you may want to take your out. Even vague memories are better. Won't it be better not knowing?"

"No," Alex whispered. "No. I know what it's like to not know, and it's terrifying. If I live, then working through the memories will be better."

Her captor chuckled. "That's fine, then. But, you're going to be awfully hungry until I'm through with you because I'll only fill up that bowl when it gets empty, and I'll spike it every time. I've got drugs a plenty, Alex, and you don't have to willingly consume them. I can force them down your throat."

"Please don't," Alex whispered. "I just want to get home to my son."

"You're such a devoted mother." He back handed her. "It makes me sick."

"Your mother didn't want you, did she?" Alex asked, tilting her head as she looked up at him. He yelled, kicking her in the ribs. The air was forced out of her lungs, and she hit the deck, coughing.

"Did she leave you, or did she just beat you?" Alex continued. "Maybe she raped you. She fucked you over, and I get it, it's not fair to you, but why leave another little boy alone in the world?"

"He's not alone," Zach snapped. "He's got Olivia and the other detectives. They'll take care of him, even when you're gone."

"But, that's not the same as a mother," Alex tried.

His feet were non-stop into her side. She yelped, curling around herself, trying to protect her stomach. "He'll still have a mother if the detectives find you fast enough when I'm done. Now, you shut up, whore, before I don't give them much time at all."

Alex whimpered, but the onslaught stopped. She lay there on the floor of the bedroom, focusing on her breathing, on pushing through the pain. She did not want to pass out again. Opening her eyes, Alex watched his feet. They were right by her head. He picked one foot up, and she cringed, afraid he would kick her again, but he did not. Instead, he turned and left the bedroom.

Trying to sit up proved too painful. Even breathing hurt. She could not help but think that he might have broken a rib. Either way, the next few days, she knew, were bound to be very painful. "Hurry," she mewled. "Liv, please hurry."

Olivia stared at the map of rural New Jersey as she rocked Jamie in her arms. It was hard for her to put the baby down knowing he was her link to Alex. Over the course of the past few hours, she had tried to think back to her own kidnapping four years prior. Peddleton was a sexual sadist. He would want the most privacy to do the most damage with the least likely chance of someone overhearing. Plus, if Alex escaped, he would want a good distance she would have to run. Unless he was drugging her. Alcohol and narcotics made for a very difficult time escaping. Olivia knew that all too well.

Still, it would be out of character for him to drug his victims. She had to think, though, because they still had two missing women out there, two they had tried to hunt down but there had been no witnesses, ne leads on their whereabouts. To Alex's kidnapping, there was a witness. A man in the complex over had seen the two leave in a dark blue pickup truck, though he had thought nothing of it until the police showed up. He had not gotten a plate.

The truck, however, had been a start. Once he had called the tip line that had been set up, the detectives had commissioned TARU to look through city surveillance and traffic cameras hoping to get a glimpse of the pickup and its plate. New Jersey State Police had been called, and a BOLO had been issued for the truck, but with it having been nearly twenty four hours, there was a good chance that they would not hear much back if anything at all.

In the room Olivia had set herself up in, she had brought in a couple of laptop computers. One, she periodically ran a search on for a stolen dark blue pickup as well as plates stolen off any car in the vicinity near Alex's apartment. She was just following a hunch, but if it had been her, she would have gotten a trash set of plates in case any red light cameras did catch them. From the other, she was looking through real estate listings for any houses on large properties that were listed as empty. She knew she could not hit them all. There would be places owned by people out of town or who only used the house for vacation or summer homes. Someone had brought up the idea that a hunting cabin would be perfect to take her to, somewhere to do damage without witnesses.

Olivia hated to think of the idea, but the more she could think like their perp, the better chance she had at finding Alex before too much damage had been done. Biting her lip, she pressed a pin into the map marking the landfill. With a car, he could be any number of miles from there, but it seemed like a reasonable place to start with the cabins either for sale or empty for the season nearest there and work their way out. It was possible that they would find Julianna and Liz wherever they found Alex. He could keep them all together. It was different than his previous crimes, but he had a special thing for those three women. She shuddered, but she thought he might get off knowing he had power over them all at once.

"I'm looking, Alex," she mumbled. "Please, hold on."

The door opened, and Olivia turned. "Anything, yet?" Cragen asked as he stepped in.

"I just sent Jersey some new addresses, but they can't keep checking every house in the state. There's neither the time nor the man power. We must be missing something."

"Why don't you go get some sleep, Liv? Or, at least go lay down for a couple of hours. Amanda will take over in here. Maybe get Jamie to eat something. Nick said he's still not eating."

Olivia shook her head. "But, Cap, I need to-"

"Take care of that kid, Liv. I imagine Alex is going to want to see him again. If he loses too much weight now, he's going to be in ICU when we get her back. Take care of him."

Nodding, Olivia looked down at the baby. "Come on, little man," she murmured. "Let's go lay down. Maybe get a bottle in you." She sighed. "I wish you would eat something."

Using the coffee pot, Olivia made up some hot water, mixing it with cold water to bring the temperature down to less than burning. She tested the formula on her wrist and hauled herself up the stairs to the crib, curling up on one of the beds with Jamie. "You haven't eaten in almost twenty hours, Jame. You've gotta be starving," she whispered as she tried giving him the bottle. He refused. "Want me to sing to you, little man? What did your Momma sing to you?"

Biting her lip, Olivia sighed. She had heard Alex sing to him a hundred times in the past week, but she really had not been paying the attention she should have. She tried humming off of memory, stroking Jamie's cheek as she did. Gradually, the words came back to her. "Hush now, my little lamb, in meadows so sweet; I've been out waiting 'til the day that we meet. Hush now, my little son, your fingers so small; one day you'll grow up, won't need me at all."

As Olivia alternated between humming and singing those lines to the babe in her arms, she tried again with the bottle. He seemed hesitant at first, but after a moment, he latched on, and Olivia breathed a sigh of relief. At least something was finally going right. It did not take but thirty minutes until they were both asleep, Olivia dreaming about Alex in fits and starts.

Huddled as small as she could be, Alex stared at the wall opposite her. She could hear Zach in the living room, but she had not left the bedroom since he had escorted her in. The bathroom was there. She needed little else other than her freedom.

The downside was that she had lost track of time. He found every excuse to hit her, and that meant that she lost consciousness more times than she could count. By her figuration, it could not have been that long. He had yet to sexually penetrate her, and she figured that was what he was gearing up towards.

In that time, she had not eaten or drunk anything he had given her. She had, however, gulped down water in the shower. It had helped keep her feeling less starved. The devil himself walked into the room with a food plate and a cup. He set both down in front of the blond attorney, but she turned her head away. "Suit yourself, Alex," he said.

"How long have I been here?" Alex whispered.

"It's been three days. Why? Bored?"

Knowing better, Alex shook her head. "No, sir," she mumbled, holding her arms tight around her knees.

"That's good," he said, stroking her cheek. She flinched at the touch. There were cuts and bruises on her body where she had no idea she could get bruised or cut before. A nice gash ran the length of that cheek he kept touching where his ring had sliced her open the last time he had beat on her.

Leaning down, Zach pressed his lips against her, his grip on her cheeks forcing her mouth open. She gagged on his tongue, but she did not push him away. He had kicked her repeatedly when she did the last time. So, she had learned to sit on her hands and try everything to not push him from her. Anything to prolong the pain.

"You're not much of a whore, are you?" he snickered. "Can't even take a tongue. Imagine what it'll be like to have my dick in your mouth."

Alex whimpered, scooting herself harder against the wall. "Please, Zach, I don't –"

"I don't care," he murmured, grabbing the pacifier still around her neck and hauling her to her feet by it. She yelped, stumbling as he pushed her onto the bed, her face in the comforter. He climbed on top of her pushing her shirt up over her head, his hands running down her back. As he pushed her pants down, she began to squirm, kicking at him as she tried to crawl across the comforter and get away from him. But, it hurt to move. It hurt to fight, and he bested her with the advantage of already being on top of her, pushing her head into the comforter until she sputtered for air.

He pushed her up to the headboard, pulling her pants off and grinding himself into her. He was still clothed, but that did not make the tears any less warm against Alex's cheeks. "Please, don't," she mewled.

"Oh, you're going to be fun," he murmured, and she heard the zip of his pants as the weight against her lessened.

Alex sobbed, closing her eyes tight. She counted, starting at one, trying to block out the sounds he made as he forced himself inside her. She felt the internal and external stitches tear, and when he pulled away, he used the shirt she was wearing to wipe off the blood. But, she had stopped counting long ago. She had slipped off into her own little world, and even when he was done, she just lay there, limp.

She did not register that he left. Nor did she notice when he returned. "You're still bleeding," he said, a frown as much on his voice as it was his face. "It's not too bad, but it's definitely going to stain."

"I told you I would," Alex whispered, her lips barely moving. "You ripped the stitches, made it worse than it already was." Despite everything, or maybe because of everything, she felt so tired.

Zach pushed her over onto her back, and she went, her limbs flopping. He pulled her shirt back down over her body and sat beside her, his hands working up and down her body. "It would be better for you if you showered, Alex," he said.

"Yea," she mumbled. "I'm just really tired." Her mental state was pretty much gone in combination with the stress and starvation and pain.

She yelped as he picked her up, carrying her to the bathroom. Unceremoniously, he dropped her into the bathtub, and she grunted in pain, her eye lids fluttering. Water pelted her skin making her shirt stick to her. It quickly turned hot, and she cried out. He grabbed the cloth and the body wash he had bought her and washed her with it, yanking her shirt off in the process. He dropped her as he tossed her shirt away, and her head thudded into the tiles.

Though she did not hear it, something in her mind registered that he had left the bathroom. She tried to turn, to get up out of the tub, but she could not. Her whole body felt too heavy. When he returned, he forced her mouth open. She tried to spit out whatever he was giving her, but he held her mouth closed.

"It'll make the pain go away, Alex," he said. "Why do you insist on looking a gift horse in the mouth? I don't care if you hurt. I like it better that way. But, this is for you. You've taken more of a beating than I thought you could. I've gotta admit, you surprised me."

She pretended to swallow, spitting out the drug as soon as he let her go. She did not know what it was, and any more than what had absorbed into her system was not something she was willing to admit to her body. She had to stay conscious, to remember. If she could not get out, at the very least, she could testify against him.

Growling, he pulled her out of the water. Alex managed to stumble to her feet, leaning heavily on the towel rack. She panted as he grabbed her, hauling her by the cord about her neck back to the crate. "Get in, bitch," he snarled, shoving her into the dog crate. She whined, curling up as tightly as she could.

Alex did not know how much longer it was that she heard the front door slam and the truck engine start up, but she was aware of the sounds of it pulling down the drive. Carefully, she sat up, pain ricocheting through her body. He had forgotten to lock the crate, and despite the exhaustion and pain she felt, the blonde captive knew that her opportunity lay in that one, tiny mistake.


	13. Chapter 13

**13.**

She dressed, pulling on the jeans and wet shirt, whimpering, tears clinging to her eyes at the pain of moving. She stumbled out the back door, her eyes searching the unfamiliar territory. There were many options. The first was that she could follow the road but risk that the person she would run into would be him. The second was that she could go away from the drive and hope to find another home, but when he had said a cabin in the woods, he had not been kidding. She might have been able to escape him through the thick branches, but she did not know how long she would survive.

Taking a deep breath, she headed into the woods, ducking just far enough in the trees that she was less likely to be seen but still able to jump out if she saw someone or some place of assistance. For a long time, she wandered, pushing her body even though it ached. By nightfall, she was too exhausted, too cold. Alex stumbled out of the woods and towards the road.

Bright lights blinded her, and when the semi-truck stopped beside her, she stared up, blinking. "Help me," she mewled as the driver hopped out of his cab.

"Holy shit," the driver said, pulling out his cell phone.

"Help," Alex tried again. "He's gonna, he's gonna kill me." Her world felt dizzy, and she thought she was going to throw up. But, since she had nothing to throw up, she did not, merely gagged a couple of times before sinking to the ground, unable to hold her own weight any further.

Vaguely, she was aware the driver was keeping her sitting up, her body weight against his legs. At some point, red and blue lights lit up the area. Then, there were hands on her body, and she cried. The last memory she had was of being lifted, and she did not know by whom.

"Benson," Olivia said into the mouth of her phone.

"Detective, this is Lieutenant Star with Jersey State Police. You asked me to call with updates." Olivia held her breath, her cheek in her teeth. "Cooper University Hospital just reported that a blonde, Caucasian female, late thirties was flown in to them for level one care. She's remained unconscious, and the medics weren't able to get much, but the story goes that a semi-truck driver found her practically crawling along a road near a truck stop. There's a few hunting cabins out that way. I've already got units dispatched out there, and the Rangers are lending a hand on this one. She's pretty badly beaten, Detective, but I think she's your girl."

"Why?" Olivia asked, biting her lip, praying that Alex was alive and that, if it was her, she would be okay.

"Medics took a pacifier from around her neck. It had been turned into a necklace with some cloth, but it looks like it was specially made, not one of the general store ones. Initials JBC are on the back. That her kid?"

"Jameson Benedict Cabot," Olivia murmured. "It's her. Where's Cooper?"

"I'll have a unit meet you on our side of the tunnel and escort you there. Medical staff is requesting any known medical history on her."

"Are you there now?" Olivia asked.

"They just took her brought her back from x-ray. Why?"

"Ask them if she has a bullet scar on her left shoulder."

She heard him cover the phone, his muffled voice asking someone. "Yep. She's your girl, Detective."

Olivia sank into the chair, relief fully setting in. Alex was, at least then, alive. "What's her condition?" she asked, standing rapidly and grabbing her keys, waving her hand to the guys outside, milling over maps and technology.

"She needs some stitches, but, otherwise, they think most of the major damage is fractured bones. Your guy did a real number on her, and I don't like that he's in my state."

"Yea, well, all the more reason to get him. I'm headed your way."

Olivia hung up with the lieutenant and opened the door. "They got her. She's unconscious but mostly stable at Cooper University Medical. I'm going over there."

"Olivia," Cragen warned.

"No, Cap. I'm going. I lost her once, last time she was a target. I'm not – she's gonna want Jamie, anyway." Olivia indicated the baby in the infant car seat she was still borrowing from human services. She had not been home in just over three days which meant neither had Jameson. But, at least, she had the things he needed. It would be nice, though, she had thought, for him to be home again. At the very least, sleeping in a real bed.

Don Cragen looked at Olivia, his face softening. "Alright, Olivia. Go be with her."

"Thank you," the female detective said, picking up the car seat and heading to the police garage.

Olivia kissed Jameson's forehead as she checked to make sure his seat was locked in to the base. "They found your mommy, kid," she murmured. "We're gonna go see her. Sounds like she may not look like the Mommy you remember, but it's her, I promise."

Climbing into the car, Olivia pushed aside tears, her heart hammering as she sent out a quick prayer that Alex would be okay.

At the Jersey side of the tunnel, she rendezvoused with the state patrolman. Following quick introductions, Trooper Robert Childerson advised her that the hospital was close to Philadelphia. "If you want," he said. "I can drive. You've gotta be tense."

Olivia gave him sleepy eyes. She nodded, shaking slightly from stress and exhaustion. "Thank you," she murmured, transferring the baby seat to the back of the marked unit. She crawled into the back with Jamie, his tiny hand wrapped around her finger. "Almost over, baby. Almost back to Momma."

"That's her son?" the trooper asked. Olivia nodded. "He's so young."

"Almost two weeks."

Childerson shook his head. "That's a special kind of sick to abduct a new mom. Let's get you back to her, huh, buddy?" He smiled down at Jamie.

"Thank you," Olivia said as she sighed, laying her head on the car seat.

Fortunately, the trooper did not require conversation on the drive across state, and Olivia was grateful for the silence. She mostly talked to Jamie, kissing his feet and his hands as she told him how happy it would make Alex to see him again and how she knew he would be happy to see her. Olivia had kept him pretty much attached to her the entire time, though once she had gotten him eating from the bottle regularly, the others had been able to feed him, too.

A tired Olivia trailed the trooper to the hospital waiting room where she met with Lieutenant Arnie Star of the New Jersey State Police. "Detective Benson," he said, shaking her hand. "And, this must be Jamie. Hey, bub."

"How is she?" Olivia asked.

"Docs came back out last saying she had two broken ribs, a couple hairline fractures in her wrist, and some skull trauma. Most of the rest of the trauma is bruising and cuts. They stitched up what needed to be, but she shows no signs of internal bleeding."

"What about a rape kit?" Olivia asked, fearing the worst.

The man shook his head. "They tried, but that's where they stitched her up. Blood loss and stitches washed away most of the evidence."

"Has she woken up at all?"

"She called for you a couple of times, but she didn't actually wake up. She's pretty badly mangled. Trace amounts of cocaine in her blood might be the only reason she had the ability to get to where the trucker found her."

Olivia nodded, feeling her shattered heart break even further. "And, the trucker?"

"Steven Lambert. He's completely cooperative. We took a statement but asked him to remain nearby in case you had follow up."

"Thank you," Olivia said. "I want to see her."

The lieutenant led her back through the emergency room to where Alex was lying on a bed in a darkened room, a local uniform standing guard outside her door. "Last I heard, they were waiting on a room in ICU for her. I'll let staff know who you are. If she wakes up, the feds want first crack at a statement."

Olivia nodded. "Yea," she mumbled, setting the baby seat down.

The trooper closed the door behind him as he stepped out.

"Hey, Lexi," Olivia murmured, stroking her finger down Alex's face. Her hair was dried matted as though it had not been brushed after it was washed. There were small scrapes along her face, and Olivia saw the same on her arms that made her think she had run through a wooded area. Then again, that seemed to fit the area she had been found in perfectly, so it really was not much to go on. "I brought someone to see you. I heard you have broken ribs, though, so I'm just going to lay him next to you."

Lifting the baby from the seat, Olivia carefully laid him beside Alex, against her right arm as her left was casted for the wrist fracture. Immediately, he turned to her, his mouth smacking against her arm. "He missed you. I missed you. But, you're safe now."

Olivia looked over Alex's body. She had lost a bit of weight for three days, but she still looked otherwise intact. She had a cut on her cheek, a bruise on her temple, another one on her eye, her lip was split, bruises trailed over her neck as though she had been choked with rope. Olivia remembered the cloth the lieutenant had described had been holding the pacifier at her neck. She wondered if that little showing of love had been used as a weapon.

Jamie mewled, whimpering. Olivia went to pick him up and soothe him, but a hand stopped her. "Help me hold him," Alex rasped. "I don't think I can do it on my own."

The tears Olivia had been fighting spilled over. She nodded, picking Jamie up and moving to sit Alex's bed up so that she did not have to work to sit. Hissing in pain, Alex scooted forward just enough for Olivia to crawl behind her, holding her arms as Alex held the baby. Olivia buried her face into Alex's neck. "I'm so glad you're back, Alex."

"Me, too," the blonde said, groaning as she relaxed into the detective. "I suppose you need to know what happened."

"You don't have to talk to me unless you want to," Olivia murmured. "Feds are taking this one. You are a federal attorney and he crossed state lines."

"Julianna and Liz?"

"Still looking. We've got Jersey police going through the landfill out here."

Alex nodded. "They found the cabin, then?"

"Yes," Olivia said. "I haven't been, though."

"Don't," Alex said, turning her face into Olivia. "Please. I don't –"

Sighing, Olivia stroked Alex's hair. "Okay. I won't go. I promise."

"Thank you," Alex whispered, biting her lip. "I – Can I go home?"

"I'll ask the doctors, sweetie," Olivia murmured. The detective moved the baby to Alex's legs, wrapping the blonde loosely in her arms. On one hand, she did not want to hold onto the attorney too tight. She had been held against her will for three days. There was a good chance that she did not want to be held or that touch would send her into a panicked state. On the other hand, Olivia had long ago learned that Alex liked physical support. She might not have shown it in court or when she was chewing through the detectives, but after a rough case, she had always found that a warm hand on her shoulder did more for her spirits than liquor or a good cry.

For several minutes, Alex cuddled into Olivia in silence, her fingers brushing up and down Olivia's arms. "Thank you," Alex murmured, "for coming to get me."

"I will always come for you," Olivia murmured, pressing her face into Alex's shoulder.

After a few seconds of silence, Alex asked, "Did they arrest him?"

"No," Olivia whispered. "I'm so sorry. But, there's a BOLO on the truck and the plates in Jersey and New York. He kept going into town for supplies, and one of the security cameras at one of the stores caught what he was driving. They'll get him, Lex. Hopefully, he'll lead us all back to the others."

Alex nodded. "Yea," she murmured. "Okay. What now?"

"When you're ready, you let me know, and I'll get one of the federal agents to take your statement. Otherwise, you work on feeling better physically."

Chewing her lip, Alex nodded again. "Okay. I don't want to right now, maybe later. Right now, I'm tired."

"Then sleep, honey," Olivia purred. "I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere, Alex."

Shaking her head, Alex dropped her hands to rest on Jamie's stomach. "It hurts too much."

"We can get pain meds if you want," the detective suggested knowing the pain was and would remain far more than just the physical hurt Alex was feeling at that moment.

"No," Alex whispered, and the tears and the sobbing and the shaking started as she progressed from numb to feeling, though over the course of the next few days to months, she would likely bounce between the two frequently. Hopefully, though, over time, with the right support, the over stimulated response and the numbness would occur less regularly and she could begin to feel more secure. But, as Olivia held her that day, she knew it would be a long road for Alex to walk.

A man younger than both women, though not by much, knocked on the door before walking in. "Miss Cabot, I apologize for taking so long. I'm Doctor Flynn. Glad to see you're awake. How are you feeling?" Olivia gave the man his props. He did not seem to think that the three people cuddled together on the bed was an unusual or concerning sight. Most doctors Olivia knew did not like other people on the beds with the patients.

Pushing the tears from her eyes, Alex bit her lip. "It hurts."

"I bet. You've got a couple of broken ribs which, unfortunately, I cannot cast and a fractured wrist which we already did."

Alex held up her arm with the cast, cringing as she did so. "It's blue," she said. "Why blue?"

The doctor shrugged. "You came in with a binkie around your neck that was blue. I think they wanted to give you a little color for your son. Is this the little guy?"

Alex nodded. "Jamie."

"Hey, Jamie," the doctor said, smiling at the infant. "You take care of your momma now, okay?" The doctor smiled back at Alex. "And, the lovely lady behind you?"

"Olivia," Alex said.

"Olivia. Pleasure to meet you."

"You too, doc," Olivia said. "Under different circumstances even better. We, uh, live in New York. Any chance of me taking her home today?"

"I'll have a nurse check over your vitals here shortly, Miss Cabot-"

"Alex."

"Alex. I need another blood draw as well. I'm guessing you're not a regular cocaine user?" Alex shook her head. "Okay. Some was found in your system. I want to make sure your blood tox comes back clear before I release you home, okay? If everything looks okay, then I don't see why you wouldn't be able to go home. You're awake, and that was our biggest concern."

Licking her lips, the blonde attorney nodded. "Okay," she murmured. "Thank you."

"Can I get you anything?" the doctor asked.

Alex shook her head then stopped, looking hopeful as she sat up. "Ice water?" she asked.

"You got it."

He left, and Alex leaned back into the detective again. She was trembling so finely that Olivia was not, at first, sure if Alex was shaking or she was. "What happens when we get home?" Alex asked, biting her lip.

Closing her eyes, Olivia slowly exhaled before answering. "It's up to you. You can go to your apartment, crash somewhere else, that part, you have to decide. Then, one of us will be over unofficially as often as you want us. Cap would prefer someone with you all of the time because Peddleton is still at large, but that's up to you. The overtime was not approved, but we'd all be more than happy to be there with you, Alex."

"I, um, I need to be at my place. It's mine. I can't let him take my home from me. But, uh, I don't need guards." She paused, chewing her cheek as she fidgeted with Olivia's nails. "Maybe just at night. Give the guys a break?"

"Whatever you want, Alex," Olivia muttered.

"I'm afraid to be alone," Alex whispered, shivering.

"We'll figure something out, sweetheart. Even if you spend a lot of time at the station." Olivia pressed her face into Alex's cheek.

Alex nodded. "Thank you. I'm sorry. I sound like an incompetent moron."

"No," Olivia interjected. "You don't. What you're feeling is normal, Alex. I'm just glad you're articulating your needs. Don't bottle them up inside, okay? No matter how silly or ridiculous you think it is, I want you to tell me what and if I can do to make things a bit better."

Chewing her cheek, Alex nodded. "I'll try," she whispered, a telling sign to the detective who knew her too well that she was already bottling things up, concealing things.

Alex stepped in through the open door of her apartment, her mouth slightly open as she stared at the damage done, not just by her captor, but by crime scene technicians. She could feel her heart racing in her throat, breathing became difficult as she stood there, staring. "I don't remember some of this," she murmured, shaking her head as a warm, comforting arm slid around her waist. "I – I remember Fin getting knocked out and me running to the bedroom, but I didn't think this much got turned over."

"If you need to leave, Alex, let me know."

Alex nodded, swallowing. "I'm okay for now. You really don't think Nick minds watching Jamie while we do this?"

Olivia shook her head. "No. I think he loves that kid. Let's take care of you and this place, okay?" It was Saturday. Alex had been released from the hospital late on Friday evening such that when Olivia drove her back to New York, they did not get in until gone midnight. Not wanting to face her apartment in the dark, Alex had crashed at Olivia's, falling asleep on the detective's bed while Olivia curled on the couch. They had dropped Jamie off at Nick's apartment a few minutes before making the trek to Alex's place to survey the damage.

"I guess, start by picking everything up?" Alex mewled, walking on fawn legs to the nursery. "And, throwing broken things away. I have a steam vacuum in the closet and cleaning supplies under the sink in the kitchen."

"Alright," Olivia said, pushing the couch back in place and unrolling the rug. She looked the rug over for a quick moment before deciding that it did not need to be cleaned. Picking up the table, she placed it on top of the rug.

Alex smiled. "That looks better," she whispered, stepping up to the detective. "It hurts to breathe."

Tucking Alex's hair behind her ear, Olivia offered a reassuring smile. "We can take as much time as you need, Alex. And, if you need to go somewhere else for an hour or whatever, we can."

Eyes closed, Alex nodded. "I'm okay." She pulled away from Olivia, wandering into the nursery again. After a few seconds, Olivia could hear her picking things up and replacing them where they had originated from. The detective continued to focus on the living room until she heard quiet sobs coming from the baby's room.

Alex was curled in the rocking chair, the chair moving back and forth slowly as she rocked it, her feet propped up on the foot rest, body coiled in the manner Olivia knew was least painful to her broken ribs. The attorney had still refused to take pain medications despite the detective filling the prescription on the way back to New York.

Hearing Olivia walk into the room, Alex looked up. "I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"You're recovering from trauma, Alex. This is going to happen. It's okay."

"Just sit with me?"

Olivia nodded, sitting cross-legged by the rocking chair, her hand casually resting on Alex's calf. After a few minutes, Alex dropped her feet to the floor, standing. "I need to finish cleaning up in here," she murmured. "Maybe that'll help."

"Do you want me to help?" Olivia asked.

Alex shook her head. "But, don't leave me."

"I won't," Olivia said, moving to the rocking chair. The reality was, she was getting much too worn to sit on the floor for too long any longer.

"Who's here tonight?" Alex asked, picking up a stuffed animal bear and examining it for blood. Finding none, she placed it in the crib.

"Who do you want to stay with you?" the detective asked.

Alex shrugged, placing a blanket that had blood stains on it in the trash. "That's going to get full fast," she mumbled. "I'll be right back." She disappeared into the kitchen, grabbing a large trash bag from under the sink.

Opening it, Alex walked back to the nursery, tossing the pile of things she had decided were too dirty or broken to save.

"Alex," Olivia said after a few moments of silence.

"What?" the attorney asked, looking up, her eyes wide, tears shining in them again.

Olivia's face softened. She wished she could take away Alex's pain more than anything. "Would you like me to stay with you tonight?" she asked. It had not been her original question. But, seeing the vulnerable look on Alex's face made her change her vernacular, though her meaning was the same. Alex had expressed hesitancy in handing Jamie to Nick. She had done it, but the physical touch of the male detective had shaken her. It was not just Fin and Nick and Cragen. She had flinched when Amanda had touched her. If she did not see Olivia, she flinched when the older female detective touched her.

For a few seconds, Alex still quietly moved through the torrent in the room, throwing away whatever she picked up. Then, she stopped and looked at the detective. "Please?" she asked, chewing at her lip. "I mean, I know it's over, but it just doesn't feel over. I keep thinking when I hear a door open that it's him, that he's coming back." Alex stared at her hands, turning them over and examining them. Her words became whispered. "He'd make me crawl everywhere, told me I was his pet. Every little thing would set him into a rage. I – I can still feel him holding me down while he punched me. I can still feel him. Everywhere he touched me, everything he did."

Alex wrapped her arms around herself, shuddering. Olivia watched as her eyes glazed over, as she slipped away from the present. The detective was familiar with flashbacks, and she was starting to become familiar with Alex's flashbacks. Carefully, the detective got out of the rocking chair and stood before her friend.

Not touching Alex, Olivia very quietly began repeating Alex's name over and over until the blonde's eyes refocused on her. "I used to think I was invincible," Alex murmured, "but, after this year, I can't help but think I'm not much of anything at all."

"You are," Olivia whispered. "That and so much more. I wish I could make everything better, Alex. I wish I could take away the pain of everything that's happened." Olivia pushed the errant tear from Alex's cheek. "I'll stay with you any night you need me to, Alex."


End file.
